ADD. Existence? Effect on relationships?

[scientific]

alright this is a two part question. maybe wrong forum for this emo stuff but here goes ...

part1: What are your thoughts on ADD? is it pure feel-good victimocracy BS or a real illness? i've always been inclined to the former, but i'm beginning to question whether it's for realz.

part 2: mostly been thinking about this because of issues with the GF. when i'm not wasting time on SF, i'm a hard-working, high-achieving, possibly micro-managing type. GF is very, very smart but not the high-achieving type. i've always attributed this to some combination of laziness, different worldview, and being female. but lately i've realized she has extraordinary difficulty focusing on even simple tasks that she needs to accomplish.

this has been causing enormous tension for me lately, as our fates are linked for the time being, and I have to constantly observe, endure, and empathize (which I can't) with her failure to meet basic obligations. i already lead a stressful life, and unnecessary stress from someone else's procrastination is not something i need. so, I'm questioning the viability of this LTR. i do not want to end up in a similar situation to SirGrotius down the road.

recognizing that i may be part of the problem - i've tried just not caring / tough love approach but it didnt produce results - my question is this: is it possible for a high achiever to coexist with a non achiever?

 

[tagutcow]

Originally Posted by scientific

alright this is a two part question. maybe wrong forum for this emo stuff but here goes ...

part1: What are your thoughts on ADD? is it pure feel-good victimocracy BS or a real illness? i've always been inclined to the former, but i'm beginning to question whether it's for realz.

part 2: mostly been thinking about this because of issues with the GF. when i'm not wasting time on SF, i'm a hard-working, high-achieving, possibly micro-managing type. GF is very, very smart but not the high-achieving type. i've always attributed this to some combination of laziness, different worldview, and being female. but lately i've realized she has extraordinary difficulty focusing on even simple tasks that she needs to accomplish.

this has been causing enormous tension for me lately, as our fates are linked for the time being, and I have to constantly observe, endure, and empathize (which I can't) with her failure to meet basic obligations. i already lead a stressful life, and unnecessary stress from someone else's procrastination is not something i need. so, I'm questioning the viability of this LTR. i do not want to end up in a similar situation to SirGrotius down the road.

recognizing that i may be part of the problem - i've tried just not caring / tough love approach but it didnt produce results - my question is this: is it possible for a high achiever to coexist with a non achiever?

Of course it's possible for a domineering micro-manager and a mercurial free spirit to coexist. For reference, seek out the complete two-season DVD set of "My Sister Sam". Watch and learn.

 

[Gingahbman]

DD/ADHD is real. I grew up with some kids who had to take their medicine or they were literally bouncing off the walls

.

That being said, I think a lot of people also claim to have it, when they don't. As for your last part (Is it possible for a high achiever to coexist with a non-achiever), normally I'd say yes, but in your situation it sounds like you've already made a decision.

 

[Saltricks]

Are her failings on her own endeavors or do they encroach on your own? I think for a relationship to work you need the achiever and the supporter. Just as every director needs an AD, every general needs a lieutenant, every chef needs a sous chef...you need someone who can make it easier to do what you need to do to become successful.

 

[scientific]

ok now that my stress has subsided a bit i have a bit more perspective. i guess the non achieving part is mostly OK with me. when we met she had a more carefree lifestyle and that was fine.

i guess the problems started when she tried to go on a more achieving path. maybe i encouraged that. since then the procrastination etc has taken its toll because i want to see her succeed.

maybe if she goes back to the carefree style it will be best for us both. i just wonder if this ADD stuff is real and if treating it in some way could help her.

 

[Mr. White]

..

 

[Matt]

real but massively over diagnosed.

 

[scientific]

Originally Posted by tagutcow

Of course it's possible for a domineering micro-manager and a mercurial free spirit to coexist. For reference, seek out the complete two-season DVD set of "My Sister Sam". Watch and learn.

can you rephrase in terms of Jersey Shore? 80s sitcoms are lost on me

Originally Posted by Gingahbman

That being said, I think a lot of people also claim to have it, when they don't. As for your last part (Is it possible for a high achiever to coexist with a non-achiever), normally I'd say yes, but in your situation it sounds like you've already made a decision.

i have always chalked up most claims to poor discipline. however this weekend provided really stark evidence of our difference in ability to focus, which got me thinking. no decision made just trying to think things through

Originally Posted by Saltricks

Are her failings on her own endeavors or do they encroach on your own?

her own for now although they could impact me down the road. mostly watching her struggle with lack of focus and incur seemingly needless pain is painful to me. also concerned about how these issues could evolve in marriage, etc

 

[HgaleK]

My little bro was experiencing suidical thoughts in third grade because of the impact that ADHD was having on his life. He couldn't focus at all, he couldn't sit still, was put in to remedial classes because the school thought he was slow, the teachers didn't like him, the other kids hated him because of his behavior in class, and he couldn't figure out what was wrong with himself or how to fix it. My mom was against ADHD meds until he started talking about about ending it all. The meds were life changing for him. He's grown out of it a lot to the point that he's fine without the meds, but there's no doubt that it was there.

part 2: mostly been thinking about this because of issues with the GF. when i'm not wasting time on SF, i'm a hard-working, high-achieving, possibly micro-managing type. GF is very, very smart but not the high-achieving type. i've always attributed this to some combination of laziness, different worldview, and being female. but lately i've realized she has extraordinary difficulty focusing on even simple tasks that she needs to accomplish.

