How would you deal with the "wannabee baller" friend?

[dune]

Originally Posted by scientific

I find it encouraging that ppl this dumb dislike Obama. there is hope after all...

I look at it more like "These are the kind of people who hate Obama".

 

[Runningman411]

While the stories have been amusing, count me in the group that wonders why the OP still hangs out with the guy. I guess it's like good looking girls that keep ugly fat girls around.

 

[Butter]

OP, you NEED to write this **** up to MTV and have them start a show for this d-bag.

Jersey Shore ain't got nothing on this guy.

 

[Saltricks]

The Origins of Douchefriend: The Curious Case of Mr. M'bubee

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice.

Douchefriend didn't just wake up one morning and say "Today, I will be the biggest douche in the universe." Well, maybe he did, but the point is that he had lots of practice along the way.

Whether it was the massive egos, the so-tense-you-can-cut-it peer pressure, or the raging hormones, middle school was the perfect breeding ground for douchefriend's rage at the world attitude. Already a weird kid, douchefriend was picked on constantly. His laugh, his shoes, his clothes, how he played basketball...the cool kids left no stone uncovered when it came to finding flaws with douchefriend. He fought back the only way he knew how: by being a douche.

It started innocently enough: name calling.

There was an unfortunately named Zimbabwean in our class: Nigar M'bubee. Our Christian school had a small class of 60, mostly Asians and whites...so Mr. M'Bubee had it rough even before people realized the comic goldmine that was his name. Douchefriend, not the most creative kid, began calling Nigar a "titty monkey". The fact that Nigar had ample bosoms did not help him in this comparison.

Gym class was worse. Nigar really didn't understand the concept of "helping himself out" so he chose to wore colorful briefs on gym days. Douchefriend would usually take the color of Nigar's underwear and place "monkey" after it in order to form a customized insult for that day (e.g. Rainbow Monkey, Neon Purple Monkey). Douchefriend got a kick out of this because sometimes people would laugh, and he finally felt like he "fit in". Douchefriend also liked to throw bananas at Nigar at lunchtime, usually ending with Nigar running out to cry.

Sometimes on particularly unlucky (for Nigar) days, he would do both. The customary rotten banana was thrown at Nigar at lunch, and, much to douchefriend's surprise, the cool kids approved and began chanting his name. "DOUCHEFRIEND! DOUCHEFRIEND! DOUCHEFRIEND!" Nigar looked around, then screamed out in rage AHHGGHHHHHHHH and threw a milk at douchefriend, narrowly missing him. "Don't throw your breast milk at me, titty monkey!" Tears flowed as Nigar kicked the bench over and ran out to hide in the bushes by the soccer field. Later that day, at gym, a riled up douchefriend yelled "What color today M'Bubee? Banana Yellow?" right when Nigar was changing. This was understandably upsetting to Nigar, who began picking up fold-up chairs and throwing them around the room, screaming wildly. Douchefriend took one right to the back and keeled over before he started crying (this was in 8th grade) and mumbling "Banana Monkey" under his breath. Nigar ran and told the principal what was going on.

We were in the middle of a basketball game (douchefriend recovered surprisingly quickly) when the principal came out to collect douchefriend for questioning. Putting two and two together, douchefriend tried to run away, but the unnaturally agile principal (his name was Mr. Payne if you can believe that) caught up with douchefriend and grabbed him by the collar. Douchefriend instantly dead-weighted and let his body collapse to the ground. He tried to fight off tears as he fake-seizured and started screaming "AHHHHH-I...I CANT FEEL MY LEGS! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS...NOOoooo" His voice trailed off as he was dragged to the principal's office.

We were in the middle of learning about monocots and dicots when a puffy eyed, sobbing, douchefriend came in to the room, followed by Mr. Payne. "Go on, tell him." He motioned to the teacher. "Mr. Douchefriend here has something he would like to say to Mr. M'Bubee. He pointed at douchefriend to begin. "I'm sorry...I called you names..." douchefriend sobbed. Mr. Payne cleared his throat loudly. Douchefriend visibly gulped. "I'm sorry I called you...titt(cough)ty monkey...we are all God's children and are loved equally by our Creator. I humbly ask you to forgive me." Douchefriend began to sit down, but Mr. Payne grabbed his shoulder. "I think you two should shake hands and hug to make up for these... unpleasantries." Nigar stood up, arms outstretched. To the entertainment and delight of 28 other children, they embraced tightly. Giggles spread across the room, and a terrified douchefriend took his seat silently, awaiting the nightmare of humiliation that would follow soon after. Mindy, the hottest girl in class, the girl that douchefriend had been obsessed over and whose skirt he would try to look under in class, leaned over by his ear and whispered "you should ask him out!" Tears streamed down his face and he put his head into his desk (ostrich style).

He put his head into this.

