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quarter life crisis

Discussion in 'Business, Careers & Education' started by LooksGood, Dec 15, 2012.

  1. clubbyjones

    clubbyjones Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    382
    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2008
    Location:
    Austin
    You say they are more fun with someone else, but have you even done them by yourself? His advice was dead on. You don't want to do it alone because you are scared.

    You sound like a little boy. You were talking about your friends not having your back; what exactly have you done to deserve that from these guys? What traits do you bring to the table, as a man? Are you confident? Smart with money? Are you bringing positive energy to the group? To your friends and to women, what the hell do you offer? All the good traits that your friends and women would want in a friend or man involve WORK. You fantasize about having all these great things WITHOUT work. Your little fantasy about having tons of money and all that is just that, a fantasy. You want women to fall all over you, which is why you think they will do that if you have money. That's what you would offer, money. For no work on your part. Notice the trend? You want something for nothing. Boy, meet world.

    You have got to grow a pair. I'm not a dating expert, but any woman, especially an attractive woman, want a man who can be her rock, who she can lean on when times are tough, who has experienced some life and can teach her things, and who she can let into her body. What woman would want a man who can't even talk to them in a tshirt and sweats, especially considering you want (hopefully) to be naked with them for hours on end as often as possible? Why would a woman trust you with her body?

    You need to struggle more. Struggle as in you need to conquer all your fears. I read your posts and you remind me of most guys at age 22. Lots of guys go through this stage, like I did, where they go do endurance sports, be it marathons, triathlons, etc. Reflecting, we all do it because we need to accomplish something. Constantly in a job with a never ending supply of new shit to do and a 30 year leveling period, is it any wonder we don't feel too great about yourself? There is something to be said for the idea of "leveling", like what we do with every year of school, then ultimately graduation. I think this is also the reason that games like World of Warcraft are so popular. It gives you the sense of merit when you "level up".

    Do you really want to solve your problem? If so, do what another poster suggested and hit up Europe, alone. Go to Stockholm and hit on all pretty girls you see. Half will sleep with you (awesome) and enough will shoot you down to where you aren't afraid of women anymore (even more awesome). Go skydive and bungy jump in Switzerland and conquer your fear of death.

    Imagine you come back, after touring Europe alone, and you have no fear of death: you have an unshakeable confidence. You slept with enough girls to know what you're doing yet were shot down enough to where you can approach any girl. You will know more about you want out of life, so your career will re-align accordingly. Do you not think that you would come off 100% differently than how you come off now? You will literally fight girls off of you. You'll get promotions at work because people will respect you. Life will be good.

    Now you just need to go suffer through the pain and fear so you can get to that point.
     
  2. LooksGood

    LooksGood Well-Known Member

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    Dec 15, 2012
    Location:
    The Yay Area
    I appreciate your thorough post and honesty. Thank you. However, I think you are judging me too much based on a couple of posts. I have struggled much in my life, maybe even more than you. I was abused as a child and was a late bloomer physically, and was picked on until high school where I learned to defend myself. I've had to stay away from gangs, drugs, other negative influences to eventually graduate from a top 20 school, and I'm proud of that. Unfortunately, I have met with much failure in my life for a person my age, such as getting injured and failing to make the all american team, and finding someone down the roster take up my spot and succeed. Since I started college I was on my own, both financially and emotionally, which is more than I can say for many of my peers.

    As for the friends, one example is where I risked my own ass breaking up fights between them and other huge guys when they have not done the same for me. I have also been there for them emotionally more than they have for me.

    Can you explain the work I would need to put in to meet a girl I'm compatible with? I feel in this day and age I should just be able to bring a good heart to care for her emotionally and the physicality to defend her if need be. I don't believe in taking her shopping or paying for dinners except for special occasions.

    I know I work hard, but maybe what you're saying is that I need to work even harder. And I could use more discipline. I guess it's just a matter of forcing myself to be more consistent in the good things I do.
     
  3. Rickhard

    Rickhard Member

    Messages:
    22
    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2012
    Location:
    South Wales
    Hi.
    Recognise the situation you find yourself in. I was a successful banker working in London and New York and had succeeded financially but there was always something missing.I think I needed an identity that really suited me and I've found that by becoming a skinhead. I know that sounds weird but I can now throw off my inhibitions and get pissed out of my head with other like minded people.The image attracts similar people and I now have a busy social life, but admittedly it includes some street aggro and the odd arrest. I'm discovering a whole new set of values that aren't about money or background - being a skinhead is a great leveller.
    Hope you can find something that suits you. Good Luck.
     
