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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. Matt

    Matt Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    11,179
    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2005
    Location:
    Sunny Saigon
    so this guy, he hasnt been laid in a while, starts to consider his options.

    He had heard of a house-of-ill-repute in the neighbourhood, and one night just figured 'what the hell, give it a shot'.

    So he heads over, walks in, and is greeted by a gorgeous hooker who takes him out the back. He says 'I'm a little nervous...how about I just get a handjob'. Hooker says 'that's fine honey, I charge $500 for handjobs.' '$500? WTF? I can do that myself for free!'

    Hooker walks him over to the window, opens the curtains and points at a gas station just downstairs. "See that gas station? I own it. I bought it with money from my handjobs...."

    Dude figures that if she can buy a whole gas station with her wristwork, then it must be worth a shot. In he goes, and she doesnt disappoint. Best.Handjob.Ever. Couldnt have done better himself if he had three hands...and gladly pays up the $500.

    All week he cant stop thinking about it...cant match it himself...figures 'I gotta get some more of this'. Back to the knockshop..."this time I would like to try a blowjob"..."sure honey, but I charge $1500 for the mouthwork"...once again he objects to the price tag, and this time she leads him to another window, points outside to a boutique hotel across the street.

    "See that hotel? I own it. I bought it with money from my blowjobs...."

    He thinks back to the week before and the handjob and figures 'yup, she was right'...down she goes, and once again, does not disappoint. Best.Blowjob.Ever.

    Pays up, and is leaving, and then turns around and says 'no way, Ive gotta fuck you...I dont care what it costs, but after the handjob and the blowjob, Ive gotta feel this pussy'.

    She laughs, takes him over to the other window, points to a group of huge casinos on the skyline and says 'honey, if I had a pussy, Id own those casinos'
     
  2. Gewehr

    Gewehr Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    124
    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2007
    Classic Affairs:


    The 1st Affair:

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
    One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, hey fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
    "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


    The 2nd Affair:

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
    The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


    The 3rd Affair:

    A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
    "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!"


    The 4th Affair:

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don ' t move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
    "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
    Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
    "Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


    The 5th Affair:

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
    "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
    "One Cent?" the man thought.
    He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
    "A nickel," the barman replied.
    "A nickel?" exclaimed d the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
    The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
    The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
    The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
     
  3. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,
    a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on
    a bench in a mental institution.

    "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
    "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture
    it," says the sadist.
    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and
    then kill it," shouted the murderer.
    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it
    and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,
    have sex with it again and then burn it," said
    the pyromaniac.

    There was silence, and then the masochist
    said: "Meow."
     
  4. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter.

    In his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of a coded message:

    370H-SSV-0773H

    Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

    Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
     
  5. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
    A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    Q. What's the height of conceit?
    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    Q. What's the definition of macho?
    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

    Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

    Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
    A. Because it's worth it!

    Q. What is a Yankee?
    A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    A. Their balls are just for decoration.

    Q. What is the difference between " ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"?
    A. About three inches.

    Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
    A. For traction in the mud.

    Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
    A. The grip.

    Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard.

    Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

    Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 pounds.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
    A. The swallow.

    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A. They don't have balls to scratch!
     
  6. GoSurface

    GoSurface Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    8,488
    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2007
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    Why did the blond have sex with the Mexican guy?

    Because her teacher told her to do an essay.
     
  7. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.

    As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

    Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

    The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

    'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

    'Your turn,' says the man.

    'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
     
  8. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.

    The mechanical engineer said, "I think the fan belt broke."

    The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting fuel."

    The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."

    All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

    He said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
     
  9. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    2 Old Gals

    Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Maude: What in the hell is that?

    Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Maude: Where did you get it?

    Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
     
  10. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    33,650
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Location:
    Chicago
    The Haircut
    One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

    When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to o pen up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

    Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. " The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

    Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
     
  11. Master-Classter

    Master-Classter Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    8,463
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2007
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    And the all-time best stupid joke, guaranteed.

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    .


    .


    .


    .


    .


    .


    It was dead.


    Know why the second monkey fell out of the tree?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    It was stuck to the first monkey.

    Know why the third monkey fell out of the tree?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Peer Pressure
     
  12. Master-Classter

    Master-Classter Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    8,463
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2007
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    More Michael Jackson Jokes...

    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
    One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries.

    How do you know it's time for bed at the Jackson household?
    When the big hand touches the little hand.
     
  13. 4Mica

    4Mica Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    526
    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2004
    Location:
    Las Vegas, NV
    More Michael Jackson Jokes...

    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
    One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries.

    How do you know it's time for bed at the Jackson household?
    When the big hand touches the little hand.


    Why does Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds.

    Because there are twenty of them.[​IMG]
     
  14. onion

    onion Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,063
    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    An old man walks into a doctor's office to get a yearly physical. They run some test and the doctor walks back into the room and says "Sir, I've got some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's."

    The old man then said to the doctor "Well thank God I don't have cancer!"

    ______________________________

    A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the clerk who is an old feeble woman. He says "Hi I'm here to open a fucking bank account."

    The woman responds "There is no need for that kind of language at a bank."
    The man says "Well I just want to open a fucking bank account."
    She replies "Look if you keep using bad language I'll call my manager over here."
    He says back to her "You're going to get your manager just because I said I want to ope na fucking bank account?"
    The woman gets angry and storms off to get the manager.

    The manager comes over and says "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
    The man says "I just want to open a fucking bank account........... for 500,000 dollars."
    The bank manager responds "Oh I'm sorry is this old cunt giving you a problem?"
     
  15. Master-Classter

    Master-Classter Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    8,463
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2007
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    love it.


    Qu: What's yellow and smells like green paint?

    A: Yellow paint.



    (some people don't get my humour)

    What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Getting hit by a bus
     
  16. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    33,650
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Location:
    Chicago
    IRISH LOVE STORY


    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering

    the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma

    of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.



    He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

    from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

    out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the

    railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.



    With labored breath, he leaned against the

    door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's

    agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for

    there, spread out upon the kitchen table were

    literally hundreds of his favorite scones.



    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

    devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left

    this world a happy man?



    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

    towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

    His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the

    edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

    with a wooden spoon ......



    Fuck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
     
  17. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,166
    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2006
    Location:
    Zurich, Switzerland
    A man and a woman -- a good looking redhead -- found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the woman reached up and tapped on the upper bunk.

    "I'm terribly sorry to wake you, sir, but I'm awfully cold. Could you pop over to the closet and get me another blanket?"

    "I have a another idea," he replied. "Just for tonight, would you like to pretend we're married?"

    "Wow! That's a great idea!" she giggled.

    "Good," he replied, turning back over. "Get your own damned blanket."
     
  18. Earthmover

    Earthmover Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    586
    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2005
    Location:
    Upper West Side
    (some people don't get my humour)

    What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Getting hit by a bus


    the usual punchline i get is "the holocaust", but it's still a great zinger.
     
  19. Britalian

    Britalian Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,652
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Location:
    Italy.
    Subject: 5 minute management course



    Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'


    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.


    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

    'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

    'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'



    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



    Lesson 2:


    A priest offered a Nun a lift.

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
    Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

    Puff! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4


    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
    The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




    Lesson 5

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


    Moral of the story:
    Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



    Lesson 6


    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your
    friend.

    (3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
    your mouth shut!


    THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
     
  20. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    33,650
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Location:
    Chicago
    [​IMG] Brit that's pretty damn funny.
     

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