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How to get over a break-up?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by VMan, Apr 29, 2004.

  1. gregory

    gregory Senior member

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    I am truly moved by the level of maturity shown by individuals in this forum.

    VersaceMan, I am very sorry that that happened. I cannot give you any advice, because I have not gone through it myself. Like you, I feel that I do have a tendency to care more for others (I'm talking about friends) than, I suspect, I am cared for in return. This has hurt me sometimes; and as a result, I've seen myself becoming colder. I'm taking friendship more lightly. I have to.

    Soon, I'll be graduating from college, and I've not had any relationships in my life (I'm serious). It's surprising how some of you remarked that you felt that your college lives were limited because you were committed to someone. For me, I have often felt that my college life has been quite empty because I have not been in a relationship. It does get awfully lonely at times.

    I guess the grass is always greener next door.

    I must say that I am also so surprised to hear that it takes such a long time to get over a relationship.

    VersaceMan, be strong.
     
  2. Valmont

    Valmont Senior member

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    There is no real way to get over something like this, people are all different in the way they deal with matters of the heart. I have, however, a safe way for you to save yourself the pain involved with break-ups in the future and that is to just not fall in love.

    I know it sounds stupid and many people would disagree but you are a young guy, love is a serious thing and I personally think that being in college is the time for you to explore and have fun and not the time to find your future wife. Play around with the girls around you, if you want something more conventional sure find a gf but don't get involved emotionally and then play around on the side =) Anyway you get the point just have fun while you're still young, then when you graduate you will have all the time in the world to indulge in matters of the heart....
     
  3. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    Wow, those last three posts were powerful.

    Gregory,

    When I said that I felt 'limited' by being in a relationship, I'll rephrase that. I don't feel limited in the sense that I missed all the oportunities to hook up with random girls. As strange as it sounds, I would rather be comitted to one single person, and love her like mad than have meaningless hook-ups. When I said I missed out, it was because she was controlling. I came home every weekend, didn't attend too many parties because of the guilt she made me feel, didn't hang around with a whole lot of girls (it made her jealous), and wasn't able to make as many friends as I would have been able to if I stayed at the dorms on the weekends. Also, my tastes have changed. I started going out with her way back in high school. I didn't really date anyone much, and I only had one girlfriend (for a few months) before her. I think I was so eager to start a relationship because I really liked her, she liked me, and that was that. She is terribly closed minded and doesn't appreciate much; either the finer things in life, or the simple things that I love. She complains a lot and is hyper-critical of me. She's the type of person that complains that it's too cold on the first 60 degree day of spring. I didn't consider her personality. I have a few friends that are 20-21 and have never had a relationship/date. It's hard for them to grasp what I'm going through, because you really have to be in the relationship to feel the sense of loss and regret. I think relationships are easier to get over if you move on after a few weeks (start dating again), rather than lamenting in sorrow. Gregory, I want you to go out this weekend and try to get a date. I'll try to do the same thing in a few weeks when the time is right.

    Duveen,

    Great point about insisting on separation. We had broken up in the past (for periods of one day to one month), and I was always the one that broke down and decided I would rather be with her. It's a lot easier just to take the person back than it is to move on. Several problems: we live 3 minutes apart (when I am home on the weekends), we talked on Instant Messenger, we emailed, and she called me. All those things made me miss her. Lack of contact is best. Maybe in a few weeks I'll send her a letter by mail. It would be a shame to throw away a friendship. She was truly my best friend, and although we had a crush on eachother from the start, our relationship started out as a friendship. Of course, this friendship might only be a good thing in my mind. The whole thing might have been a sham that I was trying to glorify.

    ajpthng03,

    It sounds like we are in the EXACT same boat. I am a soph in college now, and she is a freshman, but last year when I was in your position we had a lot of arguments. We are similar in so many aspects of the relationship. We were eachother's first real boyfriends/girlfriends and so much more. The thing that bothers me most is she is so cold-hearted. I don't know if she's just acting or truly feels this way deep-down, but she only thinks of the bad things that happened, never the good things that happened or the caring things I did. I still deeply love her, and I know she feels the same way about me. It's hard to break it off when there's still love. I'm a fool for saying this, but I really didn't care about the bad things she said or that happened. She has changed, and I have I. Maybe she put on a front at first, or maybe she really did change. I need to find someone more compatable.
     
