Big relationship trouble!

[lawyerdad]

Originally Posted by Quirk

Damn lawyerdad, where the hell were you when I was 15?
And, um, 21.

Ah, good. So it ain't just me, then.
LOL, probably about the same age, not following the advice I'm giving to Jet.
Kind of reminds me of my law school tax prof, who took a perverse delight in pointing out to a room full of students who probably had an average age of 26 or so how if you started dropping $2000 per year into an IRA at age 18 you'd be fabulously wealthy by the time you retired, but if you waited until age 25 to start funding your retirement you could invest $10,000 per year and never catch up. (I'm exaggerating the numbers, but you know those "the magic of compound interest" charts.)

 

[globetrotter]

I don't want to be terribly cynical, but I did want to throw in a few words:


1. forget the whole "friendship" issue - you are a teen age boy, your job is to try to get laid. no matter how you try to package it, what you are doing is engaging in eleborate, and innefective, strategies to get laid. some guys do this very well, yours doesn't seem to be working that well. so, you can break the pattern now, or you can suffer for another 10 or 15 years and then break the pattern.

2. you like her, she likes you, but she cought you in a lie, and now she won't talk to you. such is life. maybe try to find a girl who you don't have to lie to that much, in the future. this one seems to be out of reach, or at least, way too much investment for you right now.

3. try to find girls who are in your league. honestly, if I had been convinced of that simple rule 20 years ago, I would have had a much happier adolesense and youth. you are going for a girl who is both 2 years older than you, and very attractive. you are not making any demands on her. so, yes, she spends time with you - why shouldn't she? its free, isn't it? she has somebody to listen to her, and compliment her, who isn't trying to get into her pants, and who has rested the power of the relationship firmly in her side of the court. what do you get out of it, aside from some fantasy that in the future maybe you will be together?

4. good luck. welcome to the SF, but isn't there someplace that would be more fun for somebody of your age to hang out?

 

[Quirk]

Originally Posted by globetrotter

I don't want to be terribly cynical, but I did want to throw in a few words: 1. forget the whole "friendship" issue - you are a teen age boy, your job is to try to get laid. no matter how you try to package it, what you are doing is engaging in eleborate, and innefective, strategies to get laid.
Yikes, what's the cynical version?

 

[JetBlast]

You might not even recognize yourself at 22, much less her. Good luck.

Nicely said.

you are a teen age boy, your job is to try to get laid

Not necessarily. Some of us have more respect then that for the opposite sex. Yes I have thought about it (which is obvious because, well, I'm a teenage guy!) and I have even indirectly brought it up with her (I wasn't talking about us, we were actually running a story in our school newspaper about teen pregnancy). She said she doesn't want to be a loose woman, she wants to wait to find the right guy. Believe it or not I have enough dignity in me to want the same thing.

and now she won't talk to you. such is life

Well for one I don't feel comfortable knowing someone will not talk to me. I told her that if she doesn't want to talk, she needs to at least tell me that. I just want to have an idea of what is going on. She doesn't seem like the kind of person that would ignore someone else so I'm hoping she will tell me what is going on.

maybe try to find a girl who you don't have to lie to that much, in the future.

Well for now I'm going to try and give this one another shot. If it doesn't work, so be it. I think she is smart enough to realize that I screwed up, considering I am human such things happen.

try to find girls who are in your league.

Here's where I have to try and put up a small argument

I think she is in my league, she likes a lot of the things I do, and we have a lot in common. Obviously age is where we differ! I have heard of other people her age dating people my age and it has worked, so I don't see why it wouldn't work here, or at least have a small chance. Like I said, in the real world, 2 years isn't all that much of a difference.

so, yes, she spends time with you - why shouldn't she? its free, isn't it?

