How can I get some kind of dating life going?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by dapperdude, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. impolyt_one

    impolyt_one Senior member

    Messages:
    14,457
    Likes Received:
    4,790
    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2006
    Location:
    The Temple of Jawnz
    You need:

    a) a good leather jacket
    b) drugs
    c) to move to an interesting place
    d) to stop feeling sorry for yourself
     


  2. dapperdude

    dapperdude Senior member

    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    1
    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2007
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    Fair enough. Thanks for all the responses.
     


  3. impolyt_one

    impolyt_one Senior member

    Messages:
    14,457
    Likes Received:
    4,790
    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2006
    Location:
    The Temple of Jawnz
    also, try hookers . /styleforumanswer
     


  4. Ambulance Chaser

    Ambulance Chaser Senior member

    Messages:
    9,834
    Likes Received:
    954
    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2002
    Location:
    Washington, D.C.
    OP, my personality and situation is similar to yours, so I have a lot of sympathy. I co-sign everything Maegnus posted and add the following random thoughts.

    Woman have certain security issues when it comes to dating that men do not have. A woman wants to know that a man she just met is not a psychopath or won't become one if things don't go well. Accordingly, they have their guard up and are easier to meet if you have something in common, be it a friend or interest. I would rank the following ways to meet women in order from best to worst:

    1. Set-up by friends who know you well.
    2. House party/happy hour hosted by common friend.
    3. Happy hour centered around common interest/background (e.g., alumni group, hobby).
    4. Social happy hour not centered around common interest/background.
    5. Bar/club on Friday/Saturday night.

    1 and 2 are difficult if you have a limited social network. It sounds like 5 is a non-starter. Most meetups fall into category 4, which is why they've never worked for me. I recommend that you concentrate on category 3. Cooking classes are a good start. Do you like wine? The arts? Tons of single women at those events.

    I'm not big on online dating. I think it encourages "checklist dating" whereby people (both men and women) reject potential partners if they are the "wrong" age, race, religion, height, profession, etc. Whereas if they actually met the person, they might hit it off. It's okay as a supplement. Ditto for events that are specifically geared toward singles. I've discovered that they attract lesser caliber singles. Of course, I occasionally attend those, so who am I to talk? :D

    I am skeptical of PUA concepts working on the type of woman in whom you would be interested (presumably intelligent, professional women in their late 20s and early 30s). That said, PUA has contributed some valuable ideas like the "three-second rule" (walk up to and talk to an attractive woman within three seconds of seeing her). It's worth checking out, but take it with a mountain of salt.

    If you're in good shape and dress well, you're ahead of the game. This is not StyleForum propaganda. Women notice these things.

    In the end, it's a numbers game. Attractive women generally do not approach men, so you're going to have to suck it up and do the approaching. It never gets easy (if it does, you're probably approaching women you don't find all that attractive). Don't take rejection personally and don't be rude if a woman isn't interested. Just move on to the next one. If a woman is talking to you for 15 minutes and isn't looking for a way out, she's probably willing to go out with you. At a natural break in the conversation, say something like, "I've really enjoyed our conversation and would love to continue it sometime after work. What day and time work for you?"

    Hope this helps. Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2013


  5. Cary Grant

    Cary Grant Senior member

    Messages:
    9,673
    Likes Received:
    406
    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2008
    Location:
    Knee deep in curds
    How do you do with friends? I mean truly good friends. The kind you call for no particular reason, horse around etc. I assume you're the type who keeps a very few (even one) good friend versus a bunch of friends? I myself am the prior.

    I bring it up as approaching dating very -very- casually with the goal of developing a strong friendship first really does work. Even if it never goes further, you'll have found a friend who can help you with other issues.
     


  6. dapperdude

    dapperdude Senior member

    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    1
    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2007
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    

    That's a good question. Yes, I am the same - few good friends vs. many. The other night I got a call from an old buddy I knew when I lived in LA. We talked for 2 hours. That guy has such interesting stories, and I really value his friendship.

    I think that's a really good idea.

    Maybe as a first step, I just need to change my mindset and think primarily about 1) making friends and 2) being less selfish.
     


  7. dapperdude

    dapperdude Senior member

    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    1
    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2007
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    

    You must be from an older generation. Are you familiar with the job market for IT and software developers? It's hard to find a "permanent" job in my field anywhere. Fortunately, I found a good full-time leadership position recently. I hope to stay here and "climb the ladder" if it's possible, as this is a good place. I definitely have less interest in job hopping these days. Barring layoffs, firing, downsizing, etc., I will be here for awhile.
     


  8. dapperdude

    dapperdude Senior member

    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    1
    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2007
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    

    There's a wine meetup I've been meaning to go to. There's really tons of meetups going on in this city; I just need to take advantage of it all.

