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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. nerazzurri

    nerazzurri Well-Known Member

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  2. Master Milano

    Master Milano Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    New York City
    One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

    After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

    William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

    Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

    William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

    "Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

    His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
     
  3. GusW

    GusW Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Sep 18, 2007
    LERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
     
  4. mordecai

    mordecai Well-Known Member

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    Mama's little baby loves shortening bre
     
  5. BenHei

    BenHei Member

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    My Swiss:

    A german guy goes to a swiss bank, for example UBM. At the counter he whispers:" I' d like to apply 800.000€."

    The financier answers:" You don' t need to whisper, ... poverty is not a shame in Switzerland."



    My aged one:

    Two 60 year old (sacks) sitting in a bar.

    First one asks the other:" How did you get that 20 year old model to marry you?"

    He answers:"I told her ... I am 90."



    Grüße

    Lansknecht BenHei
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2012
  6. dopey

    dopey Well-Known Member

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    interrupting cow.
     
  7. Douglas

    Douglas Well-Known Member

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    three little chinese men worked in a mine. one would chip away at the coal, a second would carry the coal to the surface, and the third generally hung around and minded the supplies. one day, the mine owner came in to check up on things. he watched the first one chipping away at the coal, and nodded approvingly. he watched the second one scurrying back and forth to the surface, and nodded approvingly. but then he frowned, not being able to find the third. he looked all around and was beginning to get cross, about to ask the other two where this third loafer was while they were working so hard, when suddenly, the third man jumped out from behind a cabinet and shouted

    "Supplise!"
     
  8. mordecai

    mordecai Well-Known Member

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    redundant, no? :confused:
     
  9. Douglas

    Douglas Well-Known Member

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    perhaps, someday, when you emerge from your urban jewish hipster cocoon, you will learn that, in addition to being inscrutable, chinese people prounounce their "R" sounds like "L" sounds.
     
  10. PipersSon

    PipersSon Well-Known Member

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    Fluctuations.

    An old Asian lady is in the bank trying to exchange her yen for dollars. She's getting a little irritated with the bored and distracted teller. "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunna dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunnat eighty? Why it change?"

    The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "fluctuations".

    The Asian lady snarls back, "Fluc choo white people too!".
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2014
  11. GusW

    GusW Well-Known Member

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    Sep 18, 2007
    A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

    The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

    He says, "I was talking to the duck."
     
  12. rnoldh

    rnoldh Well-Known Member

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    Meet Jack Schitt


    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:

    In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

    They had one son, Jack.

    Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 children:

    Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")
    Fulla Schitt
    Shineola (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)
    Giva Schitt
    Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father),
    and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deap Schitt.

    Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.


    The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".

    But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.

    Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.

    These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.

    The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
    Dawg Schitt
    Byrd Schitt
    Hoarse Schitt
    and Pigh Schitt

    But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.

    Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."

    (From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)
     
  13. ter1413

    ter1413 Well-Known Member

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    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?, Nothing you already told her twice..
     
  14. 1969

    1969 Well-Known Member

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    Jesus Dude.

    - What do the Atilla the Hun and Winnie the Poo have in common?

    -
    The same middle name of course.
     
  15. ter1413

    ter1413 Well-Known Member

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    Wow.
     

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