Father Issues: Need Advice vol. 1

[mm84321]

So, my father is having an extramarital affair.

The news of this was discovered by my sister who found an e-mail opened on his home desktop; love letters, if you will. He works in the city, and has a place there that he stays at occasionally, but the thought of him cheating on my mother never even crossed my mind. Their relationship has, admittedly, been tumultuous at times, but I suppose I just never could imagine something like this actually happening with my parents. Earlier this year, he went on a "business trip" to New Orleans, that through reading the e-mail, my sister found, it was actually a vacation with this other woman. Last Christmas Eve he was unusually late arriving home; he had concocted some story that I now realize was just a blatant lie.

Apparently, this has been going on for over a year.

I feel unsettled by this whole situation; my parent's relationship, and our family bond, has always meant quite a great deal to me. I am not sure if my mom is aware of the affair, and I have yet to confront her on the issue. Currently, my sister, who lives in Rome, is the only one I've talked to about all of this mess. Honestly, I really don't know the best way to approach this at all. The whole thing just kind of turns my stomach.

So, StyleForum, in your infinite wisdom and experience, can you perhaps shed some light as to the most appropriate course of action for dealing with an adulterous father?

 

[Dakota rube]

First, this is not about you. Try to keep that in mind as you go through the mess that will probably result from your sister's discovery.

Were it me, I'd talk to my father. Tell him what you suspect. He's got some decisions to make. Only after that conversation would I even consider talking to your mother. This is not the kind of news she wants to hear from her son.

You will resent your father for what has transpired up to now, and those feelings will be magnified as you live through the ensuing shitstorm in your household and in your family. Just remember this isn't about you.

 

[DerekS]

I dont envy you. If it were me, Id ignore it....

 

[OldGeezer]

Please don't tell your mother. Often the wife is the first to know, but says nothing and doesn't want to face it.

 

[ter1413]

talk to you father...and then let him know that either he has to, or you will talk to your mother....

 

[xchen]

Happened to a friend of mine, but it was involving his mom and seemed to be emails only, no actual physical relationship, although it had gone on for some time.

He confronted his mom loud enough that his dad overheard, and overall I think it was pretty awkward. I wouldn't want to be in that situation, so I'd suggest figuring out another way to handle it.

 

[globetrotter]

Originally Posted by Dakota rube

First, this is not about you. Try to keep that in mind as you go through the mess that will probably result from your sister's discovery.

Were it me, I'd talk to my father. Tell him what you suspect. He's got some decisions to make. Only after that conversation would I even consider talking to your mother. This is not the kind of news she wants to hear from her son.

You will resent your father for what has transpired up to now, and those feelings will be magnified as you live through the ensuing shitstorm in your household and in your family. Just remember this isn't about you.

+1

don't tell your mother.

talk to your father. don't give him ultimatums. tell his what you want - that you want him to stop, or explain why, or what.

figure out how valuable your relationship with your dad is. there is probrably a lot going on here that you don't know about. people, all people, are flawed. if you feel that you have to take sides, do so, but don't sever relationships with anybody - you will regret that later.

good luck

 

[Dakota rube]

Originally Posted by globetrotter

figure out how valuable your relationship with your dad is. there is probrably a lot going on here that you don't know about. people, all people, are flawed. if you feel that you have to take sides, do so, but don't sever relationships with anybody - you will regret that later.

Once again zach nails it.

 

[mordecai]

Seems pretty well covered above. Good luck.

 

[acidboy]

it really hurts to realize that parents are also flawed humans like us. gt nailed it right, so I just hope you get to discuss this with your dad.

 

[Gus]

Listen to Globetrotter and Dakota Rube.

 

[mm84321]

Thanks guys. As much as I'd like to just not have to deal with any of this, I know it will weigh heavily on my conscious if I don't. I'll be having lunch with my dad tomorrow, so I'll try to prepare myself before then.

 

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by pocketsquareguy

Listen to Globetrotter and Dakota Rube.
Repeated for emphasis. and good luck.

 

[indesertum]

sorry to hear this max. i hope everything goes well and we all wish you the best

 

[edinatlanta]

Originally Posted by pocketsquareguy

Listen to Globetrotter and Dakota Rube.

This. They are old and wise (in a good way).