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Feeling disrespected.

mehhhh

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At home, at work, by friends, by lovers. Consistently. For a good chunk of time. (I'm 25, for context.) I know I'm a goofy dude. I get it. I like to have a good time. I don't take anything too seriously. I'm pretty laid back. Not intimidating. I've never thought of myself as a pushover or anything, but I increasingly get the impression that other people are seeing me that way, and I'm increasingly pissed off about it. I don't really know how to explain the specific situation. Maybe you have a friend or coworker who is like me, though. A well liked individual, fun to be around, but impossible to take seriously. The kind of person who people don't mind insulting randomly, assuming that a joking persona won't take anything to heart. The kind of guy who laughs it off. Someone whose contributions, suggestions, and skills are taken lightly. I've known these people all of my life. I made the general analysis that they just had low self esteem and turned everything into a big joke to avoid conflict and gain popularity. Worried I'm turning into one of these people. Recently had an ex lover describe me to one of her friends as 'not assertive enough'. (That's the comment that's mostly prompting this post.) This was particularly annoying because I know I absolutely laid it down in bed with this girl. Increasingly noticing that coworkers dismiss my efforts and contributions. Noticing my friends find it entertaining to rag on me to an extent that I feel is not equal to usual guy/guy back and forth banter, often surpassing the quantity and extremity values set forth by typical social standards in these situations. Apparently I'm just a joke punching bag. Somebody referred to be as a 'little bitch' the other day. None of these people have particularly bad intentions, but everyone knows I won't really stick up for myself, just for the sake of avoiding conflict. This part may sound rather douchtastic, but I find myself on the receiving end of jokes from people who are considered to be lower on the social totem pole than myself. I always make good eye contact when talking. I have good body language. I'm not shy- in fact I might talk too much. If there was a particular behavior that I could change here, I would, but I'm pretty much at a loss. I'd like to be seen by people as the intelligent, confident, hard working, fairly good looking and well dressed man that I am. I don't know why I'm not, but it's frustrating as hell. Do I need to punch somebody or what? Any thoughts? Suggestions? Sympathy?
 

mm84321

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It seems that other's perceptions of you don't exactly sync up with your own. Is there something you can identify that could be conveying a sense of low self worth to others? If you don't take yourself seriously, there is a good chance that others might follow suit. It sounds like you are a fairly confident individual who is secure in his own shoes, so perhaps you have to express this a bit more clearly to those around you. I'm a proponent of avoiding all unnecessary conflict, but when you are being mocked and insulted you have to let it be known that you won't tolerate it, otherwise it will just continue. It seems that you have an inner voice that isn't being heard.
 

Alter

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Originally Posted by mm84321
It seems that other's perceptions of you don't exactly sync up with your own. Is there something you can identify that could be conveying a sense of low self worth to others? If you don't take yourself seriously, there is a good chance that others might follow suit. It sounds like you are a fairly confident individual who is secure in his own shoes, so perhaps you have to express this a bit more clearly to those around you. I'm a proponent of avoiding all unnecessary conflict, but when you are being mocked and insulted you have to let it be known that you won't tolerate it, otherwise it will just continue. It seems that you have an inner voice that isn't being heard.

That's what I am reading too.

To the op:
There is a gap between your self-image and what others are seeing. What do you mean by being a "goofy dude". Are you a jokey kind of guy? A prankster? What? Perhaps others are not seeing the humor in the same way or perhaps you aren't as funny as you think you are.
And don't assume that being "assertive" is a comment on your bedding technique. Probably more to do with your interaction with her and others outside of the bedroom.
 

mehhhh

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Good thoughts guys. I'm going to sleep on it for now.
 

L'Incandescent

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I know what you're talking about. I've seen people in just the position you're describing. There was also a time when I was that guy. Once you're that guy, it's hard to get out of that position. But it can be done.

I think you hit on it near the end when you said you talk too much. In my experience, when people talk too much, it's often because they need approval from others--they want people to laugh at their jokes or to take their ideas seriously. That registers as weakness. Again, I used to be that guy. Now that I'm not that guy anymore, I have to admit that I get impatient with people who are like that.

Don't try to correct the problem by being a hard ass or by giving big outward shows of confidence. I think people typically recognize that for what it is--overcompensation. Just tone down the goofiness a bit, and most importantly, be very competent at what you do.
 