  4. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    ajpthng03, I go to school in Wisconsin. Valmont, That's one of the things I was thinking about - do I really want to jump into another serious relationship at this age? I love all the rewards that a relationship offers, but I am hesitant to do so after this one. At first, I thought it was the best thing ever, then it began to turn sour. I stayed in it too long. Now, I am apprehensive of girls. I meet a girl, and I pick up similarities to my Ex. Makes me think that a relationship with her would turn out like this. I need to get out of that mindset. Now, what would I really like my 'relationship-future' to be? I would be happy as Don Juan - greatest lover in the world. [​IMG]
     
  5. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    Oh, and song lyrics are perfect for feeling better. For instance, this has been on my Winamp playlist all day:

    (GreenDay - F.O.D.)

    Something's on my mind,
    It's been for quite some time,
    This time I'm on to you
    So where's the other face?
    The face I heard before
    Your head-trips boring me

    Let's nuke the bridge we torched 2,000 times before,
    This time we'll blast it all to hell,
    I've had this burning in my guts now for so long,
    My belly's aching now to say

    Stuck down in a rut
    of dislogic and smut
    A side of you well hid
    When it's all said and done
    it's real and it's been fun
    But was it all real fun?

    You're just - a freak - I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck,
    I'm take - ing pride
    in telling you to f*ck off and die,
    Goodbye
     
  6. ajpthng03

    ajpthng03 Member

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    Feb 23, 2003
    Damn Versace... its funny how girls act so universally, yet none of them make any sense. I mean it was only a week before she broke up with me that i was the best thing that ever happened to her. And i wasn't a dead beat boyfriend, i went so far out of my way to keep her happy and stay true to her, as you can imagine being in college there are plenty of opportunities to get around some, but i never did. Like i said before, she broke up with me before spring break, so we had a week straight of no contact whatsoever, and then we talked in person when we both got back. Apparently she used spring break as sort of a meter for how much she liked me, and when she told me she didn't miss me like she thought she would that killed me, cuz God knows i missed her. But it has to be a front, especially if she broke up with you. And she doesn't want to acknowledge all those good times because she knows if she does, she'll fall back in love with you. I mean... my ex told me that she regretted spending so much time with me, and i dont believe it at all. I was there when she was with me, and i know that she knows that without some of the memories we had, she wouldn't be half the person she is today, but still the fact that she won't show any sort of shame is just a lack of maturity on her part i think. And as much as i may still like her, if she came back today and told me she made a mistake i dont think i could get back together with her knowing all the pain she has caused me. It just goes to show that the first cut really is the deepest (thanks cat stevens), and very rarely do people end up with their first, and better it happen now than later on down the road. While i know this may not be helping you with the fact that you still miss her, it is a silver lining knowing that no matter how bad it hurts, you'll be stronger and more experienced because of it. Even if you do really want to be her friend, i have found it best to not initiate any sort of contact with her. For one, girls are not attracted to neediness, the more she feels you are over her and have moved on, as weird as it seems, the more eager she will be to be friends. Also, its just murder on yourself to talk to her after this short of time (when you still care for her so) give it a month or so at least before you start initiating contact again. If she speaks to you, just politely respond, but dont make any convo. People change... and it sucks. I know she has changed yet it's still hard to accept, and thats partly due to the fact that thats not how you knew her when you fell in love with her. The other day i made a mistake of going to one of her tennis matches with a friend of mine. Even though i handled everything well at the time, later i missed her more than ever again, so speaking from experience just let things be for a while. Life has a weird way of coming together, you just have to trust it. Hang in their buddy, i know it sucks.
    - A D
     
  7. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    Yes, girls are the epitome of confusion and the definition of indecision.  She has terrible mood swings - one minute she doesn't know what she would do without me, the next minute I'm the worst thing in the world.  She gives me no credit for anything.  She says I never take her out or pay for her (both lies, she doesn't like to do much so it was hard to plan dates constantly, plus I paid fairly often and we went dutch the rest of the time - how come girls want equality, yet they still think guys with not much money should pay for them all the time), and that she sacrifices everything for me.  She goes to a tech school and lives at home, and works a lot.  All her friends moved away to school, leaving her stuck at home.  She doesn't sacrifice time with her friends for me.  I did.  

