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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. Brian SD

    Brian SD Well-Known Member

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    Here's an offensive one:

    what do michael jackson and caviar(sp?) have in common?







    they both come on little white crackers.
     
  2. hopkins_student

    hopkins_student Well-Known Member

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    Wow, what a great way to revive this thread. I'll get a lot of mileage out of that one.
     
  3. T4phage

    T4phage Well-Known Member

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    sage
    The Geography of a Woman: - Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. - Between the ages of 21-30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars. - Between the ages of 30-35 a woman is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of it's own beauty. - Between the ages of 35-40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. - Between the ages of 40-50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. - Between the ages of 50-60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. - Between the ages of 60-70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future. - After 70 she is like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there. Geography of a man Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
     
  4. shoreman1782

    shoreman1782 Well-Known Member

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    Probably longer than its worth. This version plagiarized from Ted Leo:

    A guy dies and goes up to heaven. St. Peter is giving him the grand tour of the Grounds, and he says, "So, what were you into back on earth? Like, what were your hobbies and shit?" And the guy says, "Well, I was a musician." So St. Peter says, "Oh Jeez -- well come on. You know what they say about how Heaven must have one Hell of a band and all that -- this is the place for YOU, my brother. As a matter of fact, there's a show about to get underway down at the Celestial Auditorium. You wanna check it out?" Guy: "Hullz yeah." St. P.: "Well let's get it awn."
    So they go down to the Celestial Auditorium, and the guy's jaw immediately drops to the floor -- on stage, starting the show is someone playing the most rippingest version of the "Star Spangled Banner" ever, and the dead guys is like, "Oh my Gawd. It's Jimmy Hendrix." And St. Pete is all, "Totally. Here come the drums -- check it..." And he hears, like, DUH-DUH-BAP. DUH-DUH-DUH-BAP. And he realizes, "Holy schniekies -- it's friggin' Bonham." And Saint Pete's playin' it cool, but he's like, "Yup. But wait for it... Now dig the bass." Ding-diggaddy-ding-diggaddy-ding-diggaddy-ding-ding-doomb.. "No way -- it's The Ox. John Entwistle -- he's my favorite.." Then the singer comes out and starts belting, "eeeeyah-hooooooo-hoo-hoo-hoooooo. Hoooo-ho-ho-ho." And the dead guy is really puzzled because it's obviously Bono, so he turns to St. Peter and says, "But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute -- Bono's not dead, is he?" And St. Peter sighs and says, "No no no -- that's Jesus -- he just thinks he's Bono."
     
  5. Brian SD

    Brian SD Well-Known Member

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    Oh my, that's a great one Shoreman [​IMG]
     
  6. davis98

    davis98 Member

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    Whats the best part about having sex with a pregnant chick?











    You get head at the same time

    Kinda disturbing but funny none the less
     
  7. matadorpoeta

    matadorpoeta Well-Known Member

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    this is a long one but i can't sleep so here it goes. it was originally told to me by a girl, in spanish, but i think the humor is universal:

    there's this guy with 3 girlfriends, and one day he decides that he wants to get married, but he can't decide which of the girls he wants. so he decides to give each of them $10k and see what they do with the money.

    he goes to the first gf and gives her the money. she goes shopping and buys herself a dress, make-up, jewelry, she has her hair done, etc... then she goes back to him and says, "my love, i've made myself beautiful for you because i love you so much and i want to give you pleasure. let us to be happy together."

    he goes to the second gf and gives her the money. she goes shopping and buys him a watch, some ties, some liquor, and cigars, etc... then she goes back to him and says, "my love, i've brought you these things because all i want is to make you happy. i put you before everything else."

    he goes to the third gf and gives her the money. she invests the money in the stock market and it triples overnight so she cashes in some of the stocks and returns to the man with $10k. she then says, "my love here is your $10k back, we now have $10k worth of stock and $10k in the bank. with this money we can build our future together. all i want is for us to be happy."

    so the man goes home and ponders his decision. after weighing the pros and cons of the situations and after much soul searching and deep thought he comes to a conclusion.

    so which one did he pick?








    the one with the best ass... because that's the way men are.
     
  8. SmartDresser

    SmartDresser Well-Known Member

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    San Francisco
    If Wal-Mart is cutting prices everyday, why is nothing free yet?
     
  9. Carlo

    Carlo Well-Known Member

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    Where in America can you see 100 white men chasing a black man without it causing any claims of racism?



























    ...The Masters
     
  10. Tokyo Slim

    Tokyo Slim Well-Known Member

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    Where Eagles Dare!
    I was gonna say The Boston Marathon. [​IMG]
     
  11. Carlo

    Carlo Well-Known Member

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    Thank you, I finally figured out the real reason for the less than stellar performance of the French armed services over the past 100 years or so:

    Supply Sargeant: "Here, put this on"
    French Soldier: "Are you kidding? Brown and green? Is for FARMER....."
     
