I broke up with my gf (general breakup thread)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Matt, Dec 21, 2008.

  1. pstoller

    pstoller Senior member

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    All this advice, break off contact, ignore her, etc, is not only rude, but just tries to cure the symptoms, as opposed to the disease.
    He is still very much emotionally attached to his soon-maybe-not-any-more-not-ex.
    You cannot teach emotional development, it's a slow and painful process that requires making your own experiences. If he follows somebody else's advice/experience, he may go through the motions, and he may even end up at a better place physically, but he will not understand why, and there will still be the lingering 'what if'. He needs to do what he needs to do to figure this out for himself. If it means getting back together just for her to inevitably cheat on him and this then finally giving him the impetus to end it... oh well, so be it. Everybody has to go through these things on their own.


    He'll ultimately be "making his own experiences" and going through it on his own no matter what. Also, no matter what he chooses, they'll be a lingering "what if" about one or more other paths he could have taken. For example, "What if I'd never posted about my relationship problems on SF?"

    The advice he's getting is primarily from guys who've been in a similar spot. Following that advice won't stunt his emotional development; it will still be plenty slow and painful. It just won't be as slow or as painful as not following it.
     
  2. Neo_Version 7

    Neo_Version 7 Senior member

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    Mark, you don't want to spend the rest of your life asking yourself, "What if..?" Btw, have you called her back to set up your next meeting?
     
  3. MarkI

    MarkI Senior member

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    Mark, you don't want to spend the rest of your life asking yourself, "What if..?" Btw, have you called her back to set up your next meeting?

    Exactly, I don't.

    And what do you mean next meeting...?

    I told her we weren't doing dinner, i'll come by her place and we'll talk, cause I think we need a more private venue. That's that.
     
  4. Redwoood

    Redwoood Senior member

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    [...] The advice he's getting is primarily from guys who've been in a similar spot. Following that advice won't stunt his emotional development; it will still be plenty slow and painful. It just won't be as slow or as painful as not following it.
    You misunderstood what I tried to say. It's not that following the advice will stunt his emotional development, it's that his emotional development will not let him follow the advice. You cannot play being over someone. MarkI is not an 'idiot', he's just 19. Now, these two facts often coincide, but that's the way life works.
     
  5. HgaleK

    HgaleK Senior member

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    Mark, you don't want to spend the rest of your life asking yourself, "What if..?" Btw, have you called her back to set up your next meeting?

    There are always "what ifs."

    -What if I hadn't been so distant before this all happened
    -What if I had listened to Matt play by play when it happened
    -What if I hadn't been so clingy
    -What if I had slowed the fuck down in the relationship
    -What if she wasn't a flaming bitch
    -What if we shouldn't have gotten together in the first place
    -etc.

    Then you either learn from them or quit caring. What's left is happy memories from the moments she made incredible, bitterness from the ones that she made suck, and experience that hopefully prevents the situation from happening again. I'd assume that the rest of that gets muted with time too.
     
  6. fuji

    fuji Senior member

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    Exactly, I don't.

    And what do you mean next meeting...?

    I told her we weren't doing dinner, i'll come by her place and we'll talk, cause I think we need a more private venue. That's that.


    This will probably result in sex and then you'll be together for a few more weeks and go through this again.
     
  7. Neo_Version 7

    Neo_Version 7 Senior member

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    Exactly, I don't. And what do you mean next meeting...? I told her we weren't doing dinner, i'll come by her place and we'll talk, cause I think we need a more private venue. That's that.
    Smart move. Having a more intimate setting will make the things you have to say much easier for her to understand. But like I said, don't come off too cold-hearted and distant. If she pleads and you sense the waterworks a-comin', don't be afraid to hold her hand. Let go of any pent-up emotions. Be the guy she fell in love with in the first place.
    There are always "what ifs." -What if I hadn't been so distant before this all happened -What if I had listened to Matt play by play when it happened -What if I hadn't been so clingy -What if I had slowed the fuck down in the relationship -What if she wasn't a flaming bitch -What if we shouldn't have gotten together in the first place -etc. Then you either learn from them or quit caring. What's left is happy memories from the moments she made incredible, bitterness from the ones that she made suck, and experience that hopefully prevents the situation from happening again. I'd assume that the rest of that gets muted with time too.
    Gale, I appreciate your approach but I sense something unique about Mark's situation. This girl is obviously super-special to him. Picturing a possible future with her seems the least Mark could do.
     