    I never once cheated on her, despite the numerous opportunities I could have.  She constantly accuses me of cheating, and doesn't believe me when I tell her that I didn't.  I told her that her thinking was crazy, and she said something to the extent of "since you called me crazy, I'm going to cheat on you now".

    She can act like a hard-ass all she wants, that's fine by me.  I'm always the one that comes back to her, or has to make up and appologize to her, or that has to solve the problems - not anymore.  Girls put on a front to try and act like we're dirt to them, but it's all a front.  When she said that she didn't miss you as much as she thought over spring break, she just wanted to hurt you.  I've been in the same boat as you, except it was worse for me.  She didn't mean it, but for some reason (some) girls get a big boost in ego when they can make men feel like shit.

    "I hate how you dress, you're a pretty boy, everything you wear looks the same, you're a snob, you're shallow"

    Almost an exact quote of what she said.  She hates how I dress (most of the time it's an untucked striped or solid dress shirt with jeans, or a vintage T or longsleeve crew neck with jeans) and she thinks I dress the way I do to be arrogant.  I don't look down at others who wear baggy jeans and a loose t-shirt.  That's fine.  I like to dress the way I do because it's something that I do well, it's something I'm confident about and I feel more confident and positive when I look nicer.  She thinks it's dressed up.  Personally, I think the way I dress is status quo.  Just becasue a lot of people here wear baggy jeans and a t-shirt doesn't mean I have to follow.  I don't care for that look and it doesn't express my personality or interests.  I'd be over-dressed if I wore a suit to class for no reason.

    I'm not a pretty boy.  I'm somewhat concerned with appearance, but that's a good thing.  Just because our society is starting to accept slobish-ness doesn't make it right.  I take only 25 minutes in the morning to shower, shave, and get dressed.  I don't try to dress effemininately.  She got on my case hard-core and called me a fag (knows that word is the one thing I hate being called because it shows total disrespect for gay people and for me) during a fight because I was wearing a grayish-lavander dress shirt.

    I'm not a snob, I don't look down on other people's clothes.  When she is shopping at Kohl's Dept store for herself and tries to look at things for me, I turn them down.  It's not to be snobby, I just don't care for their clothes.  It's not my style.  I can be picky about that if I want to, it's all personal taste.  Just like the fact that when we stopped by Neiman Marcus in Chicago, she hated all the stuff and said it looked too old-womanish and junky.  We just have different tastes.
     
  8. gregory

    gregory Senior member

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    Pretty boy?
    Snobbish?
    Well-dressed?

    Remember that little Ryan Phillipe thread we had some time ago? Lots of girls will fall for that.*

    VersaceMan, you will go far.


    (just kidding to cheer things up; I know you're not snobbish)

    *A female would generally treat a good-looking male who cares less about her better than plain-looking male who cares more about her.
     
  9. LA Guy

    LA Guy Opposite Santa Staff Member Admin Moderator

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    Word. Still, indulging in self pity is not such a bad thing. For that, you need some good songs. Here are a few of my favorite

    1. Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band - Famous Final Scene
    2. R.E.M. (on Monster) - Let Me In
    3. U2 (Joshua Tree) - Running to Stand Still
    4. Sheila Nicholls - (from the High Fidelity Soundtrack) Fallen for You
    5. Neko Case - I Wish I Were the Moon

    There was a time I would've completely disagreed with this (when I was about your age, probably), but Mike C. is right. If you don't find someone suitable right away, there is nonetheless nothing better for the ego than having a girl feel you. And there is nothing that can make you forget the last girl more than can the next girl.