  4. Aneil4lom

    Aneil4lom Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    127
    Joined:
    May 10, 2012
    I saw this comic a couple months ago and was SO inspired by it. I'm 24 and the panel about basketball really related to me for the past couple years (the general jist of what the guy is thinking, just not basketball)
     
  5. Master-Classter

    Master-Classter Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Jul 18, 2007
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    Hmmm, To some extent I'm in a similar boat as you, but then again I don't have near as a good a job but I also didn't have that upbringing. The best thought I can share with you as I've had about these sort of matters, as cliche as it may sound, is it's all about attitude. You have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself am I happy, what do I want, honestly and truly. what do I seek/need, am I doing what makes me happy, etc. You have to look yourself in the eye and say 'I deserve to be happy' and go out there and make it happen. The world outside yourself is constantly changing and shifting but you have the power to influence it and shape what's around you, either in reality or in your head. It's all about your attitude, no matter what you did in the past or had done to you or anything like that, you simply have to accept your current situation, imagine into the future what you want, and systematically go get it. Your past doesn't exist in reality, it's just this mental baggage that you're carrying around with you and weighing you down, distracting you, and ultimately holding you back from being happy. Don't you want to be happy? Understand your past, accept it, and LET IT GO. Relieve yourself of that baggage and look at your current life and pretend it's the beginning and you are going to move forward. Promise yourself that you deserve to be happy and you are someone who people will want to like and be with and care for. Tell yourself that you are someone of value and that you deserve to get what you want. Think about what you want your life to look like, in terms of relationships, objects, etc on some sort of timeline and have a general strategy to get there. And every day when you wake up, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve to be happy, and every night think about what you did that day to make your life better. So long story short, it's all about your attitude and your intentions. The only thing in your way is you. Get mad and and say fuck you world, it's my turn to be happy. I refuse to be held back by anything in the past, it's done and over and I'm looking forward. This is the life I imagine and I'm going to make it happen. Everything, EVERYTHING can be changed. It just takes time, money, or effort. Sort of a bit of a ramble here, but basically I'm saying it's as much in your head as anything else and nobody's going to be there for you except yourself.





    when you say you want friends who'll fight for you, I hear you saying that you feel like you don't have strong bonds with others and you're lonely and you think you don't matter to anyone you wish you had the approval of others and you need them to value you. Your source of self worth is external, and that's not right. I'm not saying that being valued by others isn't important or strong relationships with those around you, but you're seeking the validation of others as your source of self worth. Become someone of value, and others will accept that you are value and see you that way. If you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else.

    I see hints that you're unhappy and frustrated. You've said you seem to dislike others around you and think they're more successful. You're being petty, and jealous. Ask yourself what you really want and work towards that. If you compare yourself to others, your self worth is based on them, not you.
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2012
  6. mehhhh

    mehhhh Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    154
    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2009
    Location:
    Columbia, SC
    $100k a year is enough to see a professional, even in SF Bay; you should probably look into that rather than relying on the advice of bloated electronic egos. I think you have some serious questions that the internet is not equipped to answer.
     
  7. LooksGood

    LooksGood Well-Known Member

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    189
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2012
    Location:
    The Yay Area
    That's some really good advice man, thank you so much. My friends have told me to let go of the past too, but it's hard because it's so ingrained in me and made me who I am. To tell you the truth, I am thinking about competing in sports again because I'm hoping it will finally lay my demons from high school athletics to rest. I don't know if that's a good idea though.
     
  8. Maximator

    Maximator Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    179
    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2012
    As corny as it sounds, the only one that can solve your problems is you. However, if you DO need help there are professionals for that.

    Now, as with everything there needs to be a balance between external validation, and internal confidence. I found that too much of either really hurts you both socially and professionally. I recommend that you do the following things:

    1. Find something that you're really good at. Practice it and become even better at it. If you're good enough, you might even be able to teach others in a more or less formal setting. Trust me, there are very few things that make you feel better than having your "students" understand and correctly apply what you have taught them.

    2. Diversify. This may sound contrary to point 1, but you need to increase your amount of activities, and if you feel that you're already loaded up on that front, delve into them deeper. Why? If you know a little about many things, then you'll be able to connect to most people. This is important, because it gives you different perspectives on things. From this common interest you can then forge a friendship that lasts a lifetime.

