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How to treat your woman

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by Toiletduck, Jan 15, 2007.

  1. Toiletduck

    Toiletduck Well-Known Member

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    Got this off facebook...haha

    How to treat your woman

    Description:\t
    1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "Could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

    2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
    (Or--if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are)

    3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

    4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "You better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

    5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

    6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then--when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies.

    7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "F*ck you" and grab the other girls ass.
    Girls love competition.

    8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

    9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

    10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

    11. Warm she up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

    12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the parties dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

    13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet...kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

    14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things...like basketball.

    15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

    16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

    17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair.
    This way she'll go crazy.

    18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say "No, shes not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

    19. Look her in the eyes and smile...then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

    20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what Im talking about.

    21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. She'll say "No, its just the rain." Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream "Stop crying you f*cking baby!" Girls like a tough man as I've already stated.

    22. Titty twisters...and plenty of them.

    23. If you're listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

    24. Two words...Dutch oven.

    25. Remember her birthday but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

    26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now dont call.

    27. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

    28. when you are walking and holding her hand (remember to squeeze tight!) lead her into mud puddles, ice patches, and anything else that will get her shoes dirty.

    29.When you take her to a movie have her go into the theater while you go to the bathroom, but dont go back to the movie she went to, go to a different one. After the movie, find her in the hall and blame her for moving theaters on you.
     
  2. tallguy1337

    tallguy1337 Active Member

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    I got to the second bit of "advice"...and this goes against everything ive ever read and experienced...and I repeat, I got to statement #2....

    EDIT- I skimmed back over another note about breaking her jewelry, which poses the question:

    Did you mean this thread as a joke? Because you will get B*T*H slapped. Garunteed
     
  3. EL72

    EL72 Well-Known Member

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    Lame. Not funny...[​IMG]
     
  4. ghulkhan

    ghulkhan Well-Known Member

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    haha it sjsut suppopsed to be funny not serious..im pretty sure
     
  5. skalogre

    skalogre Well-Known Member

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    Fucking hell people, this is a only joke - has been going around for a while IIRC, too. I mean, even if it were not taken from elsewhere, it is obvious that it is composed of hyperbole, bad advice and non-sequitur statements. Hence something of a comedic nature.

    P.s.
    "15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit." - lol
     
  6. ghulkhan

    ghulkhan Well-Known Member

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    Fucking hell people, this is a joke - has been going around for a while. I mean, even if it were not taken from elsewhere, it is obvious that it is composed of hyperbole, bad advice and non-sequitur statemenst. Hence something of a comedic nature.
    haha exactly
     
  7. dusty

    dusty Well-Known Member

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    To offset the haters in this thread: this is hilarious.
     
  8. tallguy1337

    tallguy1337 Active Member

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    Sorry about the hatin', I was in serious mode... Now that I see its a joke, It's actually funny
     
  9. EL72

    EL72 Well-Known Member

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    I obviously know it's meant to be humorous. I just happen to think it fails miserably on that count. Just my opionion. If you get a kick out it, great! Knock yourselves out, there's no hatin' on my part.
     
  10. odoreater

    odoreater Well-Known Member

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    I obviously know it's meant to be humorous. I just happen to think it fails miserably on that count. Just my opionion. If you get a kick out it, great! Knock yourselves out, there's no hatin' on my part.

    I second this opinion. It's quite obvious that it's supposed to be a joke, it's just not that funny as far as jokes go.
     
  11. Mute

    Mute Well-Known Member

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    Should actually be labeled, "How to get your severed head put on a pike."
     
  12. MrRogers

    MrRogers Well-Known Member

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    Some of these are really funny.

    I dont see how some can hate on this thread but laugh at the pic of jesus on a cross and a bunch of hicks spelling out YMCA

    MrR
     
  13. Toiletduck

    Toiletduck Well-Known Member

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    I guess I just have a sick sense of humor [​IMG].....

    btw I do not condone the YMCA pic...but I laughed anyway...[​IMG]
     
  14. kronik

    kronik Well-Known Member

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  15. wEstSidE

    wEstSidE Well-Known Member

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    fuck dat i'l smak a ho.
     