    Good luck, and cheers.
     
  10. vero_group

    vero_group Senior member

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    Vman, Any relationship is supposed to be a positive, supportive and loving endeavor, to the betterment of both the man and woman. By this quote, she is not being supportive at all. That was your cue to slowly..back...away....from.....the.....girl.... and then run as fast as you can in the other direction. My thinking is that as soon as the relationship takes a turn toward this kind of cruel negativity that is not emotionally supportive in any rational way, just bail. There are literally BILLIONS of other women out there and you haven't even begun to meet them all because you are very young. You likely don't know who you really are yet yourself, so why would you expect a college-age girl to do so? HAVE FUN NOW. Don't listen to your heart; listen to your raging hormones instead (but always, always use a condom). Only get serious with women as you approach 30 or something and you really need the marriage tax break. [​IMG]
     
  11. gregory

    gregory Senior member

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    Oh God. You ... all of you ... have pretty unromantic attitudes toward women. [​IMG]
     
  12. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    Logan, I guess I have just put up with waaaaaaay too much in the past. Those things I mentioned are far from the worst that she has said. I'm going to hit a few parties tonight (Thursday is the huge going-out night on campus) and just be social. I'm not on the hunt for a new woman, just looking to get out and have some fun. I like the point about the tax break [​IMG]
     
  13. Mike C.

    Mike C. Senior member

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    Quote I need some sort of closure - I would feel weird calling her or asking for my things back. Â Anyone have any suggestions to ease the pain (besides drinking my troubles away)? Â Thanks, I appreciate the responses - I need them.
    Anytime that I've looked for closure at the end of a relationship, I've been dissapointed, so i don't even bother with that anymore, it just leads to more agony and headaches. Lay off the booze, it just makes you feel worse. To ease the pain, go find some other women and hit it up.
    Good advice. About the closure...I just feel bad about ending such a long relationship on a sour note, and not knowing if I'll talk to her again. Â Having someone so close to you for so long, it's hard to think of separating from that person. I'll trust your advice, after all, you do this sort of thing for a living, right?[/quote] Hey, I feel for you man, I've been through a few of these. I know that you feel bad about ending on a sour note, but trust me, if you push for closure, it will just prolong the process. I'm a proponent of a clean break, but do what you want... This is just how I would handle it.
     
  14. Mike C.

    Mike C. Senior member

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    Yea true, but don't equate caringless with being a jerk. Women just don't want some wimpy guy that they can walk all over, someone who just goes along with everything they say. They want a real man, one who takes charge and isn't afraid to tell them to "shut the hell up," when they start bitching.

    Guys get dumped because they turn into the womens bitch... to put it less harsh, the relationship ends when the guy changes into someone different than the person who the girl was initially attracted to.
     
  15. LA Guy

    LA Guy Opposite Santa Staff Member Admin Moderator

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    Mike C.,

    I think you're generally right, but you've got to put it a little less bitter.

    Women, by-and-large, do want a sensitive, caring guy. But don't equate sensitive and caring with being a doormat. As in all relationships (romantic or otherwise,) you get respect when you take no bullshit. And don't be indecisive - that's friggin' annoying to everyone, women included.
     
  16. Bradford

    Bradford Senior member

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    THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Enjoy yourself, doesn't mean being a jerk, doesn't mean being too needy, but be yourself and HAVE FUN. The best way to get over a breakup is to be comfortable with yourself, enjoy hanging out with your true friends and don't worry about looking for another girlfriend yet. If one comes along, great. If not, just be confident about who you are and you will find that women are attracted to you just for that sense of confidence you will exude. This is your chance to try dating many different types of women and learning what you do and do not like. There's no reason to get serious with one woman at this age. You have plenty of time for that in the future. I know it feels bad now, but don't let her actions color your feelings. You choose your own reactions. Yeah - sometimes it sucks, but you can handle it. Bradford
     
