Stole these from another site - more great lines from Mitch Hedberg:
"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."
"In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like the bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog." You never say, "Here comes that frog." in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. "Hey here comes that frog.,........alll-right." Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world."
"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa. Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidentally wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."
"And then at the end of the letter I like to write P. S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"I think Pringle's potato chips initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringle's is a laid-back company. They said "**** it. Cut em up."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."
"When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough,
you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."
"I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."
"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"
"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard."
"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."
"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your going to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
"I was at the airport and this guy came up to be and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."
"I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill."
"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."
"I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."
"I get the Reece's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reece's and some guy named Reece comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."
"I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah. It was a Wednesday."
"Y' know I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them."
"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up. An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I brought a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."
"When you go a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's double whammy. We need help. Bush search a party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
"...Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got mother****er, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."
"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the **** did you get that banana at..."
"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."