Rumors began to spread and stories involving douchefriend, colored underwear, making out, and gay sex were on everybody's lips. I think it was just last month that an old friend we hadn't seen in awhile asked why douchefriend had broken up with "that M'Bubee kid". Douchefriend didn't take the question very well.

 

[SkinnyGoomba]

Karma.

 

[darkbat]

Haha I've been a lurker but this thread got me registering. Subbed!

 

[MikkoN]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/0..._n_685435.html

Him by any chance?

 

[MrMonkey]

I loved this post, and whilst not all of it rings true of the individual I am thinking of, parts of the character seem to be very similar.

I will obviously not name, but I know a guy who shares some of these traits. At first, one forms the impression that this is simply a young guy who likes designer labels. When you say a 'wannabe baller', I liken that to people in the UK who would like to emulate the professional football (re soccer) players (some of whom you may recall from our recent games in the world cup). Side note - Personally, I see this association as a little demeaning to a brand (take for example Bentley cars... Very good, high quality but the real money now tends to steer clear). However, when you say he has taken the tips etc and has this attitude, I really start to think this is when things get a little off. Low self esteem or otherwise, I think it basically comes down to a belief that the world owes them something. In this case, they should have been a professional sportsman (or woman, not to be sexist). When they don't make it, they feel a little bitter but still need to put the pretence up. As (generally) thier means do not extend to the brands they wish to buy (or only at the expense of living, paying for drinks etc) they are forced to a point of '[a kind of]style without substance' position. There are also anger traits there too. Whilst I think some of this may be other things in the past which cause a bitterness, the fact they did not make it and in themselves realise that they are in the place of not being able to back up the pretence they present (the imitation of wealth etc), they start to feel very bitter. The rules do not apply to them, as people such as your good self (and I see this because I have been there) are not helping by reinforcing them by paying for drinks and meals etc. Best advice, let them sort out thier mess. When you stop paying for drinks and meals, he will either 1) stay in, or 2) more likely, miss payments on his leased 350 coupe (personally, the convertible would have be a better option) to afford the meals etc. Suddenly, he will realise the true value of money. Then, either settle, work harder to get the things he wants, or get over the childish fad (much to the regret of the designer outlets!).

We all like nice things, personally, I have moderate to expensive tastes, but I try to work for what I want. But then I guess my style is a little more discrete, subtle and I tend to not like to be an 'exhibitionist' with it...

Oh and another thing, nothing wrong with Martini's... A vodka martini (as long as it is made with a decent vodka, such as Stollichnaya or the like) can be a refreshing drink.

 

[Saltricks]

Originally Posted by MrMonkey

Oh and another thing, nothing wrong with Martini's... A vodka martini (as long as it is made with a decent vodka, such as Stollichnaya or the like) can be a refreshing drink.

There is nothing wrong with martinis...but when you say "shaken not stirred" when you order it, you look like a colossal tool of the highest magnitude.

 

[MrMonkey]

I take that angle... Perhaps ask him why he likes it like that, perhaps it is the added textute of the air bubbles in the vodka...

Loved some of the stories though, read a few comments about them being fake but really you couldn't make this up. I'd love to post some of my own stories about the guy I know, but I think that would be a little bit below the belt!

 

[Saltricks]

Originally Posted by MrMonkey

I take that angle... Perhaps ask him why he likes it like that, perhaps it is the added textute of the air bubbles in the vodka...

The only reason he likes it is because of this:

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[Saltricks]

Sorry guys for lack of posting, I had a big orgy at a swingers party this weekend and I've been puking for the last few days. Anyway...

BIG BIG story coming.

Big.

Huge.

You won't want to miss this one.

 

[Brosef]

I stopped reading at page 7 when OP confirmed that he added up quite a few things to his obviously exaggerated stories. Either your friend is a clinical case or OP has some very severe mythomania.
Highlight of the thread = the ostrich penis. I nearly cried from laughter at work lulz.

 

[darnelled]

Wow. I just spent my lunchtime reading all of the OP's stories- entertaining to say the least.
They are almost as good as the "I work for a female Michael Scott" thread.

I'm like most here as I can't understand why you're still hanging out with this guy and what you are getting out of this relationship.

 

[Saltricks]

Originally Posted by Brosef

I stopped reading at page 7 when OP confirmed that he added up quite a few things to his obviously exaggerated stories. Either your friend is a clinical case or OP has some very severe mythomania.
Highlight of the thread = the ostrich penis. I nearly cried from laughter at work lulz.

These stories are true. When I say things like his shoes look like they were made by a deranged clown who just ate a bunch of acid, I don't mean that literally, obviously. It's just a little embellishment, not lies.

Though I will admit that sometimes his craziness is sometimes too much to believe. But, well, he is douchefriend.

Try to find the dulcis in fundo rather than trying to pick nits. I'm typing up the next story.