Originally Posted by zissou
Sounds like it was a crazy time, but I'm glad you're coming to terms with everything.
It's pretty cool. If you look back at the thread on forgiveness, Hombre Secreto
's post kinda puts things where they ought to be.
I'm still trying to decide if I actually want to be friends with my ex. Part of me wants to, because I enjoyed some of the time with her and it could help me move on, but part of me thinks it would just make things more difficult. When she broke up with me, she was very insensitive and unapologetic about it (a side of her that had caused me a fair amount of frustration), and it seemed like 'still being friends' was just a consolation perhaps so that she wouldn't feel so guilty?
I had a lot of questions that she refused to answer, probably because she is incapable of conveying her feelings, especially in tense situations. All in all, I don't think she's a mean person, but it would help if we could actually talk about it all. Until she comes to me wanting to do so, I've resigned to just get on with my life. It's something I have to do, especially considering that I have a young kid.
It sounds like you have your priorities straight and don't need the extra baggage of the ex. The less guilty feeling by being friends is something that I've seen done before, and it rarely works if that's the motivation.
I can kind of see things from my ex's perspective, but it still doesn't make the most sense. She's freaked out about her job (tenure-track university faculty) because it's borderline as to whether the contract for her job will be renewed for a couple more years next month. That, along with her generally pessimistic and uptight nature, I think caused her to jettison everything in her life that wasn't absolutely essential for survival. What I don't understand is why, if this is the most stressful time in her life, she'd want to go through it alone.
I understand the freakout and jettison thing all too well. If that's the case, she has her own shit to deal with and you'll just be dragged in by hanging around. While it's nice to have support, people, things, etc. can feel super cloying when doing the existential crisis thing. It's also easy to get angry and blame everyone/thing else for what's going wrong in your life, and to take out anger on them to make yourself feel better (ex: midlife crisis).
I think our mutual friends are all reasonable people, so I don't necessarily expect them to be vengeful. I'm just curious what they know about it at this point and haven't heard from a few close mutual friends
. A few of our friends invited me on a Thanksgiving backpacking trip to the Grand Canyon, so I guess that's a good sign!
They may just be trying to avoid being dragged in. It may be worth dropping them a line and having a casual talk without bringing the topic up. Sure it'll be an elephant in the room, but it may be comforting to them to get that they aren't going to be involved.
Anyway, I better stop rambling and get back to work before you all start charging me for your time reading all of my posts in this thread
Internet therapy is where it's at. Modest amounts of privacy, people willing to call any bs, and it's all free.