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FAO: Bicyclists in The Loop

ChicagoJohn

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Now that your retarded looking beards finally grew in, you boys sure grew a set of brass balls along with it, didn't ya? Look at you out there in the snow and ice with your silly little tires and taped-together rear fender. Do you plan on ever stopping this season? Would it be possible to ride continuously through every single red light and crosswalk in the city? With the added loss of traction, that's just one more reason to disobey every fucking traffic law around you. Why would those apply anyway? You're on a fixed gear bike!! Fuck laws! Fuck everybody! You're on a BIKE!

PS- to the 2 shitbag hipsters from the suburbs who brought their bikes in on the trains at 710am rush hour...I hope you got hit by a bus and died as soon as you and your ilttle circus trike hit the fuckin pavement. You held up everyone around you as you attempted to navigate Union Station with a freaking BICYCLE at the busiest time of the day. The only thing stopping me from bashing your face with my $200 Tumi bag was the total amazement in how much effort you put into looking like "real" city hipsters. The clothes, the street grime, the shaggy hair and beards. Your girlfriend with the short, overdyed hair, facial piercings and gunt. You had me fooled for a bit there...until I realized you just got off the freaking train from Naperville with me
 

turboman808

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Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Something tells me you really don't have the balls to hit someone with your $200 tumi bag.


When I ride I wear bright pink. Mainly for the purpose of fucking up anyone who decides to mess with me. Somehow being in pink draws out all the tough guys. Way I figure no one is gonna call the cops and tell them some guy in pink spandex just fucked them up.

 

Nouveau Pauvre

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Originally Posted by turboman808
Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Something tells me you really don't have the balls to hit someone with your $200 tumi bag. When I ride I wear bright pink. Mainly for the purpose of fucking up anyone who decides to mess with me. Somehow being in pink draws out all the tough guys. Way I figure no one is gonna call the cops and tell them some guy in pink spandex just fucked them up.

If you happen to be one of the myriad Baltimore bike-hipsters, step to me and I'll personally smack you with my $200 Rag & Bone bag. Black eye will go well with all the pink.
 

rdawson808

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You could apply this equally well to DC. Others?

b
 

ChicagoJohn

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I saw one of these guys flying down the sidewalk wearving through people this summer. Then he swerves aroudn a bus stop, jumps the curb, and smashes directly into the back of parked taxi cab.

His girlish figure flew up on the trunk and face-planted into the rear window. Twig arms and legs were everywhere. The $4 dork-mobile he flew in on bounced about 10 feet off the back bumper and crumpled into a mass that, remarkably, made it look like even more of a piece of shit than it was before.

Not a single person stopped to help. The cabbie didn't even get out of the car. It was an epic moment of social justice.
 

SField

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Originally Posted by ChicagoJohn
Now that your retarded looking beards finally grew in, you boys sure grew a set of brass balls along with it, didn't ya? Look at you out there in the snow and ice with your silly little tires and taped-together rear fender. Do you plan on ever stopping this season? Would it be possible to ride continuously through every single red light and crosswalk in the city? With the added loss of traction, that's just one more reason to disobey every fucking traffic law around you. Why would those apply anyway? You're on a fixed gear bike!! Fuck laws! Fuck everybody! You're on a BIKE!

PS- to the 2 shitbag hipsters from the suburbs who brought their bikes in on the trains at 710am rush hour...I hope you got hit by a bus and died as soon as you and your ilttle circus trike hit the fuckin pavement. You held up everyone around you as you attempted to navigate Union Station with a freaking BICYCLE at the busiest time of the day. The only thing stopping me from bashing your face with my $200 Tumi bag was the total amazement in how much effort you put into looking like "real" city hipsters. The clothes, the street grime, the shaggy hair and beards. Your girlfriend with the short, overdyed hair, facial piercings and gunt. You had me fooled for a bit there...until I realized you just got off the freaking train from Naperville with me


O MY GOD YES!!!!!

Thank you. I nearly lost my life to some faggy douchebag wearing nut huggers atop some stupid looking Euro trashy bike this morning as I was crossing Wabash.
 

SField

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Originally Posted by Magician
If you happen to be one of the myriad Baltimore bike-hipsters, step to me and I'll personally smack you with my $200 Rag & Bone bag.

Black eye will go well with all the pink.


Dude come on, what are you going to do? Blow out the contents of your nose at him? Please man, you don't look like the tough guy type, don't fake it on the internet.
 

Nouveau Pauvre

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Originally Posted by SField
Dude come on, what are you going to do? Blow out the contents of your nose at him? Please man, you don't look like the tough guy type, don't fake it on the internet.

Mad that you are now the second-best snarky newcomer?
 

SField

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Originally Posted by Magician
Mad that you are now the second-best snarky newcomer?

Absolutely not. If I'm overthrown, as long as it is by quality like this, I believe in the greater good, so we all benefit from hilarious diatribes like this one. To me, they're valuable public service announcements.
 

ChicagoJohn

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Originally Posted by SField
Absolutely not. If I'm overthrown, as long as it is by quality like this, I believe in the greater good, so we all benefit from hilarious diatribes like this one. To me, they're valuable public service announcements.

You may recognize my earlier works/rants/diatribes under the psuedoname "Vanity". Unfortunately, he was a little to crass and eventually had to be scrapped due to public outcry and a very uncouth nature on an otherwise stable board.

I think I've made a lot of progress since then. Most notably not being banned. But otherwise, more intelligent and thought-out quibs.

Enjoy
 

SField

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Originally Posted by ChicagoJohn
You may recognize my earlier works/rants/diatribes under the psuedoname "Vanity". Unfortunately, he was a little to crass and eventually had to be scrapped due to public outcry and a very uncouth nature on an otherwise stable board.

I think I've made a lot of progress since then. Most notably not being banned. But otherwise, more intelligent and thought-out quibs.

Enjoy


If you are Vanity then I look forward to our future collaborations and disagreements. Please don't weigh your material down with too much intelligence.
 

Mauby

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haha...I hear you about those hipsters on bikes. Paying $500 for an old schwinn so they can take off the gears and brakes. But your user name is ChicagoJohn and you're from the 'burbs? Ack.
 

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