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aargh best man speech

chrysalid

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got to write a best man speech for a wedding this coming sunday, aiming for more than five minutes and less than ten. i have known him since we were four or five i suppose, and as he is a fairly staid individual, i can not think of one funny story - he rarely gets drunk and does stupid things, works in IT and is generally just straight down the line.

unfortunately the only really funny thing about him is his humorous inability to deal with any kind of public humiliation, hence negating the best man speeches main job of humiliating the groom publicly in a humouros way, if you get my drift.

any help would be greatly appreciated.
 

mrpologuy

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I got a lot of great help on here when I had tog ive a best man speech last year. I would keep it from 1-3 minutes. 5 is way too long. Do not have a few drinks to loosen up. You will sound drunk if you do. Keep it clean at all times. Make sure you have a story that everyone can relate and not just you and the groom. There is a ton of info on the wb about what goes into a toast. When I gave mine I talked about the qualities that both of them had and how I know they would be good for each other. I also joked how this was the only thing he was ever on time for. Post your ideas here and we will give you feedback. Good luck!!!
 

mrpologuy

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Just don't make it like George's toast from Seinfeld and you should be ok.

George enters wearing a very small tuxedo.

GEORGE: What, are you locking the door now?
JERRY: Well, well, look at you. It¹s a little skimpy there isn't it?
GEORGE: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I
made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
JERRY: Ooo, that was a bad toast.
GEORGE: It wasn't that bad.
JERRY: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
GEORGE: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
JERRY: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red
Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were
just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the
worst all time toasts.
GEORGE: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he
could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!
 

modsquad

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So easy. Just make fun of his blandness. Address the seeming impossibility that he ever would have stood out enough for a woman as dazzling as the bride to notice him, enumerate the miraculous qualities he has that brought him to her attention and make him a man among men despite all appearances to the contrary, and finesse his embarassment at all the attention by mentioning it and saying that you trust he is not so self conscious as to find his wedding night capabilities diminished or extinguished. Add that, on second thought, given the bride's beauty there is nothing to worry about, even if she has a face like a bulldog's ass and an odor to match.

Stretch all this out, of course. Exaggerate both his ordinariness and his extraordinariness. Improve a couple of real-life examples of the former for entertainment purposes and slather on the leering when you bring up the wedding night.

I'll write the whole thing for you for a 7-fold tie and a matching pair of cashmere socks.
 

chrysalid

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ah that sounds like it might be pretty good ^ - i'll work on the idea of beauty and the bland. cheers.

i don't even know what a seven fold tie is, but i will be wearing a rented gold cravat for the big day
 

DNW

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Originally Posted by chrysalid
i don't even know what a seven fold tie is, but i will be wearing a rented gold cravat for the big day


Ha, make fun of that. The cheap bastard couldn't even afford to get you guys a dedent color tie.


My brother's wedding is coming up at the end of the year, I'll have to make one myself pretty soon.
 

Mentos

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Yeah, focus on the fact that what makes him a great guy is his consistency, practicality, etc., and that she adds the pizazz (sp). I probably wouldn't use the phrase "bulldog's ass." As long as you don't offend, and end it with "This is a great couple and we're so happy for them, and we'll support them forever," you'll be fine.
 

chrysalid

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cheers for the help folks, i've gone for a bit of gentle ribbing tempered with respect at him pulling such a great girl and some self-deprecation. this is seasoned with a couple of mild double-entendres and two lightly homourous anecdotes from his distant (well before the bride) past, and of course the obligatory props to both families. levels off at about 5 mins i think. all go on sunday so i'll let you know how it went. from a discussion point of view it will be much more fun if i totally fuck it up, here's hoping i don't.
 

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