DerAngriff

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Next time one of your mates rags on you, be confrontational. I suggest saying 'settle down cunt' in an aggro voice as a great way to let him know you're serious. If he laughs, go in for a head butt. He won't be expecting it and it will drop him. Just don't connect the hard part of your forehead with his. Be ready for follow up biff. No-one will rag on you again. You may also be viewed as a complete psycho. Be prepared to be ostracised. On the upside, no-one will see you as a goofy dude.
 

Xericx

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stop caring what people think about you. you seem like you're overthinking things and a bit too sensitive which people catch on quickly and exploit to put you in your place. especially in the work place, people don't like people who talk too much with nothing to say.

if your original post is like how you talk, you're saying too much and too rambly. You could have probably said it all in a paragraph. insulting you is a subtle way that people have of trying to shut you up.

Try to be a quicker communicator. Only say what is essential and nothing more.
 

Svenn

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Originally Posted by mehhhh
Recently had an ex lover describe me to one of her friends as 'not assertive enough'. (That's the comment that's mostly prompting this post.)

People here and there will disrespect/be dismissive of you your whole life, no matter who you are or how successful you become- don't obsess about it and certainly don't become of those dudes who 'demands respect' or some other insecurity. It sounds like you're hanging around people who don't understand you, especially this ex. Unless you were really a total doormat, my guess is she was just an airhead.
 

Master-Classter

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sigh, I'll get flak for this but fuck it...


you need to adjust your attitude towards yourself and some of your beliefs about who you are and how you expect to be treated. Pay very careful attention to how you present yourself, the things you say about yourself, and immediately cut off things others say that are unacceptable. it won't take much, just being aware and a few small examples will suffice. Start thinking to yourself about who you want to be (not currently are) as a person and what that kind of person does/doesn't say and do and how others should interact with that person. You might consider thinking of a role model and watching what they say and do.

Do take ACTIVE control (instead of passive) of how you interact with others. Just be AWARE of what's happening and ACTIVELY make a few adjustments to your own and others behaviors. Notice the words and body language and then take time later to think about what was good/bad and how to improve it. Example things to do:

State your opinion because it matters and argue for it. Make sure others know that what you want/think is important. Take a position, stand by it, and people will respect you. They don't have to agree, but be clear on what you're all about. Make it clear that what you have to say is important and should be heard and if other's don't agree you don't really care. Not to be an ass, but that you enjoy debating and stuff but you take a stand on things.

If someone disrespects you or insults you make it verbally clear that's not acceptable. Either call them out and literally say "excuse me?", or shoot someone else a surprised/mad look and the group will get the message. Try telling someone else of low status to fuck off right there and then for saying something you don't find acceptable (eg some punching bag comment). Simply ignore someone who insults you and turn away from them or cut them off with something else. You can verbally cut them off, or break eye contact, turn your back, grab one of the people and walk away, etc... just make it clear that you don't approve of what they're saying. You can try spending one on one time with others from the circle to get them to like you in advance and then they'll inform new members of how to treat you as they're integrated in. that's how you subtly (or not) 'correct' the bad behaviours others have gotten away with until now.

Try upping your social status / leadership by controlling the conversation a little. Eg. telling others what to do (even basic things like 'how about you do this and I'll do that'), etc, or 'ok people let's get moving', etc. Have a few stories of things you've done that show you're a successful confident person and tell them (not too often). People will tell you you talk too much and brag, etc but once the story's established the idea that you're X (a leader, successful, cool, creative, etc) that's the impression that will stick.

If people defer to you for an answer, don't give that power away by asking what others think. ie keep the respect you start to earn.


I'm not setting you up to be an asshole. I'm just giving you some basic ideas of what normal people do in moderation but since you're way off to the one side, in your head acting like a jerk will probably end up evening you out to about normal. You WILL make mistakes and cross the line and piss people off and all that. Especially because they're used to understanding you a certain way and you're changing that, but it's not as hard as it seems.
 

mehhhh

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Going to take the advice of Master-Classter particularly and others who suggested that I talk less. I'm not afraid of coming across as a dick, I do that sometimes anyway. I'd just like to be a dick who's taken seriously.
 

texas_jack

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Originally Posted by mehhhh
Going to take the advice of Master-Classter particularly and others who suggested that I talk less. I'm not afraid of coming across as a dick, I do that sometimes anyway. I'd just like to be a dick who's taken seriously.

Stand tall, speak in complete sentences in a loud voice, don't say maybe or it depends ever. THose are the immediate things. The bigger things are having a plan for your life and persuing it like you mean it.
 

caxt

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Originally Posted by Master-Classter

immediately cut off things others say that are unacceptable.


+1 This right here is key.
 

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