Your girlfriend sounds a bit like me. I have a really hard time getting to the little things, or focusing on a single task. I've always considered that laziness. I'm a hard worker when I'm actually doing something. Put me in a lab and I'll destroy, or on a construction site and I'll work 60 hours weeks and be happy, but the little things get me.

I'm also not the high achieving type in the sense of putting out of a ton of effort towards tasks that I don't enjoy. Sometimes **** just has to be done, but otherwise I've always BSd my way through life. It works. I don't see why people stress when you get similar results by saying the right things to the right people and then winging it when you get there. Additionally, I've seen success from both sides. I've seen some happy people with very little money, and I've grown up in a family, and around a bunch of people who have a **** load of money but are miserable. My idea of success is doing what it takes to maximize happiness while still having your ass covered in case things go wrong. For some people that takes a few million dollars, while others are able to put away a sizeable amount for rough times while living a life they love at only 50k. Maybe your GF has different goals than you.

 

[MrG]

As someone with pretty severe ADD. (I was diagnosed years ago, and I always score really high on those diagnostic tests), I can confirm that it's very real.

That said, laziness, and procrastination are also very real, and so are varying desires on life's ambition. This is not the same as ADD.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend simply doesn't have the motivation to be like you, and there's nothing wrong with that. Different people want different things out of life. Not everyone wants to be super successful. That said, it may also be that she's just lazy.

My guess is that your girlfriend just isn't like you, and you've decided that your way is a good way. Rather than deal with the fact that she's chosen to live in a different manner than you have, you've decided to find something "wrong" with her that would explain her lack of motivation.

 

[Douglas]

Originally Posted by Matt

real but massively over diagnosed.

yep

 

[in stitches]

Originally Posted by Matt

real but massively over diagnosed.

true

def real though.

i used to tutor a kid who literally could not pay attention for one second. he would pick his nose and watch the slimey booger glisten in the sun. he fidgeted in his seat couldnt remember anything, barely passed his classes if at all....

parents put him on the meds, we continued learning, within weeks he was getting straight A's and listenening to everything i was saying

as for you and you girl. my wife is a very get things done be productive achiever, and im a lazy ****. we have a wonderful marriage of almost 10 years. we accept our differences and love eachother for much deeper and more important reasons.

 

[StephenHero]

Isn't ADD a bit like ugliness in that there isn't really a pathological threshold where a person suddenly has ADD? Isn't it just a matter of degrees in the number of abnormal neurological characteristics?

 

[HgaleK]

Originally Posted by StephenHero

Isn't ADD a bit like ugliness in that there isn't really a pathological threshold where a person suddenly has ADD? Isn't it just a matter of degrees in the number of abnormal neurological characteristics?

Yup. It makes it easy to bullshit ADHD. One of my buddies makes almost 5k a year off of a scrip for super severe ADHD that he doesn't have. Another one got it just for parties and tests. I was offered a prescription after being sent to a psychiatrist by a counselor who I told I was having a hard time getting motivated for classes that don't apply to anything I have any interest in or will ever use.

 

[acidboy]

Originally Posted by tagutcow

Of course it's possible for a domineering micro-manager and a mercurial free spirit to coexist. For reference, seek out the complete two-season DVD set of "My Sister Sam". Watch and learn.

see also: "dharma and greg". (of course as with all hollywood products that promote the laid back, passive attitude, what usually happens is the serious achiever will find himself realizing that life isn't all about achievements and personal victories. its also about kittens, wearing hawaiian shirts and finding it alright to be made fun of.

Originally Posted by Matt

real but massively over diagnosed.

Originally Posted by in stitches

true

def real though.

i used to tutor a kid who literally could not pay attention for one second. he would pick his nose and watch the slimey booger glisten in the sun. he fidgeted in his seat couldnt remember anything, barely passed his classes if at all....

parents put him on the meds, we continued learning, within weeks he was getting straight A's and listenening to everything i was saying

as for you and you girl. my wife is a very get things done be productive achiever, and im a lazy ****. we have a wonderful marriage of almost 10 years. we accept our differences and love eachother for much deeper and more important reasons.

I know a kid who seems to have this. kid couldn't sit still for a minute except if he's watching tv or playing on his psp. I got to observe how the dad tutored him and this kid just literally stares right through the dad. and at 9 years old the kid still wets his bed. what's really ****** is the mom seems to be in denial and still thinks he's just a bit "slow" and refuses to seek professional help.