Big relationship trouble!

[JetBlast]

Hello,
This is my first post on this forum, so if anyone has suggestions on how to make it better that would be appreciated. I am definitely hoping some of the people here can help me out!

My problem is pretty complicated. I'm in love with a girl, which happens as I'm sure everyone would know

The problem is that I am 15, she is 17, so things are a little hard, but I think she has taken a small interest in me. She has done things with me that she doesn't do with normal people (we've just gone for drives around without going anywhere in particular just to be around each other, held hands, etc) but nothing too big like kissing or whatever. I have even bought her a beautiful ring from one of the jewelry shops near here just so she can have something with her that means something very important.

Now here's where the problems start! First of all she will be going off to college at the end of this year, so that creates a problem. I still have 2 more years of high school left and them I'm going to college too, so that's 6 years of being away most of the time. We go to school together now and see each other every day, and we both work together on the school newspaper. People think we are just friends, and we really are.

As I said before I am a sophomore, in love with a senior. She has hinted at me that she doesn't want to do anything more than friendship right now, just because she doesn't want to be known as a senior who dated a sophomore. I understand that but it still hurts a little

I know some of the older members on here are probably thinking that its only 2 years difference, which really isn't that much, but it is pretty big in high school! There's also the issue of my appearance which isn't really anything special, while she is a beautiful girl. We have a lot in common, and she tells me I am more mature than any 10th grader she has ever met, so I take that as a compliment!

Anyway back to the problem. Not too long ago I made the mistake of lying to her about some things, because I wanted to make her seem like I am the guy she wants. I know I can't make someone else like me but once I have my eye set on it, I know what I want! I obviously went too far this time because now she won't talk to me at all, in person, on the phone, or in email. I want to apologize but if I can't talk to her there's nothing I can really do! I want to talk to her about it because I think we can just forget about this and start over but she doesn't seem willing to do that. I know why I did it, I am scared of the future and the guys that she will meet, and that I will lose her. I don't want that!

For the older members on the board, it might just be immature love, I don't know. I just feel a connection with her! My parents knew each other since high school and they are married now, this girl is one I would be interested in doing the same thing with! I don't want to let her go, and yes I know there are other fish in the sea, but I've never had an opportunity like this before, and I don't want to lose it. I am confused!

Does anyone have any suggestions for what I should do in this situation? Should I just let her cool off for a little while and try again?

Thanks for your help!

Brian


PS I also think this may be the longest first post I have ever seen

 

[lawyerdad]

Originally Posted by JetBlast

Hello,

For the older members on the board, it might just be immature love, I don't know.Should I just let her cool off for a little while and try again?



Welcome aboard. Yes, let things cool off. I'm not so sure about the "try again" thing, but it can't really hurt. Just stop obsessing about it.
In the mean time, spend time with and if possible date other girls (and you can set your own moral standards, but I'd certainly encourage you to move beyond the hand-holding stage with some of them). I know it feels like your feelings are the "real thing" and having older folks tell you stuff like "it's puppy love, you'll get over it" sounds like BS. But it's the truth. I'd give great odds that it won't be long before you're equally obsessed with some other girl. (Hormones are fickle things.)
Don't sweat the "lost opportunity". First, if she's not into you that way, I'm not even sure what the "opportunity" is that you're afraid to lose, unless it's the opportunity to get yourself all moody and depressed when listening to terrible, trite songs about unrequited love. Second, there will be many, many more opportunities. The biggest lost opportunity would be the opportunity to explore and experience other girls because you spend the next several years servicing an over-romanticized fantasy relationship with a girl who has gone off to college and moved on with her life.
She's not available to you now. Find someone who is. On the off chance that at some point in the future an opportunity to be with this girl presents itself and you're still interested, deal with it then.
Trust me, this will pass.