Not really. She always offers to pay for her own stuff (I don't let her but she makes an attempt) and whenever we go somewhere, she drives so it is her gas money. Not to mention she could just as easily be doing something else other than being with me.

who isn't trying to get into her pants

Wait a minute, didn't you say I was trying to get laid or whatever? You are confusing me as to what you think is going on.

what do you get out of it, aside from some fantasy that in the future maybe you will be together?

I have gotten a very good friend out of it, actually. Someone I can talk to without worrying about her saying anything to anyone. It's comforting to me and she also knows she can come to me with anything. She has told me some very personal stuff about her, and no one else needs to know what that stuff is. I trust her, she trusts me, it works well. Now I have to fix the problem I have created and see what she thinks of me then.

welcome to the SF, but isn't there someplace that would be more fun for somebody of your age to hang out?

Care to suggest anywhere? Just because I am 15 does not mean I don't like following men's fashion

I was also hoping some of the members here could help especially with this problem since they have done such a good job in the past.

And finally just for the record, here is a picture of us so you can put faces to names if you'd like-
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...ff/tmpB223.jpg
I am obviously not the sharpest looking, my hair was a mess!

Thanks again for your help.

Brian

 

[globetrotter]

JB - look, I am not trying to get into an argument with a 15 year old, nor do I really want to be the mena, cynical old guy, either. I can give you adivice that I wish I followed when I was your age, and perhaps it will help you out. if not, such is life, you can take your lumps like everyone else.

sorry, this is simply your mind trying to justify the situation. don't try to convince me, you won't. if you aren't trying to get laid, you aren't doing your job. do it carefully, but be honest with yourself about what is going on.

Here's where I have to try and put up a small argument

I think she is in my league, she likes a lot of the things I do, and we have a lot in common. Obviously age is where we differ! I have heard of other people her age dating people my age and it has worked, so I don't see why it wouldn't work here, or at least have a small chance. Like I said, in the real world, 2 years isn't all that much of a difference.

ok, here is the test - has she slept with you? if not, she isn't in your league.
you have known her for a long period of time, you like the same things, you have a lot in common. the botom line is, you are "friend" material. non-threatening friend material. 2 years, when you are 40, is nothing. 2 years, when you are 15, is the world.

I have gotten a very good friend out of it, actually. Someone I can talk to without worrying about her saying anything to anyone. It's comforting to me and she also knows she can come to me with anything. She has told me some very personal stuff about her, and no one else needs to know what that stuff is. I trust her, she trusts me, it works well.

actually, she has probrably kept you from making real friends (or a girl in your league) - what ever you think, your motives are romantic, and hers are to have a boy who gives her a huge amount of emotional support while not activly pursuing her body.

Care to suggest anywhere? Just because I am 15 does not mean I don't like following men's fashion

I was also hoping some of the members here could help especially with this problem since they have done such a good job in the past.

no, welcome, by all means.

look, I don't mean to be a jerk, but I think that every guy in the world goes through what you are going through. frankly, I wish somebody had convinced me at age 15 to

1. stop making friends with hot women
2, pursue women in my league
3. stop thinking that by provding emotional support to women I was doing something good


I would have had a lot more fun


but, hey, maybe when you are 40, and I am a dittering, senile old fool, we can review this, and see how things went.

good luck

 

[JetBlast]

JB - look, I am not trying to get into an argument with a 15 year old, nor do I really want to be the mena, cynical old guy, either. I can give you adivice that I wish I followed when I was your age, and perhaps it will help you out. if not, such is life, you can take your lumps like everyone else.

I don't want to argue either, I am taking all your points in, trust me. I am paying attention to your advice!

sorry, this is simply your mind trying to justify the situation. don't try to convince me, you won't. if you aren't trying to get laid, you aren't doing your job.

Like I said, yes I do think about, that's my job. Getting laid at 15 years old isn't really something I would like to do right now, but if we are still together later, yes it is something I have thought about. It's probably just my hormones kicking in though!

ok, here is the test - has she slept with you? if not, she isn't in your league.

