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How can I get some kind of dating life going?

Discussion in 'Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel' started by dapperdude, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. dapperdude

    dapperdude Well-Known Member

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    That's a good question. Yes, I am the same - few good friends vs. many. The other night I got a call from an old buddy I knew when I lived in LA. We talked for 2 hours. That guy has such interesting stories, and I really value his friendship.

    I think that's a really good idea.

    Maybe as a first step, I just need to change my mindset and think primarily about 1) making friends and 2) being less selfish.
     
  2. dapperdude

    dapperdude Well-Known Member

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    Austin, TX
    

    You must be from an older generation. Are you familiar with the job market for IT and software developers? It's hard to find a "permanent" job in my field anywhere. Fortunately, I found a good full-time leadership position recently. I hope to stay here and "climb the ladder" if it's possible, as this is a good place. I definitely have less interest in job hopping these days. Barring layoffs, firing, downsizing, etc., I will be here for awhile.
     
  3. dapperdude

    dapperdude Well-Known Member

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    Austin, TX
    

    There's a wine meetup I've been meaning to go to. There's really tons of meetups going on in this city; I just need to take advantage of it all.

    That reminds me....

    Whole Foods is offering a cooking class, too. They also have a weekly wine and beer tasting, and my new job is literally across the street. Great ideas, Ambulance Chaser.

    Starting to feel better. Bottom line, I know I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.
     
  4. manchambo

    manchambo Well-Known Member

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    The picture that is emerging to me is of a person who has established a rigid set of rules for his life that makes it virtually impossible to interact socially, much less date. You mentioned that you are very into the paleo diet, so I'm sure your eating is very restricted ("A bunch of us are heading to an Italian joint, want to come? Can't, paleo diet." Just a guess.) And you can't go out past 9 pm because of your sleep schedule. That right there would eliminate perhaps 90 percent of the people you could date. Aside from the practicality that almost all people in their thirties want to go out from time to time, it would be a huge red flag to most people that you are so rigid you can't stay up late in your thirties. My grandpa used to be pretty rigid about getting to bed by nine, but he could get away with it because he was 80. For you it signals no fun, no spontaneity, none of the flexibility that might make a good life partner, no way anyone wants to date that.

    It's fascinating to me that you valorize this characteristic by saying you are "very independent minded." It doesn't even strike me as particularly independent minded, and certainly is not a desirable characteristic, to be too inflexible to interact with others in a normal way. But it is probably a decent coping mechanism for you: saying you're not socializing because you're just too independent minded to do so is presumably easier than facing whatever the real reason You're not socializing. First and foremost, you need to identify the real reason and address it.
     
  5. globetrotter

    globetrotter Well-Known Member

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    ok, I am going to be pretty brutally honest - but I am a basic introvert who was single until about 30 and them married a wonderful woman and has a great family



    1. you probably want to have a little, not a lot, therapy. you probably have issues. sorry, suck it up

    2. you are probably not very interesting to women - you are passionate about paleo, you run and lift weights (women don't care about those things anywhere near as much as you think they do) and you are in IT and spend a lot of time worried about your job.

    3. work out some things that are interesting to women - a few interesting things about your life, something. practice the stories. meet women, get them to tell you stuff about thier lives and themselves, be interested, and then tell them, a little, about what makes you interesting.

    4. date a lot - it seems to me you live in a place that is full of women, Austin. I've only had women come on to me a handful of times in my life, and once was in austin.

    5. you are way too picky. you are going to have to get used to the idea that you aren't atractive enough for the women you want. so, either you spend the rest of your life using prostitues, or you are going to have to date, sleep with and marry women who aren't that atractive. you don't sound very attractive, very rich or very intresting, why would attractive women want you? but there are many many reasonable women, with nice firm tight bodies who would probably love to have you. settle.



    good luck
     
  6. edmorel

    edmorel Well-Known Member

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    Cary, am I the kind of friend you horse around with?


    Dapper, I think you know what you need to do, you just have to set your mind to it. Don't approach a woman like she is a potential wife/long term relationship, don't compare them to your ex and be careful you don't come off too beta in these cooking classes. Cooking is a great skill to have and women appreciate men who can do it but you don't want to come off house-husband-ish.
     
  7. Cary Grant

    Cary Grant Well-Known Member

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    You'll always be my little pony.
     
  8. dapperdude

    dapperdude Well-Known Member

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    Good point.
     
  9. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Well-Known Member

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    Eh, this is tricky for someone who lacks confidence about dating and probably telegraphs that. Of course great romantic/sexual relationships can grow out of strong friendships, and of course you should treat women you are interested as friends in the sense of treating them with courtesy, respect, etc. But for someone like the OP -- recognizing that when I say "someone like the OP" I'm making a bunch of assumptions based on a few internet posts - it can be tough to climb out of the friend zone if that's where things start out. I would look at it a bit differently -- if he is attracted to and interested in a woman, he should make that clear from the start. If she doesn't feel the same way or the chemistry isn't there, he can decide whether he's interested in making the effort to remain friends (and, of course, meeting her girlfriends).
     
  10. Huntsman

    Huntsman Well-Known Member

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    Good! Have to say, the occasional good whine can be kind of cathartic, especially if you make positive decisions when coming out of it.

    Good luck -- expect ups and downs, the downs suck but the ups really blow them away.

    ~H
     
  11. Cary Grant

    Cary Grant Well-Known Member

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    Tricky perhaps but in the end the better yield. If, after a couple of dates you cannot see yourself hanging around this person just for fun, you'll never advance to deeper interests.
     
  12. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Well-Known Member

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    I think that's debatable at best.
     
    1 person likes this.
  13. dapperdude

    dapperdude Well-Known Member

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    I need to get to the point where this is an issue to worry about. It's a decision point I haven't reached in years.
     
  14. Cary Grant

    Cary Grant Well-Known Member

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    If the go
    al is eventually marriage then friendship had to be there.
     
  15. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Well-Known Member

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    Ha, fair point. Obviously much of it is context dependent. If I could distill it to a single point of advice, it would be this:

    Just try it - whatever "it" is. Ask out the neighbor or barrista girl or friend-of-a-friend who appeals to you. Or simply strike up a friendly conversation with the cute girl standing in line next to you at the market. Or make the move to initiate a physical relationship with a female friend who attacts you. As long as you conduct yourself respectfully and don't make stupid choices like asking out a subordinate at work, the downside is pretty limited. Even when the result is an embarrassing failure, it's a whole lot less painful and more fleeting in reality than in your imagination. And the more you push gently at those boundaries, the less restrictive they'll feel.

    Good luck and have fun.
     
  16. lawyerdad

    lawyerdad Well-Known Member

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    No shit.
     
  17. Cary Grant

    Cary Grant Well-Known Member

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  18. Jr Mouse

    Jr Mouse Well-Known Member

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    OP, you live in Austin? The city has a great dating scene. Haven't read the whole thread, but is there some reason you can't start hanging out with friends on the weekends downtown? You should be able to start meeting some women. I find the girls here are very easy to talk to and get to know. Not standoffish at all.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2013
  19. edmorel

    edmorel Well-Known Member

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    jesus christ if jr mouse is getting tail there is no excuse for anyone else that does not look like Louie Anderson
     
    1 person likes this.
  20. Jr Mouse

    Jr Mouse Well-Known Member

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    Guess you would be surprised if you really knew me, ed.

    OP, if you need some advice on where to go out and have a good chance of meeting people I can help. I've lived in North VA, DC and all over Texas. Honestly, it's been easier to meet women here in Austin then any city I have lived in. If you look at the statistics, they back this up. There is a favorable amount of single ladies here, per male.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2013

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