 

[Edward Appleby]

Originally Posted by lawyerdad

Welcome aboard. Yes, let things cool off. I'm not so sure about the "try again" thing, but it can't really hurt. Just stop obsessing about it.
In the mean time, spend time with and if possible date other girls (and you can set your own moral standards, but I'd certainly encourage you to move beyond the hand-holding stage with some of them). I know it feels like your feelings are the "real thing" and having older folks tell you stuff like "it's puppy love, you'll get over it" sounds like BS. But it's the truth. I'd give great odds that it won't be long before you're equally obsessed with some other girl. (Hormones are fickle things.)
Don't sweat the "lost opportunity". First, if she's not into you that way, I'm not even sure what the "opportunity" is that you're afraid to lose, unless it's the opportunity to get yourself all moody and depressed when listening to terrible, trite songs about unrequited love. Second, there will be many, many more opportunities. The biggest lost opportunity would be the opportunity to explore and experience other girls because you spend the next several years servicing an over-romanticized fantasy relationship with a girl who has gone off to college and moved on with her life.
She's not available to you now. Find someone who is. On the off chance that at some point in the future an opportunity to be with this girl presents itself and you're still interested, deal with it then.
Trust me, this will pass.
Listen to this man.

I might only add that if she doesn't want to date you because you're younger, she probably wouldn't fully reciprocate your love even if you did become a couple.

 

[JetBlast]

Thanks for the help, lawyerdad and Edward.

spend time with and if possible date other girls

That is a good point that many people have told me, but I have never had a girlfriend before so finding another one is not exactly going to be easy. When you have someone else on your mind it is hard to go with another girl obviously.

I'd give great odds that it won't be long before you're equally obsessed with some other girl.

Are you willing to bet on that

Hormones are fickle things.

Indeed. I don't like hormones too much at this point!

if she's not into you that way, I'm not even sure what the "opportunity" is that you're afraid to lose

That is a good point. I don't think I included this in the original post which I should have, but I'm not sure if she actually likes me in that way. She hasn't told me but we have done some certain things that would suggest it. Holding hands, all that stuff. The opportunity I'm scared to lose is if she actually does like me and I don't know it. We could make things work if that is the case!

gone off to college and moved on with her life.

Well she did say that we could try and make it work after college, but that was before she stopped talking to me. I don't know how she feels now.

She's not available to you now. Find someone who is.

For now I'm letting things cool off. It's just hard for a person like me to let go especially since I have never felt like this about someone before.

Trust me, this will pass.

I know it will, I am just really feeling it right now!

if she doesn't want to date you because you're younger, she probably wouldn't fully reciprocate your love even if you did become a couple.

That is a painful thought but yes I do realize that is true. Maybe after college it will work fine but in high school things like this are hard to work with when you have all your peers paying attention. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable dating a sophomore!

Thanks again for your help!

Brian

 

[lawyerdad]

No problem. FWIW:
1. Unless you're horribly disfigured or something (and probably even then) getting dates is a whole lot easier than you think. Getting up the courage to ask girls out, or simply to seek out opportunities to hang out with them, can be hard. With practice, once you learn that rejection won't kill you, it gets easier. And I suspect you'll get more positive responses than you suspect. This girl we're talking about seems, if nothing else, to like you as a person. Isn't it logical to assume that other girls will as well, unless this girl is some sort of sui generis freak?
2. Yes, I'd bet quite a bit that you'll soon be obsessed with somebody else. Been there, done that. It's called being a teenager.
3. If you're not sure if she "likes you that way", find out. You can simply try kissing her, or you can simply ask her directly. Counter-intuitive as it may seem, finding out a girl doesn't dig you and that it's time to move on is actually a whole lot better than suffering in the limbo of indecision.
4. "After college" is a lifetime from now. Worry about that when you get there. In the unlikely event you do hook up after college, you'll bring a lot more to the relationship if you haven't spent the preceding six years in self-imposed monkish abstinence.

 

[Joffrey]

Maryland...holla!

