I broke up with my gf (general breakup thread)

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by MarkI

Alright SF brethren, come together for me. She called me at work just now, she wants to meet up tonight. When I asked her for any positivy over the phone, she simply replied with I love you...? Didnt give me anything else, even though I kind of pushed for it. What should be my gameplan tonight?
I got nothing, but good luck man. ... Actually, I take that back - the 'nothing' part, that is. If you give her the feeling that you need to hear reassurances from her, you'll probably get them whether she means them or not. Think long and hard about what you want, and then consider where she fits in the picture. And think forward, not in the past. Again, though. Good luck.

 

[Neo_Version 7]

Originally Posted by Thomas

Actually, I take that back - the 'nothing' part, that is. If you give her the feeling that you need to hear reassurances from her, you'll probably get them whether she means them or not.

+1

Girls will say anything if it means you shutting your trap. I wouldn't read too much into the "I love you" SMS. Good luck though.

 

[HgaleK]

Originally Posted by MarkI

So I got hit with the, "I'd like some time apart, I still love you, and i'm not leaving you, but I want some time apart" deal.

Realistically, what does this mean?

She's just easing in to the breakup dude. Solid chance that she's been talking to another guy and doesn't want guilt when she hits that. Time to move on chief...

 

[pstoller]

Originally Posted by MarkI

Alright SF brethren, come together for me.

She called me at work just now, she wants to meet up tonight. When I asked her for any positivity over the phone, she simply replied with I love you...? Didn't give me anything else, even though I kind of pushed for it.

What should be my gameplan tonight?
I suspect she means it when she says she loves you, but I hear an implied, "but..." In the immortal words of Pee-Wee Herman, "Everybody has a big 'but.'" The focus tonight is on hers, but think about what yours might be as well because, if this meeting isn't simply "goodbye," then it's a negotiation, and the one sure non-starter is, "I want things to be exactly as they were." (Better starter: "I don't want you back if you're going to be unhappy, so let's talk about what would make you happy. That said, I don't want you back if I'm going to be unhappy, either.")

Beyond that, I think your game plan should be open, because you don't yet know what she has to say. Whatever you can imagine"”and you'll likely be imagining all day long"”she may still surprise you. So, listen carefully, speak truthfully, and don't kid yourself about whether you or she can really change; it's easy to do different things, but hard to become different people.

I believe your primary goal is to not be left in limbo. Your preferred way to avoid this is to figure out how to make the relationship work so you can be happy together for the long haul. Failing that, "then 'twere well it were done quickly."

I know it ain't much, but it's all I got. Fingers crossed for ya!

 

[Dakota rube]

Originally Posted by pstoller

"I don't want you back if you're going to be unhappy, so let's talk about what would make you happy. That said, I don't want you back if I'm going to be unhappy, either."

Golden.

 

[pstoller]

Originally Posted by kwilkinson

I don't know where the hell you've been the last few years, but you are the man when it comes to woman stuff.

Me? I've just made too many mistakes for too many years to have not learned something. Regarding "woman stuff," if this were a woman with the same concerns about a man, or part of a gay couple, I think all my answers would be the same.

As for the last few years, I stepped back from SF (about which I was a little OCD-ish) largely to give my real life the attention it needed. I was a newlywed then and happily married for going on nine years now, so I think it may have worked!

 

[APK]

I'm not privy to the specific problem(s) that resulted in this time apart. Perhaps you aren't, either. If that is the case, then you absolutely must get those issues out in the open and work to resolve them, if in fact, they can be. It doesn't need to happen tonight, but definitely before there's any discussion about actually getting back together.

Something caused her to initiate the break, whether it's as simple as wanting to see other people or a more complex issue. The biggest mistake you can make at this juncture is getting back together without addressing that problem.

The reason for a break or breakup isn't universal, but there being at least one reason that caused it is a universal thing. If this isn't addressed and worked on (again, if it even can be), then getting back together is only a temporary extension to put off the inevitable repeat of her leaving again.

 

[MarkI]

And thats it boys.

The girl who I thought i'd spent the end of my days with, is up and leaving. Becoming an expatriate.

Bye.

******* heartless

 

[pstoller]

Well, then, this is life's way of telling you that you can do better. It's going to suck for a while, but it won't be forever, even if some days it seems as if it will.

 

[mm84321]

Sorry to hear it, Mark. Take your time with all of this, but try your best to keep the big picture in mind.

 

[APK]

Certainly not the outcome you were hoping for, but this isn't terribly surprising. This is going to feel heavy for a while, but you'll get through it.

There is no magical age when people suddenly become sure-fire bets to be more dependable, but I'm assuming you're both relatively young (>25). Relationships are always a gamble, but more so for this demographic. At that age, people are often still developing and fine-tuning who they are and what they want to get out of life. That doesn't make for a solid foundation to build a romantic relationship on, since what someone at that age wants can change in short order.

For now, I'd advise the following:

- Return all of her possessions and break ties for the foreseeable future. You don't need to never communicate with her again, but even chit chat with her right now is going to make things more difficult than they need to be. Make this clear to her, if necessary, but don't be a dick about it.

- Immerse yourself in a hobby or two, be it new or old. It will give you something productive to do and temporarily take your mind off of this.

- Reconnect with friends and family. Most people inadvertently get shoddy about maintaining their existing relationships with close friends and even family when a romantic interest enters the picture. Use this free time to re-establish those bonds. They'll help take your mind off the girl, but also be there for you when you inevitably need to unload/vent a bit about what's happened.

 

[mellowfellow]

=( sorry man.

 

[Synthese]

Originally Posted by MarkI

And thats it boys.

The girl who I thought i'd spent the end of my days with, is up and leaving. Becoming an expatriate.

Bye.

******* heartless

You're gonna be fine. You're damn well going to make sure that you're gonna be fine. Do you see?

 

[Matt]

sorry I was late to this thread Mark. My advice was going to be the pretty callous 'if you want her back, then dump her and throw some scarcity into the mix', but it's too late for that now.

Sorry to hear about the breakup man.

When you say she is going expat, do you mean literally? Like, she has accepted a job on the other side of the world? Or just expatriating her tampons from your bathroom closet?

 

[Eason]

Sorry to hear about your broken heart, MarkI.