I figured id post this here, because I really could use all the advice I can get. Im a fucking wreck. When I emailed teger he asked me this "well, first question is, are you totally done with her? do you recognize this break up is a good thing, or do you still want her back?" i replied Am I totally done with her? Look it's hard to say, honestly. I knew that when we got back together, things were different. I knew that in a way she wasnt entirely sure she wanted to still be together, but she loved me, and she trusted me when I told her all will be well. And it was for like a month, but I knew she was acting different, and I knew she had changed. In a lot of ways I didnt like it, she was acting like a different person, wasnt the girl that I knew, but I figured we just needed time. I wont lie that the thought of leaving then didnt cross my mind, because things just werent the same...and I figured you know I tried, but it just isnt working, let me leave. We spent the weekend together, and we actually had a great time nothing seemed off, and a couple of weeks back, if you dont recall she said she felt like she was falling in love with me all over again. Anyway, we woke up together yesterday, we fucked, and we started talking about how things arent the same anymore...I asked her what she wanted to do, she said well we've tried time apart, that doesnt work, i dont want to lose you, so I guess we should just continue what weve been doing...I then flat out if she wanted to break up. She said, "if I tell you I want to break up, you're going to storm out of here, call me a bunch of names,and then regret it all and act like it never happened." I tell her no, I really am not going to do that, "do you want to break up?" She replies, that yes she does. I quietly get up, get dressed, gather my things, do this quietely. I know this is it, I have to accept it, from this point on at least for a little while I have to act like she doesnt exist. She walks up to me, gives me a hug, asks me if i want her to do anything for me, I say no thank you, and then I just walk out. She called me a couple of times later in the day, I didnt pick up, she then texted me "I would have picked up for you" and then later, "So you're just going to act like I dont exist anymore?" I didn't reply to either, and I throughout this whole thing always made it clear to her that if we break up im not going to acknowledge her existence, she never really believed it... Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent. Do I want her back? I feel like I do, but at the same time I dont. I dont think its realistic, i dont think things would be the same, I dont want to fill my head with these thoughts that its possible, I just want to rid my mind of anything to do with her, which wont be easy, but i really am going to treat her like she is dead. I dont know if that answers your question, but I feel like shit. walking out of there yesterday I was like ok... I can deal with it. This morning I woke up and the reality hit me like a truck, this girl is gone, she meant so much to me, i loved her so much and now i dont have her. i wont lie next to her, smell her...you know. i feel really depressed, i know for the next couple of days/weeks/hopefully not months ill be drinking too much to often, i know my work will be affected, and hopefully not if i can help it but my school too. im not interested in any other woman. they all make me realize how great she was. i just feel like im existing, gonig though the motions of life, but not living. In short, I love her, I want to be with her, but I think that its impossible at this point, and do not want to think in that way. what the fuck do i do?