  16. Brian SD

    Brian SD Well-Known Member

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    I think I'm guilty of doing this to my girlfriend freshman year of high school. A lot. And I can confirm that girls do appreciate you helping them improve themselves. [​IMG]
     
  17. Matt

    Matt Well-Known Member

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    To offset the haters in this thread: this is hilarious.
    i thought so too
    I obviously know it's meant to be humorous. I just happen to think it fails miserably on that count. Just my opionion. If you get a kick out it, great! Knock yourselves out, there's no hatin' on my part.
    dude, you have been Quite The Grown Up lately [​IMG]
    I dont see how some can hate on this thread but laugh at the pic of jesus on a cross and a bunch of hicks spelling out YMCA
    hey that was mine and it was funny as hell!
     
  18. EL72

    EL72 Well-Known Member

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    dude, you have been Quite The Grown Up lately [​IMG]

    Alright so this one was mildly amusing:

    9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames. [​IMG]

    but maybe I am grown up because I just can't see the humour in most of the other lines about girls being like dogs and how to rough them up... [​IMG]

    You want funny? Maybe it's because I'm married but I find these wife jokes someone sent me hilarious: [​IMG]

    ----------------------
    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."

    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

    ------------------

    - I think that my wife died.

    - Why's that?

    - Sex is the same, but dishes are starting to stack up in the sink.

    ----------------

    One day at Lambeau Field (home of the Green Bay Packers), a journalist is stunned to find an empty seat at the 50 yard line, right on the aisle and just inches behind the Packer bench. Lambeau has sold out every Sunday for decades, and the guy couldn't believe that this of all seats was empty.

    There was an older fellow sitting next to the seat and the reporter asked him if he knew what had detained the occupant.

    "Well," he said, "this was my wife's seat. We came to games every week-- but she's dead now."

    The journalist, probing a bit, said "but don't you have any friends that you could ask? There isn't a soul in Green Bay who wouldn't love to sit here today."

    The old fellow said "Oh, yes, we had plenty of mutual friends. But they're all at the funeral today."

    ------------------

    Two businessmen are having lunch. One of them says, "oh, I had the worst Freudian slip on the flight back from New York. The flight attendant had these fantastic tits and when she asked me where I was from, I was so distracted that I said titsburg." The other business man says, "wow, that's pretty bad. I had a doozy the other day too. We were having dinner and I meant to ask my wife to pass the beans. Instead I said 'you stupid f**ing bitch, you've ruined my life!"

    ------------

    A woman is stepping out of the shower as her husband is stepping in when the front doorbell rings. "Could you get that, Honey", he asks. So the wife goes to the door in a towel. When she opens it, it's their neighbor Bob standing in the doorway with a fistful of money. He says, "I'll give you $500 if you take off that towel". She thinks about it for a moment and considers that it's quite a lot of money for something so simple and harmless, so she agrees and takes off the towel. Bob gives her $500 cash and walks away. When she returns to the bathroom her husband asks, "Who was that at the door?". "It was Bob from next door", she replies. "Oh", he says, "did he say anything about that 500 bucks he owes me?"

    --------------

    Q: What's the first thing women do when they return home from the battered women's shelter?

    A: The dishes if they know what's good for them!

    --------------------

    Q: Why are divorces so expensive?

    A: Because they're WORTH IT!

    --------------------

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know
    what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the head lights off before I get to the driveway. I shutoff the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to
    prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

    "His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY???!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.It Works Every Time!!!

    -----------------------------

    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

    The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    -------------------------------------------

    Follow-up:

    A new wives store has opened up across the street:

    The first floor has wives that love sex.
    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
    The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

    -------------------------------------

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lbs

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes

    ---------------------------------------
     
  19. Alter

    Alter Well-Known Member

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    If we're talking about classic jokes then they don't get better than this:

    The Cow From Minsk

    The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

    They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

    They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

    The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

    The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.

    "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

    The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
     
  20. Nantucket Red

    Nantucket Red Well-Known Member

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    Tasteless.

    Alter's joke is funny.
     

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