Asked to stand as a groomsman at wedding of a guy I hardly know...

[unjung]

I received a call the other day from a member of my fraternity who I might see once a year at an alumni event. Other than the interactions we shared while I was chapter president, we never talked a lot. Certainly never got close enough to discuss women, feelings or the future. To be honest, he's a bit odd. On his call to me he told me that he'd always respected me, looked up to me, other nice complementary things, which I appreciated, but then he sprang a big one on me - he asked if I would serve as a groomsman at his upcoming wedding in June.

I'd received a verbal invite to the wedding and had considered going but certainly hadn't mentally committed. I would never have imagined I'd be asked. He insinuated his fiancÃ

e wanted to add another girl to her side so he needed another guy, and I think he's actually out of options, so came to me. I would have to pay to rent a terrible tux, likely with some brutal turquoise cummerbund or something, and possibly participate in the stag, which will not involve much drinking or going to Vegas or anything normal, unfortunately.

I've asked a few people what to do, but I'm thinking I could politely decline and say that after consideration I think it would be appropriate if he picked someone he was closer with to be there on his big day, and that I don't think I'm worthy, and all that. Or do I need to suck it up and just do it? What's the etiquette and exit here?

 

[Pantisocrat]

I'd decline. It looks like is just using you.

 

[CDFS]

I don't know about etiquette but this seems like an offer you can't refuse without it being a slap in the face. Are the other groomsmen frat brahs of yours?

 

[ter1413]

If you were/are NOT intending on going to the wedding, then say that unfortunately you won't be able to make it.....due to another issue. Wish him the best of luck and say that you were honored by him asking you to be a part of his special day...blah blah blah.
Remember, the 2 of you were not close friends, but he did admire you so don't make him feel like a dooooosche bag for asking!

 

[Matt]

Originally Posted by CDFS

I don't know about etiquette but this seems like an offer you can't refuse without it being a slap in the face. Are the other groomsmen frat brahs of yours?
Ya, I kind of agree with this. I'd suck it up and do it. And who knows, maybe the stag'll be fun and the bridesmaids will be hot skanks. If my friends have taught me one thing over the years, it's that the only thing faster than the speed of light is the speed of dark...

 

[JayJay]

I was put in this situation, and went through with it. I didn't want to but felt it wouldn't hurt me to suffer through it. I hated the experience, by the way, but don't really regret doing it.

 

[ter1413]

i would pass....

 

[JayJay]

^^^Yeah, if I had to do it over again, I'd pass. I haven't talked to the dude or his wife since then, and it was many years ago.

 

[ter1413]

Originally Posted by JayJay

^^^Yeah, if I had to do it over again, I'd pass. I haven't talked to the dude or his wife since then, and it was many years ago.

i hear you...if i was the OP, i would politely decline and wish the groom to be luck.

 

[giraffe lookout]

Is this out of town? Do you have to travel to the stag? I think it's much tougher to say no if it is reasonably close to where you live. If you have to travel for this, I think you are have an out but you are going to have to lie and say you have other commitments.

Also, maybe you can just avoid the stag altogether.

 

[LatinStyleLover]

I think the true test of character is doing things that we sometimes would rather not do, but that are important to someone else. That he "always respected [you], looked up to [you], other nice complementary things" suggests you might have been an example to this guy back then without realizing it. How many times have we all seen, as an example, a teacher get nominated for some special award years later by a student she barely remembered, but nonetheless impacted profoundly. The truly selfless thing to do would be to honor his request and make what is a special day for him even more so.

I know there are people I have not seen for years that I greatly admire that probably have no idea, and vice versa. I converse regularly with some of the guys from my former outfit that I served with in Iraq. They communicated up the lines to former commanders of mine that I had done well in my academic studies and was now transferring to a four year university. The commanding general of my unit learned of this and sent me, unsolicited, an amazing letter of recommendation. I had always believed I had served well, but somewhat quietly, and did not realize that my efforts had been noticed by someone of this caliber.