    3. Be realistic. Most people have very few REALLY good friends, the kind of friend that would go through fire for you. Is that bad? No, not really. It's just the way things are. That does not mean that you can't be friends with more people, but just be realistic with your expectations. Another thing to consider is that building such a friendship takes time. A looooooong time.

    As for your salary goals, I think you need to be realistic. I know that having a set goal to work towards is nice, but sometimes the world just conspires against you and you get screwed. If you truly know that you did everything that you could to reach your goal, then there should be no reason to be sad, as well, you tried your best.
     
  9. TyCooN

    TyCooN Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Jun 29, 2007
    Location:
    2o6
    
    thanks for sharing this. I found the 7 years part very useful
     
  10. Kyon

    Kyon Member

    Messages:
    16
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2012
    Location:
    Sydney
    I'm in favour of travelling alone in order to explore yourself, or in other words get it together. If you're entitled to take a sabbatical leave or have enough money to travel on your own dime for a few months then I would suggest indulging yourself abroad. That is not to say to go on a three month bender, but take the time to reflect upon yourself, pick up the local language, build upon your social skills and expand your social network, and relax for a while.

    Although I wasn't raised in an affluent family, my parents funded a trip to Japan alone for three months after I graduated high school. I had a difficult time in high school, as most people do. I decided to take the time to get it together, although I'm not all there yet, I think I'm an all rounded and well adjusted person.

    As a side note, the trip to Japan gave me the impetus to apply to music school. I had originally planned to study medicine upon my return, but it didn't seem like the right thing to do. I realise I'm going to be chronically unemployed, and that scares me a lot; even though I've acquired a taste for things which come with a higher price tag, I'm confident I did the right thing -- I'm still young enough to change my mind.

    In regards to offering something and contributing to a friendship, it's also admirable to display and inspire others through noble characteristics, rather than taking it upon yourself to offer them a service. Are you merely accessible or are you open to your friends?

    I apologise if I'm coming down hard on you, especially since it's my first post on any forum in a long time. Take care of yourself.
     
  11. LooksGood

    LooksGood Well-Known Member

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    Dec 15, 2012
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    The Yay Area
    You aren't coming down hard on me. I am accessible to these people, I lived with some of them for years and we did almost everything together. We talked about some deep stuff, but after graduation we all spread out to different geographical locations and I was more enthusiastic to keep in touch than they were. Ultimately I think people can only rely on themselves.
     
  12. kety

    kety New Member

    Messages:
    1
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2013
    I know this feeling. I'm from Spain and I'm on wrong side of 50. I got a steady job at 40!!! and I'm single. I've got a few friends and I usually travel alone. I feel just like you do, however, I could be your mother!!! I strongly beleive that things were better long time ago and I think we are in crisis all the time. I can say this now since I will turn 60 in three years. Life could be fantastic, however, there are people that are very selfish and they have never enough therefore they have created a horrible system to get slaves. We have to fight against that. This is our task nowadays. Life is not easy, life is not wonderful...no, no... Life is within yourself. Life is not outside. That is just the way it is.
     
  13. CTLION

    CTLION Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    265
    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Location:
    Florida
    This is an interesting thread of responses. I am not sure if we are alike, but we share some commonalities. I have had people tell me that I am the kind of person who starts a conversation with a stranger and within a minute the stranger feels like we are friends. That being said I have never had a single "brawl" buddy in my life. One of the posters did not understand that term, it doesn't mean you get in fights it means you have a buddy who would be willing to get bloody with you in a jam.

    I have friends but I am not sure I have ever had a truly deep friendship. And that is ok...it's who I am. I am odd in the sense that I have a really strong outgoing personality but that I prefer to be laid back and sometimes alone.

    I have always been more happy than not because I have never compared my success to others. I am in my opinion very successful but I am also 40 so you have to realize that things take time. You are sub-30 so you are in a great place. You can make choices and decisions that are risky whereas I can not with a wife and three kids. You can get up tomorrow and go and experience something new.

    I think you just need to see the other side of the wall you are looking at. If you stare at the same perspective all day long things can get jaded, step back and try something new. When you go to work on Monday appreciate your surroundings. Take deep breathes of air and say hello to strangers.

    If you are worried about where you are going career wise. My advise is to sit down and figure out a plan to get to where you want to be. I don't know your career, but I have made strategic moves over the past 15 years to get to where I am. There are two ways to improve your standing in your career.
    1) get promoted in your current company
    2) find another job
    The key is always making moves with an end goal in mind. Ask yourself, will this position get me to where I want to be at 35...or 40.

