Salmon steaks with asparagus is the easiest, semi-impressive thing you can cook.
Take a pot and fill it with an inch or two of water and set it to boil on your stove. Take your asparagus and gently bend them so the hard, bitter ends come off (they'll snap off exactly where they should with a little bit of pressure, so don't worry about making them exact).
Take the salmon steaks, rub a bit of cayenne pepper and fresh ground pepper on both sides (or a general "cajun" spice). Get out a frying pan, put some olive oil in the bottom, set the element to Medium heat. Cook each side for about 7 minutes; cut away the back of the skin on the salmon to have a peek to see if the middle is cooked before you take it off. If you've ever eaten sushi, you'll know the red colour of raw fish. Cooked salmon is pink, but keep in mind that fish keeps cooking after you take it off the stove, so don't overcook it either.
After you've cooked one side of the salmon, put the asparagus into the boiling water in the pot. Cook for the seven minutes or so that the salmon is being cooked. Don't let them get limp and overdone (taste one at the 7 min. mark; if done, put them on a cold element).
Put some olive oil on both of your plates (more for the aspargus than anything). If you want to dress the plate with some flair, take 5 or 6 pieces of asparagus and lay them across the plate in a row, laying the salmon on top.
I can't cook worth a damn either, but I can cook this.
Your other option I'd suggest is the old Italian standby, Spaghetti agli olio (spaghetti with oil and garlic). All you need is to make spaghetti and then add it to a pot where you have crushed garlic, olive oil, a bit of italian seasoning, a touch of cayenne pepper and some fresh ground pepper. If you want, throw some cooked (and warmed) shrimp in there as well. Stir the ingredients into the spaghetti and you have a very tasty dish in under 10 minutes.