  12. Concordia

    Concordia Well-Known Member

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    A hobo was talking about his adventures to a buddy.

    "Yeah, just last week, me and another guy were walking along the train tracks, and we saw a naked woman tied to the rails."

    "Whoa-- so what did you do?"

    "Well naturally, we untied her. Then we screwed the **** out of her."

    "Excellent. You get a blow job, too?"

    "Funny thing about that. We never did find the head."
     
  13. Lindsay

    Lindsay Well-Known Member

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    Apr 21, 2005
    Location:
    Tulsa
    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana
    recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

    "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

    "Pet fish?"

    "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

    "That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that."

    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

    "Okay, I've GOT to see this."

    The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

    "Well, what?" said the Cajun.

    "When are you going to call them back?"

    "Call who back?"

    "The FISH."

    "What fish?"

    We in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but we aren't as dumb as most.
     
  14. Carlo

    Carlo Well-Known Member

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    Lindsay: [​IMG] A game warden noticed that for two straight weeks every boat was coming into the dock with a light catch if any... except for two old cajuns who were consistantly coming in with a cooler filled with fish. Suspicious, he asked to join them the next morning. After cruising out wayyyyyyy into the lake they cut the engine. The game warden began to bait his line as the old cajuns laughed at him. One old man pulls a stick of dynamite out, lights it and tosses it as far as he can. After the explosion they cruise over and net out their 'catch'. The game warden shakes his head and says "Dangit fellas, you know good and damned well that I have to arrest you for dynamitin' them fish, right?" One old man gives the other a knowing smile, lights another stick of dynamite, hands it to the game warden and says "Son, you wanna sit here and talk or are you gonna fish?"
     
  15. marc37

    marc37 Well-Known Member

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    This joke thread is a joke. Written jokes never come across as good as a verbal joke. Lets retire this thread please. From: the shooman. [​IMG]
     
  16. faustian bargain

    faustian bargain Well-Known Member

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    i reckon it's the coriolus effect messing up the jokes for you.
     
  17. norcaltransplant

    norcaltransplant Well-Known Member

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    More tasteless Michael Jackson...

    What's in common between Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart?









    Boy's pants half off.
    (courtesy of my buddy's GF)
     
  18. Huntsman

    Huntsman Well-Known Member

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    'Course they don't. But of course that's missing the point -- read it here, tell your friends, promote the grand tradition of storytelling. All that jazz. Actually the Michelle joke has worked very well for me -- it is so lame everyone laughs. :) Regards, Huntsman edit: To fix misdirected sentence
     
  19. whnay.

    whnay. Well-Known Member

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    Ok here is goes...

    Three guys die basically at the sametime only to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter is standing outside. He walks over to them with a distraught look on his face and announces.

    "Unfortunately, Heaven is near its capacity at the moment and therefore I can only let one of you guys in."

    The guys look at St. Peter and then at the guy standing next to them and ask.

    "Well, how are you going to determine which one of us gets to get in?"

    "Here's the deal," says Peter, "I'll let in the guy that has died in the worst way. Lets start with you." As St. Pete points to a guy in a biking suit.

    "So there I was riding my new exercise bike on the balcony of my condo and all of the sudden one of the springs pops and sends me flying off the balcony. Next thing I know I'm falling but manage somehow to grab hold of the balcony some three stories down from me. As I'm holding on screaming for help a man in a suit comes to the balcony, and steps on my hands. Naturally I fall to the ground but figure I've only broken a couple of bones in the process. Next thing I know, I look up and a fridge is making its way toward me. Before I can hobble out of the way it hits me and I die."

    "God, how awful," proclaims St. Pete, "that story is going to be hard to top. Sir, how about you?" As St. Pete points to a man in a suit.

    "Well I'll tell you what happened. So I decide to surprise my wife and come home early. As I enter the house I hear quite a commotion in the bedroom, she's screwing another GUY... So I make some noise and I hear someone scuttle around heading for the balcony. I follow, only to find the bastard hanging from the balcony screaming at my wife for her to help. Hit by a sudden blind rage I stomp on his hands and watch as he spirals to the ground. As he hits I notice that he is still alive, not having any of that I walk into the kitchen, pick up the fridge and hoist it over my head. As I begin to throw it down I loose my balance and drop 5 stories to my death."

    "Holy smokes," exclaims Peter, "I think we have a winner. Congrats, your in."

    "Um excuse me, excuse me," murmurs a man shivering naked, "don't I get to tell my story."

    "Well, sure go ahead, but I don't have all day."

    "Come closer please." As the naked man motions to St. Pete

    "Ok, what is it?"

    "So I'm in this refrigerator...."
     
  20. hopkins_student

    hopkins_student Well-Known Member

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    Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."



    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

    You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."



    The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"



    The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it."
     

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