No she hasn't. See below for an explanation.

you have known her for a long period of time, you like the same things, you have a lot in common. the botom line is, you are "friend" material. non-threatening friend material. 2 years, when you are 40, is nothing. 2 years, when you are 15, is the world.

Well since the end of summer last year, I wouldn't consider that to be an extremely long period of time, but we have really connected since then. And your point about age is exactly what I mean when I say that later in life 2 years isn't too much difference.

actually, she has probrably kept you from making real friends (or a girl in your league) - what ever you think, your motives are romantic, and hers are to have a boy who gives her a huge amount of emotional support while not activly pursuing her body.

I wouldn't say she has kept me from making real friends because I already have a few, none of them are girls btw. I also have searched for a girl in my league but none have interested me. Most of them seem to be stuck-up little brats that only care if their guy will buy them stuff at Abercrombie. That's why I have gone for this girl, who doesn't care too much about material things. It's not like I'm not willing to spend on her though.

look, I don't mean to be a jerk, but I think that every guy in the world goes through what you are going through.

You aren't being a jerk, you are bringing up a valid point. I am sure everyone else has gone through this, I'm just interested in ways to deal with it now that it might be happening. Since most of our other members have had this happen and gone through it I am interested in hearing what they have to say. I'm taking any advice even if it is a little harsh.

Brian

 

[Stu]

Originally Posted by lawyerdad

I'm not even sure what the "opportunity" is that you're afraid to lose, unless it's the opportunity to get yourself all moody and depressed when listening to terrible, trite songs about unrequited love.

Dang, for a lawyer you are actually pretty coherent

Seriously, could not have said it better myself.

 

[imageWIS]

It could be worse, she could have been sleeping 10 hours a day (i.e. has depression), was completely confused as to what she wanted in life (relationship, friends, school, direction, etc...), bi-polar, and chemically imbalanced due to taking a large amount of drugs (ecstasy, a lot, lot of coke, LSD, etc...) from the ages of 15-18 and still occasionally doing drugs and could have gone completely mental on you. Cus it happened to me this week, so trust me, it could be a lot worse. And even in my case, it could have been a lot worse... i.e. at least this didn't happen a year from now.

Just consider yourself lucky that its over and move on, there are another 3 billion fish in the sea, you WILL find someone else, trust me.

Jon.

 

[JetBlast]

Cus it happened to me this week, so trust me, it could be a lot worse.

Sorry to hear about that. I'll be honest and say that if I knew she had these kinds of problems I would probably find it hard to love her but there is a good chance I would do it anyway and try to help her out with her situation!

Just consider yourself lucky that its over and move on, there are another 3 billion fish in the sea, you WILL find someone else, trust me.

I'm still not sure if its over, first of all I still have feelings for her, and second she hasn't talked to me since it happened. So I'm not sure what her side of this is.
And if someone tells me that there are other fish in the sea I will probably scream

I know there are others but I have a big catch here that I don't want to lose!

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here but it feels good to have other people commenting on this.

Brian

 

[swisloc]

Originally Posted by JetBlast

I still want to talk to her but maybe you would understand that it is a little painful (sort of) to talk to someone that you still love, even though they are with some else.

ummm... wait, she's already with someone else? did you already mention that? If so, you really should move on. Not only is it not worth your trouble, but you should (and eventually, will) respect YOURSELF enough to understand that she is not right for you as a girlfriend if she doesn't want to date you. This is not to say that she will never be right for you, but certainly not right now.

It takes a long time to learn that you being comitted/thinking a relationship will work is only half the equation. As someone who has been in one sided relationships (from both sides) and it sucks. To be honest, it's actually feels worse being in a relationship where your love and energy is unrequited than to be crushed-out over someone as you do now. You feel like your wasting your time.

It's hard being awkward in high school, but sooner than you think you'll be confident and getting girls left and right and you won't even want to be in a relationship cause it will be TOO limiting. takes time, but it'll happen!