    Just my two cents...if you don't like it just return a penny.
     
    1 person likes this.
  14. shenhaizile

    shenhaizile New Member

    Messages:
    2
    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2013
    i agree with you: It's hard to figure out the deep questions you're trying to answer about yourself when you're surrounded by distractions like deciding which pair of expensive shoes to wear today or wondering if people don't like because you don't have the latest iPhone. You'll be dead someday, you won't look back and care one iota about that stuff. Can't say I know the circumstances, but take someone like Alexander McQueen...the pile of money in the corner and the girl laying next to you don't fix the dialog playing in your head. thank you
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2013
  15. uusunn

    uusunn Member

    Messages:
    8
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    Jan 8, 2014
    Location:
    New York, NY
    I'm there with you brother. Things look rosy on the outside but i'm always worrying about what the next step is; always feeling like the world is too big for me to put into perspective. But honestly, you just have to be seemingly irrational about what you want, and then go out there and get it. Being negative/having a bad attitude only harms more than it helps. The world is starved of honest, authentic people and if you're adamant or you truly believe in something, then that passion will be contagious. It sounds cliche but it's actually really rare to find someone like that.

    Don't let the scars of your past dictate the present and the future. You are who you decide to be. A year from now, you'll have wished that you started today. It's okay if you feel anxiety about where your life is heading. Channel that into action and do something about it. Your fate is ultimately in your own hands.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2014
  16. papa kot

    papa kot Well-Known Member

    Messages:
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    Jul 1, 2012
    Ditch the money trail. See, if money defines who you are, then what happens to you when the markets crash, you get laid off and your bank account is on empty? The money is now gone, but your body and conscious are still there. Also, money is like a drug. A bigger paycheck will stimulate you but only to a point. Then you want more and more and more. Suddenly, you will end up like that person your parents and teachers warned you about.
     
    1 person likes this.
  17. Vandalen

    Vandalen Active Member

    Messages:
    34
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    Nov 14, 2012
    Location:
    Sweden
    You know, somewhere there's probably a guy your age with a mortgage, wife and kids who wishes he was a well-paid, single guy with a life full of options ahead of him. Like me!
     
  18. svelten

    svelten Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    392
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    Dec 12, 2008
    

    Amen man. I spent all those years trying so hard to live a normal life with a mortgage, a long term partner, and a stable well-paying job, and all I'm left wondering is is this what it all has amounted to? With technological and health advances, barring global catastrophe I should have another 60 years to live. Is this it? Work hard at my job, get the annual raise/biannual promotion, come home, pay the bills, buy some groceries, read a couple of books, travel a couple of times a year? That's all there is? I guess there are just people like me who will never be happy. I've been wishing that I was jobless, single and mortgage-free for a while now bouncing from one vocation to the next, but I fear that I don't have the necessary life skills to take such a risk.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2014
  19. Flambeur

    Flambeur Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,057
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    Mar 19, 2008
    Been there, done that, changed my life, no regrets.

    Parts of what has worked for me have been minimizing, throwing out everything that's stressing or distracting me out of my life, treating money like a way to independence and freedom rather than the ability to purchase shiny things, finding ways to do what I like and what I'm good at for a living, and so on.

    :slayer:
     
  20. dmkhou

    dmkhou New Member

    Messages:
    4
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2014
    Another good book: Flow by Mihaly Csikszeentmihalyi. It explains why it's not the end result that makes people happy, it's challenging experience that results in getting there. If you are sitting around worrying about things, you are not flowing in life. Find those types of things that you get lost in and that make time fly by. And be ready to really commit to those things. Volunteer alot, not just an hour on saturday morning, but 5 hours a week. Learn to sail, ski, swim, or whatever. Learning to invest is also a good one. I have been working on it for the past several years. I can tell you one thing. DO NOT start with your 10k. You will lose it! If you really want to become an active investor, and especially if you want to be a trader, be ready to read alot, learn that everything you read was crap, take a ton of risk that you don't even know you are taking, lose some money, make some money, and lose it all again. The first year or two should be just focused on not losing money. There's my two sense.

    And remember, life is the adventure. It's the struggling with these sorts of issues that is "living". Don't go seek help unless you really need it. Nobody can tell you what to do that makes you happy because everybody is wired differently. The best anyone can say is how to try new things to see what works for you, and this thread does alot of that.
     

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