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Your favorite Jokes?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Soph, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. X-It

    X-It Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy. After they have been flying together in silence for a while, the rabbi leans over and says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl Harbor."

    The Korean looks shocked and replies, "What the hell are you talking about?!?!? It was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbor, not the Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!"

    The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"

    A little while later, the Korean man says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Jews for sinking the Titanic." The rabbi looks confused and mad and says, "What are you talking about? The Jews didn't have anything to do with that! An iceberg sank the Titanic!"

    The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, what's the difference?"
     
  2. West24

    West24 Well-Known Member

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    guy rubs a lamp and a genie comes out. he gets one wish.
    he wishes to be able to piss votka. bam, he gets his wish.
    goes home after work, takes out two glasses and pours a glass for him and his wife. next day he comes home from work, does the same thing, calls his wife over and takes two glasses out.
    next day again he comes home from work, calls his wife over, but only takes out one cup. his wife looks at him, his says, honey, tonight your drinkin from the bottle!
     
  3. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Virginia, USA
    One day Will Smith and his Korean friend went to a Korean restaurant.
    The Korean guy ordered rice with kimchi chigae. Will Smith didn't know what to get, so he said to come back later. The Korean guy went to the bathroom after he ordered.
    Then the waiter came to Will Smith and asked him what he would like to order. Will Smith said, "yea I want a bowl of rice."
    The waiter then asked, "what would you like with that?" and Will Smith said, "yea... I want chigae with it" so when the friend got back he asked what Will Smith got with his bowl of rice and Will Smith said "gettin' chigae with it"
     
  4. West24

    West24 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    wow jinda im sure the girls love your jokes!


    a guy rubs a lamp and a genie comes out. he says ill give you one wish. the guys says alright, i want to be hung like a ni$$er. the genie says are you sure? the guys like yea thats what i want. genie says alright and grants his wish. few days go by and nothing happens. the guys gettin pissed, all of a sudden he gets a knock on his door. theres about 100 skinheads, kkk, etc with pitchforks, shovels. the guys like wtf is going on, the genie appears and he said hey, you said you wanted to be hung like a ni$$er.
     
  5. amerikajinda

    amerikajinda Well-Known Member

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    wow jinda im sure the girls love your jokes!
    kind of, I guess [​IMG] Three Italian nuns o to heaven, and God says, "You've been so amazing, I'm going to send you back as anyone you want." Nun No. 1 says, "I want to go back as Brigitte Bardot." God says, "Granted," and sends her back to earth. Nun No. 2 says, "I want to go back as Gina Lollobrigida." And God says, "Have a great time," and sends her back down. The third nun says, "I want to go back as Sahara Pip-a-leeni!" And God says, "Who's that?" And she pulls out a newspaper that reads, "Sahara Pipeline Line Laid by 230 Men."
     
  6. appolyon

    appolyon Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Melbourne
    What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?


    A quarter pounder with cheese!
     
  7. tiecollector

    tiecollector Well-Known Member

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    kind of, I guess [​IMG]

    Three Italian nuns o to heaven, and God says, "You've been so amazing, I'm going to send you back as anyone you want." Nun No. 1 says, "I want to go back as Brigitte Bardot." God says, "Granted," and sends her back to earth. Nun No. 2 says, "I want to go back as Gina Lollobrigida." And God says, "Have a great time," and sends her back down. The third nun says, "I want to go back as Sahara Pip-a-leeni!" And God says, "Who's that?" And she pulls out a newspaper that reads, "Sahara Pipeline Line Laid by 230 Men."


    This one is actually pretty good.
     
  8. Fulcannelli

    Fulcannelli Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Mar 4, 2008
    I wonder how many will get this:

    Why did the lion get lost?
    ..
    .
    Because Jungle is massive.

    [​IMG]

    what are you if you eat you mum and dad
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    a cannabal
     
  9. X-It

    X-It Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

    Telegram
    Telephone
    Tell a woman

    Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.

    ------------

    When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
    My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
    However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
     
  10. X-It

    X-It Well-Known Member

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    Amerikajinda is 38 years old and he is still single.