It is an honor to be asked to stand-in as a groomsman, especially if he truly did admire and respect you. He is not a stranger to you, but a "frat brother." That should mean something. I would accept and say that it would be an honor to stand-in, period.

Now, if it is out of state and would place an undue financial burden on you, then certainly that is a reason to decline, but decline in the same way that you were asked.

 

[Harold falcon]

Originally Posted by LatinStyleLover

I think the true test of character is doing things that we sometimes would rather not do, but that are important to someone else. That he "always respected [you], looked up to [you], other nice complementary things" suggests you might have been an example to this guy back then without realizing it. How many times have we all seen, as an example, a teacher get nominated for some special award years later by a student she barely remembered, but nonetheless impacted profoundly. The truly selfless thing to do would be to honor his request and make what is a special day for him even more so.

I know there are people I have not seen for years that I greatly admire that probably have no idea, and vice versa. I converse regularly with some of the guys from my former outfit that I served with in Iraq. They communicated up the lines to former commanders of mine that I had done well in my academic studies and was now transferring to a four year university. The commanding general of my unit learned of this and sent me, unsolicited, an amazing letter of recommendation. I had always believed I had served well, but somewhat quietly, and did not realize that my efforts had been noticed by someone of this caliber.

It is an honor to be asked to stand-in as a groomsman, especially if he truly did admire and respect you. He is not a stranger to you, but a "frat brother." That should mean something. I would accept and say that it would be an honor to stand-in, period.

Now, if it is out of state and would place an undue financial burden on you, then certainly that is a reason to decline, but decline in the same way that you were asked.

Well put.

 

[unjung]

Originally Posted by Matt

Ya, I kind of agree with this. I'd suck it up and do it. And who knows, maybe the stag'll be fun and the bridesmaids will be hot skanks.
Unfortunately based on the bride, this is an utter impossibility.

Originally Posted by giraffe lookout

Is this out of town? Do you have to travel to the stag? I think it's much tougher to say no if it is reasonably close to where you live. If you have to travel for this, I think you are have an out but you are going to have to lie and say you have other commitments. Also, maybe you can just avoid the stag altogether.
It's about two hours away. Not the end of the world. Thanks for the advice. I will give it the weekend to consider. I think it might be best just to do it.

 

[JayJay]

Originally Posted by unjung

I think it might be best just to do it.
This was what I decided when I was faced with the same dilemma. As I mentioned, I didn't regret doing it, although in my case, I really didn't know either one of them that well at all. As I reflect upon it, I believe it was his mom who wanted me to do it. At the time I didn't have anything better to do and it wasn't a great expense. I wouldn't do it now, but it was okay back then.

 

[Saturdays]

Originally Posted by LatinStyleLover

I think the true test of character is doing things that we sometimes would rather not do, but that are important to someone else. That he "always respected [you], looked up to [you], other nice complementary things" suggests you might have been an example to this guy back then without realizing it. How many times have we all seen, as an example, a teacher get nominated for some special award years later by a student she barely remembered, but nonetheless impacted profoundly. The truly selfless thing to do would be to honor his request and make what is a special day for him even more so.

I know there are people I have not seen for years that I greatly admire that probably have no idea, and vice versa. I converse regularly with some of the guys from my former outfit that I served with in Iraq. They communicated up the lines to former commanders of mine that I had done well in my academic studies and was now transferring to a four year university. The commanding general of my unit learned of this and sent me, unsolicited, an amazing letter of recommendation. I had always believed I had served well, but somewhat quietly, and did not realize that my efforts had been noticed by someone of this caliber.

It is an honor to be asked to stand-in as a groomsman, especially if he truly did admire and respect you. He is not a stranger to you, but a "frat brother." That should mean something. I would accept and say that it would be an honor to stand-in, period.

Now, if it is out of state and would place an undue financial burden on you, then certainly that is a reason to decline, but decline in the same way that you were asked.

This is great advice!