 

[Nantucket Red]

Consider Lawyerdad's advice gospel. You're still young and, trust me, are going to meet many amazing women during the course of your life. All too soon you'll be old enough to wish you were young again, so don't waste your time obsessing over something that is such a huge MAYBE.

 

[Edward Appleby]

Originally Posted by lawyerdad

Counter-intuitive as it may seem, finding out a girl doesn't dig you and that it's time to move on is actually a whole lot better than suffering in the limbo of indecision.
QFT^∞

Wondering what could have been will start to kill you.

 

[JetBlast]

Unless you're horribly disfigured or something (and probably even then)

No, I don't think I can be considered as disfigured, just naturally unattractive

This girl we're talking about seems, if nothing else, to like you as a person. Isn't it logical to assume that other girls will as well, unless this girl is some sort of sui generis freak

She does seem to like me, and no she is not some type of freak. I assume other people will like me all the same but it's just my fear of losing her that I am worried about. I am a very hard-headed person!

If you're not sure if she "likes you that way", find out. You can simply try kissing her, or you can simply ask her directly. Counter-intuitive as it may seem, finding out a girl doesn't dig you and that it's time to move on is actually a whole lot better than suffering in the limbo of indecision.

I know, I will do that. I have hesitated in trying to move in for the kiss because she has said before, she doesn't think she is ready for it. I don't want to move too fast and push her away, in a sense. I do want to know how she feels though!

"After college" is a lifetime from now. Worry about that when you get there. In the unlikely event you do hook up after college, you'll bring a lot more to the relationship if you haven't spent the preceding six years in self-imposed monkish abstinence.

I know after college is a long time away and I am not so worried about that right now. I would just prefer to think that hooking up after college isn't all that unlikely! It's probably a stupid proposition but I just prefer to think that will happen. I also don't plan on staying alone for 6 years either, I couldn't handle that!

Maryland...holla!

Annapolis is in the house!

Thanks for the help!

Brian

 

[Matt]

Last thing you wanna hear is a guy twice your age saying 'sorry son, move on' but here it comes...(ill put it in white so you dont have to hear it).... sorry son, move on We've all been there. I lost count of the number of times I met my future wife between 13 and 17. Didnt marry any of them. Managed to ******* up countless times. You learn something from each of the **** ups though, while you are sitting in your room playing (in my case) Rage Against The Machine way too loud to annoy your parents. Then at some point in your late twenties you think 'wish I was 15 again, I know so much more now"....but then some woman kicks your ass again, and you realise that youre 30 and you still dont know ****

Good luck buddy, and welcome to the forum.

 

[grimslade]

I was in a similar situation, believe it or not. I was a sophomore, smitten with a senior. We used to drive around in her car, stay up all night, then I'd sneak home at dawn. It was (mostly) platonic, but also very private. We'd see each other alone, after she'd come home from hanging out with her senior friends. More than one policeman approached her car as we sat in a parking lot at 4am, talking, and walked away bewildered to have discovered two fully clothed adolescents in a car in the middle of the night, talking about the way the world worked.

It took me a long time to realize that the relationship just meant a lot more to me than it did to her.

I've been married for years, but I attended her (second) wedding just over a year ago. I was surprised that there was still a pang at seeing her commit her life to someone else, even after all these years, and in spite of the fact that I'm happily married with children I adore. It's a tough situation. If you hadn't already alienated her through whatever lies you told, I'd say enjoy it while it lasts, and let what comes, come. She and I stayed in touch all through college, and saw each on occasion, but there was never any illusion on either of our parts that we were "committed" to each other. We were great friends with a deep rapport and ability to understand each others problems.

If that's important to you, try not to worry about the other stuff. And if she won't forgive you, move on. She'll be gone in a few months anyway.

