I broke up with my gf (general breakup thread)

[Synthese]

Actually, the above is my usual response to massively world-ending ****. My other responses to low-level (read: constant) stress include: whiskey, rum, cognac, wine, beer, martinis, lemon drops, sazeracs, and various permutations of absinthe, pastis, ouzo and sambuca.

And please, I haven't felt The Pain since I was a pup in high school, convinced that my girlfriend and I were "different" and we were gonna "make it." She left me for a gigantic African god.

 

[MarkI]

All solid advice, to be honest.

Thinking of myself will definetely come first. I havent spent as much time working the whole time we've been in this relationship, i'll focus on that, make more money, plus not spending as much cause i'm single will in turn give me an oppurtunity to spend some money on myself.

Gonna go with Synths advice to work out as well, long term relationship definetely affected my physical appearance.

Also gonna try to spend more time with my family...

All in all, im just going to try and immerse myself in ****, and try to think of her as little as possible. I have no doubts this will be hard, but hey. Life if life.

I'm not one to believe there is one true love out there, so I think i'll be ok. I think this type of thing is absolutely rare for sure, and it might be awhile, but so be it.

And hey...maybe we will get back together, ahaha. no, just kidding.

 

[mm84321]

Originally Posted by Synthese

She left me for a gigantic African god.

Man, that must have been painful.

 

[MarkI]

Also gonna go with the other Synth advice, and booze myself to oblivion once or twice. Itll be cathartic

 

[Synthese]

Originally Posted by mm84321

Man, that must have been painful.
I imagine that this was a large part of the appeal.

 

[kwilkinson]

Be prepared to have days, no matter how busy you are. I work usually 10-12 hours a day, and I have good days and bad days. Some days I don't think about her at all, and can focus on doing everything I need to do for The Kwilk. Other days, I can't seem to focus on anything else no matter how hard I try or how busy I am.

 

[pstoller]

Originally Posted by MarkI

Originally Posted by APK

Being part of a truly committed relationship (i.e. marriage) means having to work through the lows together. I don't know the specifics of this situation or why this girl needs time alone, but that's weak sauce for anyone who wants to be part of a functioning relationship. A lot of people just shouldn't be with the people they're with, but if you're going to make an earnest attempt at a fulfilling and long-lasting relationship, you have to put trust in your partner to be a mode of support in rough times. You can't just push that person away or take your ball and go home.
I agree with everything you're saying.

We've just been through a rough patch. It really sucks, she was always the one who spoke about marrying and spending the rest of our days together.

One of the last texts I have from her is "I wish I could fast forward to a future where we spend every night together"

Frankly i'm still a bit lost. Don't know how this **** works out. So what do I do know? Do I just sit here like a duck waiting for her to call and give me her desicion? Or should I just automatically begin to move on, assume she's gone, which is most likely the wisest thing to do.

It's kind of silly, but the thing keeping me together somewhat, is myself TELLING myself she will have to see me again eventually. For gods sake, I am typing this from her laptop, i've got a **** ton of her clothes and things here.

I keep telling myself, even if she does say it's over for good, then she'll come back to get her things and yeah...

I need to stop being so ******* delusional.

And I dunno about jumping into women emotionally again, Kwilk, but i'm sure as **** going to try and nail everything I can...but I can't even do that now, because technically we're still in a relationship, and I would consider that cheating.

I have no ******* idea what to do with myself.
If you agree with what APK said"”and I do"”then perhaps you should say as much to your SO.

From what you've written here, she appears to be defining all the terms of your split. She's able to do this because you're willing to hold out hope indefinitely that she'll come back once she's resolved her issues on her own. However, the collective experience of the fellows around here, like your own gut, says that this is extremely unlikely to happen.

So, rather than letting her tell you when it's safe for you to move on"”which is almost certainly going to be after she already has"”redefine the terms of the split: she either stays and works through things with you instead of apart from you, or she packs up her clothes, her laptop, and whatever else and takes them with her so that you can start to move on now.

I'm not suggesting this because I think you should be "alpha as phuck" and put the woman in her place. I'm suggesting it because 1) your best chance to get her back is not when she's gotten used to living without you for months, but when she hasn't actually left yet; 2) if she leaves, she's more likely to think in terms of what she's lost"”and miss it"”if she knows she doesn't simply have a free pass to come and go as she pleases; and 3) if you aren't going to stay together, then it's ultimately a greater kindness to both of you to end things quickly than to s-l-o-w-l-y pull off the bandage. Finally, I'm suggesting it because you both need to remember that relationships are what two people make of them. You can't force her to stay, but you still get a say in how things end.