  8. BubblyMasquerade

    BubblyMasquerade Senior member

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  9. NorCal

    NorCal Senior member

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    A lot of guys are way too invested in this whole MarkI soap opera. They mean well, but it's obviously pointless. All this advice, break off contact, ignore her, etc, is not only rude, but just tries to cure the symptoms, as opposed to the disease.
    He is still very much emotionally attached to his soon-maybe-not-any-more-not-ex.
    You cannot teach emotional development, it's a slow and painful process that requires making your own experiences. If he follows somebody else's advice/experience, he may go through the motions, and he may even end up at a better place physically, but he will not understand why, and there will still be the lingering 'what if'. He needs to do what he needs to do to figure this out for himself. If it means getting back together just for her to inevitably cheat on him and this then finally giving him the impetus to end it... oh well, so be it. Everybody has to go through these things on their own.


    Yeup.

    I suggest you fuck her, fuck the shit out of her. That'll speed the emotional distance you need to move on. No wait it won't, but at least you'll get laid.
     
  10. Dakota rube

    Dakota rube Senior member

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    There are always "what ifs."

    -What if I hadn't been so distant before this all happened
    -What if I had listened to Matt play by play when it happened
    -What if I hadn't been so clingy
    -What if I had slowed the fuck down in the relationship
    -What if she wasn't a flaming bitch
    -What if we shouldn't have gotten together in the first place
    -etc.

    Then you either learn from them or quit caring. What's left is happy memories from the moments she made incredible, bitterness from the ones that she made suck, and experience that hopefully prevents the situation from happening again. I'd assume that the rest of that gets muted with time too.


    What if MarkI had a 10-inch schlong?
     
  11. HgaleK

    HgaleK Senior member

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    Gale, I appreciate your approach but I sense something unique about Mark's situation. This girl is obviously super-special to him. Picturing a possible future with her seems the least Mark could do


    I'm not quite the emotional badass that Nil and Matt are. I get thinking that a chick is the one, etc. This is all on him, but it seems detrimental to encourage him to himself more vulnerable by being there for her emotionally. It would be trolling out of anyone but you.
     
  12. MarkI

    MarkI Senior member

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    Smart move. Having a more intimate setting will make the things you have to say much easier for her to understand. But like I said, don't come off too cold-hearted and distant. If she pleads and you sense the waterworks a-comin', don't be afraid to hold her hand. Let go of any pent-up emotions. Be the guy she fell in love with in the first place.



    Gale, I appreciate your approach but I sense something unique about Mark's situation. This girl is obviously super-special to him. Picturing a possible future with her seems the least Mark could do.


    Ok, what if she pleads, and comes out with some torrent of a speech, she's sorry, she regrets all this, she made a mistake, she wants things to be how they were.

    Do I take her back?

    General opinions.
     
  13. APK

    APK Senior member

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    If things were how they were, then that's a problem. Having things "the way they were" is what led to her trying to dump you, remember?

    Here's the thing and it doesn't matter who we're talking about, it's pretty much a universal truth: a rekindled relationship is going to fail if the issues that caused its original disintegration haven't been addressed and corrected.

    Perhaps my brain is just fried from the last 30 pages, but I can't recall this happening. In that case, going back will be like applying a band aid to a gunshot wound.
     
  14. Redwoood

    Redwoood Senior member

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    Ok, what if she pleads, and comes out with some torrent of a speech, she's sorry, she regrets all this, she made a mistake, she wants things to be how they were.

    Do I take her back?

    General opinions.


    [​IMG]

    Are you asking for a prediction or advice?
    I predict that yes, you will take her back.
     
  15. HgaleK

    HgaleK Senior member

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    Ok, what if she pleads, and comes out with some torrent of a speech, she's sorry, she regrets all this, she made a mistake, she wants things to be how they were.

    Do I take her back?

    General opinions.


    Dude... [​IMG]
     

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