  17. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    There are literally BILLIONS of other women out there and you haven't even begun to meet them all because you are very young. You likely don't know who you really are yet yourself, so why would you expect a college-age girl to do so? HAVE FUN NOW. Don't listen to your heart; listen to your raging hormones instead (but always, always use a condom). Only get serious with women as you approach 30 or something and you really need the marriage tax break. [​IMG]
    THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Enjoy yourself, doesn't mean being a jerk, doesn't mean being too needy, but be yourself and HAVE FUN. The best way to get over a breakup is to be comfortable with yourself, enjoy hanging out with your true friends and don't worry about looking for another girlfriend yet. If one comes along, great. If not, just be confident about who you are and you will find that women are attracted to you just for that sense of confidence you will exude. This is your chance to try dating many different types of women and learning what you do and do not like. There's no reason to get serious with one woman at this age. You have plenty of time for that in the future. I know it feels bad now, but don't let her actions color your feelings. You choose your own reactions. Yeah - sometimes it sucks, but you can handle it. Bradford
    I plan on hanging out with a bunch of my guy friends tonight, so I hope that helps put things into perspective for me. I really want to date a variety of girls. Someone really unique with their own true personality. Someone who is really open-minded and positive about things. That person would make me really happy. Or if all else fails, I could try to go through with the Don Juan plan.
     
  18. theodoro

    theodoro Member

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    Versace-

    Sorry to hear about the breakup. It will take some time to get over this, in the meantime enjoy the opportunities you have with other women.  Revel in the freedom and try all the flavors, it will help you keep your mind occupied.   Like my old man advised, "Girls are like buses, there is another one along every fifteen minutes."  

    I went through a simliar breakup; you feel so empty when your best friend and lover is no longer with you.  There is no point in searching for understanding or meaning for the breakup, only that it is time to move on and eventually find the right one, although miss right now will do for a while.  I sought comfort and approbation in the arms of every cutie I could pick up at BBC or Judges.  

    BTW:  I've probably run into you on the racquetball courts, I play afternoons on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

    Oh, get your stuff from her place soon, especially if there is anything meaningful. My first longtime ex threw out my passport and gave my baseball glove [had it since cub scouts] to the Salvation Army.

    Best regards

    T
     
  19. VMan

    VMan Senior member

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    I like the little quip about 'girls are like busses'. True. I don't play racquetball too much (my suitemate does, and so does another friend, so sometimes I'll join one of them). I need to play a little more. Unfortunately, I'm not 21 and don't have a fake so I can't hit any of the local bars [​IMG] I hear good things about the BBC. She doesn't have too many of my things...an old T-Shirt from high school, a pair of soft CK sleep shorts, $15, a hooded sweatshirt, and half my heart [​IMG]
     
  20. Duveen

    Duveen Senior member

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    I think the reason that you are getting so many responses is that all of us see parallels - some more than others (Valmont may not have had this problem...). Sorry for the long post.

    The advice to 'go out and get it' is dead-on, but EXTREMELY hard to follow. Especially if you have a tendency to compare women to your ex, talk about the recent breakup, etc (all of these are obvious no-nos).

    I went through the yo-yo breakup (with the same girl mentioned before - and never since) multiple times. The whole 'it isn't THAT broken, so maybe we can fix it' logic is deadly. You don't want it to end on a sour note, but in the end that is the only note that it can ever end on - otherwise it wouldn't end. You are certainly still attached to, and care for, each other, but at some point it just doesn't work and all the love in the world can't overcome the history and the fact that one of you (at least) is ready to move on.

    It is always hardest when: a) it's first love; b) it doesn't end with those made-for-Hollywood clear-cut fights/discoveries of infidelity/ridiculously destructive trashing of apartment scenes. When people realize that while they have something, it isn't enough and just let each other drift away there is a huge amount of aching regret. No, it doesn't have to be (e.g. she's got cancer/nymphomania/an arranged marriage to go to) but it IS. That sucks the most, but you need to accept it and truly begin to let go.

    Let time pass, do try to limit contact at first. Take a look around at the scenery, even if you don't act on it much. And, above all, remember that it isn't any less broken because there was no perfect catharsis to set the end in stone.
     

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