    That reminds me....

    Whole Foods is offering a cooking class, too. They also have a weekly wine and beer tasting, and my new job is literally across the street. Great ideas, Ambulance Chaser.

    Starting to feel better. Bottom line, I know I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.
     


  9. manchambo

    manchambo Senior member

    Messages:
    208
    Likes Received:
    73
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2012
    

    The picture that is emerging to me is of a person who has established a rigid set of rules for his life that makes it virtually impossible to interact socially, much less date. You mentioned that you are very into the paleo diet, so I'm sure your eating is very restricted ("A bunch of us are heading to an Italian joint, want to come? Can't, paleo diet." Just a guess.) And you can't go out past 9 pm because of your sleep schedule. That right there would eliminate perhaps 90 percent of the people you could date. Aside from the practicality that almost all people in their thirties want to go out from time to time, it would be a huge red flag to most people that you are so rigid you can't stay up late in your thirties. My grandpa used to be pretty rigid about getting to bed by nine, but he could get away with it because he was 80. For you it signals no fun, no spontaneity, none of the flexibility that might make a good life partner, no way anyone wants to date that.

    It's fascinating to me that you valorize this characteristic by saying you are "very independent minded." It doesn't even strike me as particularly independent minded, and certainly is not a desirable characteristic, to be too inflexible to interact with others in a normal way. But it is probably a decent coping mechanism for you: saying you're not socializing because you're just too independent minded to do so is presumably easier than facing whatever the real reason You're not socializing. First and foremost, you need to identify the real reason and address it.
     


  10. globetrotter

    globetrotter Senior member

    Messages:
    20,605
    Likes Received:
    390
    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2004
    Location:
    greater chicago
    ok, I am going to be pretty brutally honest - but I am a basic introvert who was single until about 30 and them married a wonderful woman and has a great family



    1. you probably want to have a little, not a lot, therapy. you probably have issues. sorry, suck it up

    2. you are probably not very interesting to women - you are passionate about paleo, you run and lift weights (women don't care about those things anywhere near as much as you think they do) and you are in IT and spend a lot of time worried about your job.

    3. work out some things that are interesting to women - a few interesting things about your life, something. practice the stories. meet women, get them to tell you stuff about thier lives and themselves, be interested, and then tell them, a little, about what makes you interesting.

    4. date a lot - it seems to me you live in a place that is full of women, Austin. I've only had women come on to me a handful of times in my life, and once was in austin.

    5. you are way too picky. you are going to have to get used to the idea that you aren't atractive enough for the women you want. so, either you spend the rest of your life using prostitues, or you are going to have to date, sleep with and marry women who aren't that atractive. you don't sound very attractive, very rich or very intresting, why would attractive women want you? but there are many many reasonable women, with nice firm tight bodies who would probably love to have you. settle.



    good luck
     


  11. edmorel

    edmorel Quality Seller!! Dubiously Honored

    Messages:
    25,724
    Likes Received:
    3,386
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2006
    Location:
    NYC
    

    Cary, am I the kind of friend you horse around with?


    Dapper, I think you know what you need to do, you just have to set your mind to it. Don't approach a woman like she is a potential wife/long term relationship, don't compare them to your ex and be careful you don't come off too beta in these cooking classes. Cooking is a great skill to have and women appreciate men who can do it but you don't want to come off house-husband-ish.
     


  12. Cary Grant

    Cary Grant Senior member

    Messages:
    9,673
    Likes Received:
    406
    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2008
    Location:
    Knee deep in curds
    

    You'll always be my little pony.
     


  13. dapperdude

    dapperdude Senior member

    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    1
    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2007
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    

    Good point.
     


  14. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Senior member

    Messages:
    22,154
    Likes Received:
    7,352
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2006
    
    Eh, this is tricky for someone who lacks confidence about dating and probably telegraphs that. Of course great romantic/sexual relationships can grow out of strong friendships, and of course you should treat women you are interested as friends in the sense of treating them with courtesy, respect, etc. But for someone like the OP -- recognizing that when I say "someone like the OP" I'm making a bunch of assumptions based on a few internet posts - it can be tough to climb out of the friend zone if that's where things start out. I would look at it a bit differently -- if he is attracted to and interested in a woman, he should make that clear from the start. If she doesn't feel the same way or the chemistry isn't there, he can decide whether he's interested in making the effort to remain friends (and, of course, meeting her girlfriends).
     


  15. Huntsman

    Huntsman Senior member

    Messages:
    7,735
    Likes Received:
    468
    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2004
    Good! Have to say, the occasional good whine can be kind of cathartic, especially if you make positive decisions when coming out of it.

    Good luck -- expect ups and downs, the downs suck but the ups really blow them away.

    ~H
     


Share This Page

Styleforum is proudly sponsored by