    One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

    Amerikajinda replied, "Actually, I've found many beautiful East Asian women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

    His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

    A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

    With a frown on his face, Amerikajinda answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

    The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

    Amerikajinda replied, "My father doesn't like her."

    [​IMG]
     
  11. Connemara

    Connemara Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Mar 9, 2006
    Q: What do you call a Michigan grad with a national championship ring?

    A: A thief!
     
  12. Schnurretiger

    Schnurretiger Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Germany
    Just a very quick and crude translation from a German joke I pretty like at the moment:

    The first lecture of the semester in medical school. The professor tells the students that they are going to learn a lot of things over the next couple of years. They're going to learn the two most important things right now, in the lecture. First, they have to overcome their aversion to dead people and the professor uncovers a dead body. "You see, there's nothing to worry about! It's all quite natural." The students are disgusted, when he sticks his forefinger into the dead man's rear end, pulls his finger out again, puts it into his mouth and licks it off. "And now it's your turn!" All the students have to walk up to the corpse, stick their fingers into his butt and lick their fingers. When all students are done, the professor says: "Very well done, you've overcome your disgust of dead people. That's one of the two most important things you have to learn. The other thing is, that you have to learn to pay attention. Whereas I shoved my forefinger up his ass, you could have noticed that I licked off my middle finger...."
     
  13. remn

    remn Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Jan 20, 2007
    Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?



    A: When they come, they come loud and hard. But when they leave, they take your house and car with them.
     
  14. denning

    denning Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Canada
    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken rolls over, sighs, grabs a cigarette, lights it, inhales and slowly starts to exhale the smoke. He looks over to the egg and says,
    "Well, I guess that answers that question."
     
  15. X-It

    X-It Well-Known Member

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    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    Driving styles


    One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window

    - Sydney

    One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn

    - Japan

    One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator

    - Boston

    Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror

    - New York

    Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat

    - Italy

    One hand on horn,
    one hand greeting,
    one ear on cell phone,
    one ear listening to loud music,
    foot on accelerator,
    eyes on female pedestrians,
    conversation with someone in next car

    - "Welcome to India!"
     
  16. X-It

    X-It Well-Known Member

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    Breda (Noord-Brabant) Nederland
    A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."
     
  17. EnglishGent

    EnglishGent Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Somewhere in my own mind
    A man and his beautiful blond wife are talking at the breakfast table about what to get the mail man as a retirement gift.

    Later the mail man arrives and the blond takes him into the house, takes both their clothes off and gives him the best sex of his entire life. She then stands up gets dressed and hands him $10.

    "I don't get it" said the mail man, "I've delivered here for 5 years and you've never done that." The blond goes on to explain that she asked her husband what she should give him for retirement and her husband said "Fuck him, give him $10"
     
  18. EnglishGent

    EnglishGent Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Somewhere in my own mind
    A young boy walks into a whore house, dragging a dead cat behind him, puts a jar of coins on the counter and says to the madam "I want the dirtiest most disease ridden whore you have". The madam directs him to a room and the boy walks off in the direction indicated.

    A short time later the boy walks back, still dragging the dead cat behind him. "I'm curious about the cat and the disease ridden whore" says the madam. So the boy tells his story, "when I get home I'm going to fuck the baby sitter. When my parents get back, my dad will drive her home and fuck her. When dad gets back he'll fuck mom. Tomorrow mom will fuck the mail man and he's the bastard that ran over my cat."
     
  19. Mauby

    Mauby Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Chicago, IL USA
    Poor Al works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says,
    "Hey, Al! How ya doin?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

    "Oh no," says Al. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Al if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

    "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Al, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Al, want your usual table dance, big boy?" Al's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Al follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumped in beside her. Al tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

    The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Al, you picked up a real bitch this time!"




    (Yeah, I've posted this before...but it is my favorite)
     
  20. nootje

    nootje Well-Known Member

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    Netherlands
    knock knock

    who's there?

    It's Barri

    Barri who?

    Barri Cade, im putting the weekend on your doorstep!
     

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