You don't have to be"”and shouldn't be"”mean or confrontational. Don't make it sound like an ultimatum (because that won't work). You can tell her that you'd much rather she stayed and worked through the rough stuff with you, because that's what commitment means to you; what she means to you. But, if she's going to put one foot out the door, she may as well take the other one, because being half in and half out is really being nowhere at all"”and you don't want that for her any more than you want it for yourself.

(Yes, I do know this is much easier said than done. Yes, I have opted for hope and avoidance in a similar situation, and the outcome was not worth the wait.)

Food for thought, at any rate.

 

[MarkI]

That is very, very good food for thought, and I craft a very good speech out of it all...

The problem is, she also refuses to see me in person until she feels like she wants too, and I feel like something like that would have a much more severe impact when its said to someones face, I really dont want to ******* say it over the phone, or shoot her an email.

It ******* sucks that shes like that, but it is what it is. I'm not going to beg to see her, I know this woman, she does things on her own terms...

I am going to consider whether I should do this over the phone, but I think i'll reach a nay conclusion.

Thoughts, folks?

 

[bbhewee]

Drawn from my own personal experience, which is still lingering.

If she's made up her mind, seeing her won't change a thing in the end. Yes, she may still have genuine feelings for you. But that's not enough. Seeing her will only stir up nostalgia, may lead to a contract extension, but at the end of the day, you'll be back to square one.

Move on brother. Look out for yourself.

 

[pstoller]

Originally Posted by MarkI

The problem is, she also refuses to see me in person until she feels like she wants to, and I feel like something like that would have a much more severe impact when it's said to someone's face, I really don't want to ******* say it over the phone, or shoot her an email.

It ******* sucks that she's like that, but it is what it is. I'm not going to beg to see her, I know this woman, she does things on her own terms...

I am going to consider whether I should do this over the phone, but I think i'll reach a nay conclusion.

Thoughts, folks?

My guess (and it's only that): she doesn't want to see you because she doesn't want to be talked out of leaving, and she doesn't want to be talked out of it because she thinks it's what she needs even if not what she wants. Of course, it's also another way of exerting control, but of herself as much as of you.

If you're ready to talk to her, call her and say that what you have to discuss needs to be discussed in person. If she says "no," tell her that, if she can't show you that much respect, then there's really nothing left to say. If she says "yes," keep in mind the preceding paragraph: if she stays and you guys can't genuinely fix whatever's broken between you, then she'll leave soon enough, and the remaining time together won't be much different from time spent apart waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Now, whether you guys can agree about what's broken and how to fix it, that's a whole 'nother challenge. You've framed the problem as being that she's leaving; for her, leaving is the solution to some other problem. I don't know what that problem is, but if you can't solve her problem, you can't solve yours. Best of luck with that.

 

[kwilkinson]

I don't know where the hell you've been the last few years, but you are the man when it comes to woman stuff.

 

[MarkI]

Originally Posted by kwilkinson

I don't know where the hell you've been the last few years, but you are the man when it comes to woman stuff.

+1

Unfortunately I jumped the gun, emailed her. Probably a mistake, but ****, can't turn back on it now.

I really am finding it hard to believe she would really want to leave though. This past weekend she was crying with me on the phone, telling me how much she needs me blah blah blah, and how she was so happy to be with me. A couple of ******* days later she wants to bounce. I really dont understand it.

Maybe i'm being silly, but I really don't feel like she's gonna go. Maybe I just need to wake up, this sucks.

 

[mellowfellow]

Reading this makes me depressed. Gf and I are on a break. We have been together for 6 years.

 

[Abraxis]

Good luck mellowfellow. Not to be too creepy or to purposefully pour salt on the wounds, but you guys looked great together in fit pics. Hopefully the break adds a positive clarity to your relationship.

 

[MarkI]

Alright SF brethren, come together for me.

She called me at work just now, she wants to meet up tonight. When I asked her for any positivy over the phone, she simply replied with I love you...? Didnt give me anything else, even though I kind of pushed for it.

What should be my gameplan tonight?