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Being an introvert in a relationship with an extrovert

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by BobStrauss, Feb 2, 2014.

  1. BobStrauss

    BobStrauss Senior member

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    I've got a question for the forum regulars:

    I have always been a very introverted guy (solidly INFJ on the Meyers Briggs scale). However, I'm not helpless socially. I'm well-liked at work, I'm a teacher who maintains good working relationships with adult students and co-workers, and I actively/energetically contribute socially when in very small groups. However, I get uncomfortable, fatigued, and often anxious after a short time in larger settings. I'm beginning to believe this is just my nature.

    Problem is, the girl I'm seeing now has a very large, active family. They seem to have parties or gatherings about every weekend, and it's a bit overwhelming for me. My work week is filled with so much social interaction that I feel drained by the weekends, and now I'm unable get that recharge on Saturdays or Sundays. Thing is, I really like this girl, we've been dating for about six months and everything else is great. And I know this time is important for her, that she feeds off the group dynamic and of course has a strong relationship with her family, which is great. But it feels like we might not be a good fit long term. I don't know how I don't eventually spaz out in this situation.

    Any wisdom?
     
  2. GreenFrog

    GreenFrog Senior member

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    Why don't you talk to her about this and tell her exactly what you posted here and go from there?
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. ter1413

    ter1413 Senior member

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    And you don't have to go to every event every weekend.
    Do you have hobbies? Friends? Etc?
     
  4. why

    why Senior member

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    Grow up.
     
  5. BobStrauss

    BobStrauss Senior member

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    Just to give you some background, I moved to where I live now about a year and a half ago. I have lived abroad in a variety of places the last 7 years, and I have always been able to develop a few close relationships in each place. Therefore, most of my closest friends are overseas, though we still stay in decent contact.

    I have a very close friend here I hang out with, though not as much since starting my relationship with my gf six months ago. I have another very strong work-related friendship, and a handful of acquaintances I'll do stuff like play poker with. I'm probably closest with my immediate family, but only get to see them every couple months or so.

    As for hobbies, I like indoor gardening, lifting weights, running outside (I live near the Riverwalk in San Antonio - it's beautiful), and I am hooked on playing the guitar (just started about six months ago). I'm into design and fashion, obviously. Music, movies, and TV series also take up a lot of my time.

    I don't feel like I'm a total whack job loner. In fact, I'd be quite miserable not seeing anyone for a full day. But still, I'd be perfectly content being alone all but 2-3 hours of my day. And I feel like lately I've been on a social treadmill I can barely keep up with.
     
  6. ter1413

    ter1413 Senior member

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    So if there are events EVERY wknd and you don't want to attend one...just tell her!
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2014
  7. acidboy

    acidboy Senior member

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    break up and adopt a hundred cats

    just kidding- does your girl know how deeply introverted you are? more importantly, how much are you both willing to adjust for each other- specially you?
     
  8. matty long legs

    matty long legs Senior member

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    This is exactly my girlfriend and I. I'm very ISTJ. Basically, we have talked about it a lot and she's come to understand that I need time alone. It took her a whole to understand that my requiring alone time had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me.

    You need to communicate that to her. Yes, you also need to suck it up and go to important things but you can make a compromise that you don't have to stay the entire time and you can skip a family get together every now and then.

    If she likes you then she will understand.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2014
  9. cb78

    cb78 Member

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    I'm a IN** and my wife is a EN**. I'm in the same boat. you pick and choose your spots. You don't need to attend every event. And eventually if it works out, her family will figure you out and hopefully accept you for who you are. Nowadays when I go to events, I pick a spot on the couch and read a mag or zone out on the ipad and no one takes a second glance at me. They know thats just how I am.
     
  10. ter1413

    ter1413 Senior member

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    You take an iPad to an event?
    :brick:
     
  11. nootje

    nootje Senior member

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    I'm an entj, gf of 4 years is an introvert. Works fine, just que the other when you've had enough or need people. I have a lot of meetings/meet ups she doesn't participate in and stays at home, scurrying around the house. Gives me a lot of freedom, and in return I don't complain when we leave somewhere early when she wants to.

    Key word is: communicate
    If you care about each other you respects each other's needs and quirks (I HATE large 100+ people crowds, so she'll never ask me to come to a festival.)
     
    1 person likes this.
  12. cb78

    cb78 Member

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    yea sure, by event i mean a family dinner at the in-laws place or beach outing. whats wrong with that?
     
  13. ter1413

    ter1413 Senior member

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    Family dinner? I mean......can't you dis-connect from the inter-web/technology for a few hours?
     
  14. RedLantern

    RedLantern Senior member

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    ^ It's not about the internet, its about not wanting people in his face.:foo:
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2014
  15. MrG

    MrG Senior member

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    Well, that and displaying an utter lack of manners.
     
  16. ter1413

    ter1413 Senior member

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    Then he should stay home....
     
  17. RedLantern

    RedLantern Senior member

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    Surely there is some virtue in being present, if not involved? It appears he is trying to be a good guy and make some kind of compromise between his desire to be alone and his girlfriend's desire to be both with him and around a lot of family.
     
  18. MrG

    MrG Senior member

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    I disagree. At least in the context of the family dinner, it's far more rude to show up and ignore everybody than it is to simply not show up at all. It's one thing to politely decline invitations to events if your personality doesn't lend itself to spending time in large groups, but it's just plain boorish to vanish into an electronic device at a social gathering.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2014
  19. ter1413

    ter1413 Senior member

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    plus one......unless OP is under 14yrs old.
     
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  20. acidboy

    acidboy Senior member

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    plus one thousand millions.

    if you're bringing an ipad to wherever and just use it, then fuck you and your rude manners- you should've not wasted anybody else's time showing up, including yours. I also do not allow my children to bring along ipads whenever we step out of the house.. I like to think they learn to be more aware of whats around them, and they are "forced" to converse with us so I think that we're doing okay.
     
    1 person likes this.

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