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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Brian SD, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. Master-Classter

    Master-Classter Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2007
    Toronto, Canada
    Why was half of Helen Keler's face burned?
    She tried to answer the iron
    Why was the other side burned?
    The bastard called back.

    Why couldn't Helen Keler drive?
    Because she's a woman.

    Did you see Ray Charle's new album?
    neither did he.

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it was dead.
    Why did the second monkey fall?
    It was stuck to the first one.
    and the third monkey?
    Peer pressure.

    What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
    Getting hit by a bus
  2. wylesf

    wylesf Active Member

    Apr 30, 2009
    San Francisco
    They once said a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days and "BAM!" Swine Flu!
  3. robbie

    robbie Well-Known Member

    May 3, 2007
    Whats the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger Jokes?

    Heath Ledger jokes can get old.
  4. rnoldh

    rnoldh Well-Known Member

    Jul 24, 2006
    Moshe the Jew!

    Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab
    newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to come in the same store, noticed this strange phenomenon.

    Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why
    are you reading an Arab newspaper?'

    Moshe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel be ing attacked, Jews
    disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty...

    So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find?

    Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.

    The news is so much better!'
  5. ChicagoRon

    ChicagoRon Well-Known Member

    Jan 14, 2007
    Chicago, IL
    My new favorite from "How I Met Your Mother": What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up some girl's ass [​IMG]
  6. kwilkinson

    kwilkinson Well-Known Member

    Nov 21, 2007
    I've always heard it as "what's the dif between jam and jelly." Regardless, I always chuckle when I hear that one.
  7. Thomas

    Thomas Well-Known Member

    Jul 25, 2006
    Fine, then.

    An Aggie wins the lottery and heads to Austin to claim his $30 million. He approaches the lottery office, shows his ticket and asks for his $30 million.
    Their reply: "But sir...we don't pay you $30 million at once! It's one million a year for 30 years."
    The Aggie is furious and throws his ticket on the counter,
    "That's a rip-off!!! I want my dollar back!"
  8. rnoldh

    rnoldh Well-Known Member

    Jul 24, 2006
    Home Depot WARNING!

    A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping.

    Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21


    girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They


    start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts

    almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to

    look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and

    instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in

    the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and


    out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts

    crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


    had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

    20th, & 24th 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th,

    three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this

    upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful.

    P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.
  9. taxgenius

    taxgenius Well-Known Member

    Mar 23, 2007
    One of my favorites:

    Jack was moderately successful in his career, but as he grew older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygine started to suffer, he sought medical advice. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

    "The good news is that I can cure your headaches....."

    "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

    Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... Size 44 long."

    Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jack admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

    Jack thought for a minute and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 18 neck."

    Jack was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the shirt. It fit perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

    Jack was on a roll and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Jack's feet and said, " Let's see... size 12... wide."

    Jack was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jack walked around the store and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

    Jack thought for a second and said, "Sure."

    The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack's waist and said, "Let's see.... Size 36"

    Jack laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

  10. lakewolf

    lakewolf Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2006
    Zurich, Switzerland
    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
    at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't
    place where he knows her from.

    So he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
    to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
    that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
    while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
  11. JetBlast

    JetBlast Well-Known Member

    Jan 3, 2007
    Los Angeles / London
    Just wanted to bump this.
  12. ChicagoRon

    ChicagoRon Well-Known Member

    Jan 14, 2007
    Chicago, IL
    Here's a good one I heard recently... it benefits from live delivery....

    So... I got my girlfriend a nipple ring last week....

    Because I was listening to that Beyonce song and she said "If you like it then you better put a ring on it"
  13. HRoi

    HRoi Well-Known Member

    Dec 28, 2008
    They once said a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days and "BAM!" Swine Flu!
    necro-quoted for utter hilarity
  14. onion

    onion Well-Known Member

    Aug 26, 2007
    How many indy kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
  15. ChicagoRon

    ChicagoRon Well-Known Member

    Jan 14, 2007
    Chicago, IL
    Sex is like Fractions.... it's improper when the bigger one is on top.
  16. tor

    tor Well-Known Member

    Oct 25, 2009
    where the trees are bare
    Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, "hey it's getting kind of hot in here" and the other one goes, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN"

    Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other, "hey do you know how to drive this thing?"

    And for fellow Aggie-haters:

    An Aggie and his friend are walking along when they see a nudist camp, surrounded by a fence. Trying to get a better look, the Aggie gets on his friend's shoulders to look over. His friend asks, "So? Are they real nudists?" The Aggie responds, "I can't tell, they don't have any clothes on."

    An Aggie is walking along when he sees a farmer and a cow giving birth to a breached calf. The farmer frantically asks the Aggie for help and the calf is delivered successfully. The Aggie wipes his forehead and asks the farmer, "so how fast was that little cow going when it ran into the other one?"
  17. sonick

    sonick Well-Known Member

    Mar 11, 2003
    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

    "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That's no big deal in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, well I've only been with one guy."

    "Oh really? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"


    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I'm calling room service to order something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? And what would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? So what would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

    When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods........., to find out what par is for this hole"

    So much funnier now than when it was originally posted [​IMG]
  18. pronxs

    pronxs Well-Known Member

    May 5, 2009
    So much funnier now than when it was originally posted [​IMG]


    DECEMBER Well-Known Member

    Mar 18, 2009
    Los Angeles
    What did the Mexican say when his house fell on him?

    "Get off me homes!"

    DECEMBER Well-Known Member

    Mar 18, 2009
    Los Angeles
    one of my favorites from batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com

    Easy Solutions #1

    So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

    What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

    Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

    Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

    Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

    Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

    Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

    Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

    Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

    Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

    Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

    Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

    Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

    Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

    Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

    a) You are married to each other in the future
    b) Her current boyfriend is dead
    c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
    d) In the future your relationship is not going well
    e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
    f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
    g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

    Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

    Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

    Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

    Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

    1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
    2) Life will carry on as normal.
    3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

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