 

[lawyerdad]

Hopefully directness will be understood as trying to helpful:
You don't have a "catch". You've never kissed. She's suggested she doesn't want to be seen to be dating you because of the horrible social stigma of dating below her class. She's not even speaking to you at the moment. So, at least temporarily, you don't really even have a friendship. You've got bupkis.
You've heard the expression "how can I miss you if you won't leave?" IMHO, your best chance of her deciding she wants to resume some sort of relationship with you is to step away from her a bit and direct your energies elsewhere. The more you stay in her figurative face, the more she's likely to keep working to freeze you out.

 

[Stu]

Originally Posted by imageWIS

It could be worse, she could have been sleeping 10 hours a day (i.e. has depression), was completely confused as to what she wanted in life (relationship, friends, school, direction, etc...), bi-polar, and chemically imbalanced due to taking a large amount of drugs (ecstasy, a lot, lot of coke, LSD, etc...) from the ages of 15-18 and still occasionally doing drugs and could have gone completely mental on you. Cus it happened to me this week

Ah, so you too dated my ex-girlfriend.

 

[imageWIS]

Originally Posted by Stu

Ah, so you too dated my ex-girlfriend.

LMAO, the funniest thing is that it was only really a month and it felt like 6. Honestly, I'm happy I'm rid of her (even though she went ape **** at the end, and it hurt), because she was bringing me down. The best advice is that you don't take someone else's ****...and yes inasmuch as I wanted to help her (hell, her mom told me privately that she wanted me in her life since compared to others around her I was a positive, stabilizing force), I need to help me first, I matter more than she does (caveat: this only changes if you are happily married and / or have children, then your spouse / children matter more to you than your own life).

Jon.

 

[Matt]

Originally Posted by imageWIS

I need to help me first
Yeah dude. 10000 posts is out there somewhere.

 

[Fuuma]

To the original poster :

You’re making this waaayyyyy more complicated than it is, here are some simple instructions that should take you through high school and college, feel free to print them and keep them on display on your fridge:

1.Let’s leave family members out of the equation as you’ve already have 15 years of practice dealing with them and should be able to manage on your own. You better learn to get along as they’re the only people you’re really stuck with unless the situation is very extreme. For now just remember that if you bring any new members into this world the same rule applies: you’re stuck with them
2.People that you like and that, hopefully, like you back are friends. You can recognize them by the fact that they’re not family, you like ‘em and don’t want to stick ********** into them
3.Love interests are people that you like and that, hopefully, like you back. Sounds similar to friends but here’s the catch: they’re not family, you like ‘em and you want to stick ********** into them.
4.People can never be in two categories at the same time and trying to make that happen is a recipe for heartbreak (or worse if you want to combine 1 and 3). Sane people usually avoid the deadly 1/3 combo by themselves, but sometimes make mistake concerning 1-2 (your future kids aren’t your friends and never should be) and especially 2-3. If you’re trying to treat a love interest (3) as a friend (2) you’re lying both to yourself and the person and that can only lead to disenchantment and pain for both people involved. Now that you know that you must treat people according to the categories they’re in you must also understand that people who don’t classify you in the same category that you classify them (this girl seems to be a 3 but for her you’re a 2) are toxic, even if it’s not intentional. Clearly demonstrate to them, either through action or deed, which category they belong to and if they don’t respond accordingly take your distances. Life may reunite you at a later date but for now it’s the aforementioned recipe for heartbreak.
5.This may seem cold but remember you’re doing this to treat people truthfully and with the respect that you, or them, deserve. If the “stick ********** into” thing sounds too harsh, substitute “want to romance” but remember, a woman’s body is a beautiful thing and once you get acquainted with it you’ll realize physical love can also be noble and ethereal in nature.
6.If you ever want to go a notch in complexity level (i.e. you want to stick ********** in boys) come back here and ask additional questions, otherwise you should be 100% okay for years to come. No need to thank me.