 

[Quirk]

Originally Posted by lawyerdad

No problem. FWIW: 1. Unless you're horribly disfigured or something (and probably even then) getting dates is a whole lot easier than you think. Getting up the courage to ask girls out, or simply to seek out opportunities to hang out with them, can be hard. With practice, once you learn that rejection won't kill you, it gets easier. And I suspect you'll get more positive responses than you suspect. This girl we're talking about seems, if nothing else, to like you as a person. Isn't it logical to assume that other girls will as well, unless this girl is some sort of sui generis freak? 2. Yes, I'd bet quite a bit that you'll soon be obsessed with somebody else. Been there, done that. It's called being a teenager. 3. If you're not sure if she "likes you that way", find out. You can simply try kissing her, or you can simply ask her directly. Counter-intuitive as it may seem, finding out a girl doesn't dig you and that it's time to move on is actually a whole lot better than suffering in the limbo of indecision. 4. "After college" is a lifetime from now. Worry about that when you get there. In the unlikely event you do hook up after college, you'll bring a lot more to the relationship if you haven't spent the preceding six years in self-imposed monkish abstinence.
Damn lawyerdad, where the hell were you when I was 15? And, um, 21.

Originally Posted by m@T

Then at some point in your late twenties you think 'wish I was 15 again, I know so much more now"....but then some woman kicks your ass again, and you realise that youre 30 and you still dont know ****

Ah, good. So it ain't just me, then.

 

[JetBlast]

met my future wife between 13 and 17.

I haven't gone so far as to say she will be my future wife, I would just disappoint myself if I did that

bewildered to have discovered two fully clothed adolescents in a car in the middle of the night, talking about the way the world worked.

That is a very good point. People would probably think I am just in it to get the girl for her looks but that isn't true. She is a very mature person as well, capable of holding a good conversation. That is important to me.

It took me a long time to realize that the relationship just meant a lot more to me than it did to her.

That is probably the case with me, I just don't want to admit it.

a pang at seeing her commit her life to someone else

And that is another thing. I still want to talk to her but maybe you would understand that it is a little painful (sort of) to talk to someone that you still love, even though they are with some else. It makes you feel like you aren't good enough for them. I've seen it happen to other people, it's a real put-down.

If that's important to you, try not to worry about the other stuff.

I just want to be good friends with her. It seems like more people move on to be with each other later in life if they are very good friends for a while rather than having one person madly in love with the other! But still not to sound negative but see above, what I said about talking to someone who is taken already.

Hopefully I don't come across as a depressed, miserable, desperate person

Brian

 

[grimslade]

For a long time, for years, I told myself that, while this girl was dating other people--even after she married the first time--my friendship with her was special and unique. And it was. It was a terrific friendship. So I didn't let the other guys bother me. Everyone's different in that respect, of course. And now I don't think I was right to assume that those other guys "meant nothing." They meant something--they meant that there were holes in her life that I wasn't filling. Our friendship was great, but she was looking for things I couldn't offer. Maybe she understood that better than I did, and thought it would be hurtful to put it that way. Maybe she didn't quite understand it herself.

At her (second) wedding, her father said something very striking. He said that she was a very closed person, that she didn't let people get close to her, but that her new husband "had found the key." I wanted to stand up, to tell him that he was wrong, that I had the key.

Then I realized that he wasn't wrong; I was. I knew things about her that no one else did. She could talk to me about things that she couldn't explain to anyone else. But that wasn't enough, somehow.

Sorry; you asked for advice and instead you're getting my own experiences reflected back onto your situation, which I'm sure is different.

You say she isn't talking to you at the moment, which is your immediate problem. Give it some time, and apologize for your transgressions. Be honest with her. If she doesn't come around, you have to consider the fact that maybe she isn't the person you imagine. If she does, be a good friend to her, and don't think about what happens later. So much growing up happens in high school, and a great deal more in college, so it's silly to consider whether you'll have a "relationship" in six years. You might not even recognize yourself at 22, much less her. Good luck.

 

[Matt]

Originally Posted by grimslade

You might not even recognize yourself at 22, much less her. Good luck.
Very well put