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I broke up with my gf (general breakup thread) - Page 82

post #1216 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post
I find humor helpful in these things, because the default is head-holding drama. Next time you talk, and she asks you what you've been up to, say something like "Oh, just updating my jdate profile." It will help diffuse the awkwardness, or at least it has for me in the past. In any event, good luck.

Yup. Don't be the guy who responds to that prompt with talk about how much you've been dating/spreading your seed throughout New York. By the same token, don't give her an opening to boast about her own dating/sexual conquests since you've been apart.

This all sounds like common sense, but some guys and gals can't help but add insult to injury by talking about the above, even if they were the ones to initiate the breakup. "Oh hey, I know I dumped you, but since then, well I had a pregnancy scare because I let this guy hit it raw dog too often."
post #1217 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
(but everything else confused me)

How do you mean?
post #1218 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithman View Post
Agreed, humor does help and the one you have is quite good. Really and I don't mean to be sarcastic. But let's assume for one seconds that all of us here actually takes your advice into consideration and decides to break the awkwardness with that line, and it so happen, since I am pretty sure that most of us here live in the same country and even city or street, to date the same girl and use that same line. Wouldn't that be even more awkward?

lol
post #1219 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
close.

Tell her that you have had a lot of time to think in the past few days, and you have come to agree with her. You are better off apart. Wish her well. Then sit back and wait.

There are two options.

1. she feels dumped and comes running back as she ponders Life Without Him and 'omigodwhathaveidone?'. This is kind of what you want.
2. she doesn't, in which case you are slightly better off than you are now, as at least she isn't stringing your ass along.

Either way, leave out the victim Quit Playing Games With My Heart stuff from your spiel.

I can't stress enough how good this advice is.

You sitting around moping is not helping.
You sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind as a good lap dog yapping at the mere site of your master is downright disastrous.
You showing that you are moving on will help.

And then proceed to do your best to not just show that you are moving on, but to actually move on. Now is an excellent time to buy those clothes you've wanted, loose some weight etc.
post #1220 of 3570
Let me share with you my story.

I dated a girl that I knew since grade 7. We had a crush on each other in grade 10, but didn't act on it until we went to university (different universities). We started dating in second year, and long story short, she told me that she needed to date other people and broke up with me on the eve of my final exams in my graduating year (This was April)

When we broke up, it was made clear that there is intention to keep seeing each other. Everything was on good terms and there were absolutely no arguments, raised voices or projectiles thrown.

This is where it gets weird.

The romance stopped but the sex continued, at least for a while. In June, she went overseas on vacation. When she came back, communication with her became difficult, she stopped answering phone calls and made herself very inaccessible (which is normal), this continued for about a month until she asked me to go on a three-week vacation with her.

In August, we flew overseas. We shared a room, and shared a bed, and did everything together. The sex resumed. After our trip, she came back home and I flew out to Asia, but we kept in touch via email until EVERYTHING STOPPED. Boom, no more emails. No phone calls.

I came home from Asia (October), turns out she is alive. But once again, she stopped talking to me, and made no time to see me (normal in a breakup). Fast forward to a couple weeks back, we had sex again. Today, she called me and said there would be no more sex "ever".

Précis:
Long time friend turned gf. Broke up after three years.
Sex continued. Went on vacation together.
Now she has shunned me.

Addendum:
I was her first. She never even held anyone's hand prior to me.
post #1221 of 3570
If she leaves, she will never speak to me again. No matter what.
post #1222 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by KenN View Post
Let me share with you my story.

I dated a girl that I knew since grade 7. We had a crush on each other in grade 10, but didn't act on it until we went to university (different universities). We started dating in second year, and long story short, she told me that she needed to date other people and broke up with me on the eve of my final exams in my graduating year (This was April)

When we broke up, it was made clear that there is intention to keep seeing each other. Everything was on good terms and there were absolutely no arguments, raised voices or projectiles thrown.

This is where it gets weird.

The romance stopped but the sex continued, at least for a while. In June, she went overseas on vacation. When she came back, communication with her became difficult, she stopped answering phone calls and made herself very inaccessible (which is normal), this continued for about a month until she asked me to go on a three-week vacation with her.

In August, we flew overseas. We shared a room, and shared a bed, and did everything together. The sex resumed. After our trip, she came back home and I flew out to Asia, but we kept in touch via email until EVERYTHING STOPPED. Boom, no more emails. No phone calls.

I came home from Asia (October), turns out she is alive. But once again, she stopped talking to me, and made no time to see me (normal in a breakup). Fast forward to a couple weeks back, we had sex again. Today, she called me and said there would be no more sex "ever".

Précis:
Long time friend turned gf. Broke up after three years.
Sex continued. Went on vacation together.
Now she has shunned me.

Addendum:
I was her first. She never even held anyone's hand prior to me.

My educated guess:

She's seeing somebody else and it's getting serious. Every time she breaks up (or hits a rough patch) with some other guy, she uses you as her fallback, because you've always been there; you're an old habit that she breaks whenever somebody "better" comes along. This doesn't mean she doesn't care for you"”she does. But, even though she may have a hard time imagining life without you at all, she also doesn't see you as "the one."

If you hold out for her to change her mind about that, you will live and die a bachelor. She may still come back to you for as much as a few weeks at a time at some point in the future, because this "serious" guy probably won't be her last. However, you're not going to end up with this girl, even if you've spent most of your life believing you were destined for each other.

My advice: start looking for someone who won't take you for granted. When you find her, don't take her for granted, either; I say this because, for all the years you've spent with your 10th grade crush, it sounds as if you don't really know her very well. Either that, or you know her just fine, but you ignore what you know because it's contrary to what you wish.

Any chance I've guessed right?
post #1223 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkI View Post
If she leaves, she will never speak to me again.

No matter what.

"Never" is a very long time. "Not in the foreseeable future" is more realistic, and leaves room for plenty of healing and personal growth on both your parts.
post #1224 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by pstoller View Post
"Never" is a very long time. "Not in the foreseeable future" is more realistic, and leaves room for plenty of healing and personal growth on both your parts.

Like you said, if she really cares and still loves me, and is commited, she would stay and work things out during rough times, if her first instinct during rough times to up and quit. Well that shows some of her true colors.

I don't think I would be able to trust her again and be with her after that. You move on.

I certainly think something like what I had with her is rare, but it's not a one time thing. Life will go on.
post #1225 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkI View Post
Like you said, if she really cares and still loves me, and is commited, she would stay and work things out during rough times, if her first instinct during rough times to up and quit. Well that shows some of her true colors.

I don't think I would be able to trust her again and be with her after that. You move on.

I certainly think something like what I had with her is rare, but it's not a one time thing. Life will go on.

Naturally, I agree with all of this. However, not getting romantically involved with someone again and not speaking with her again are two different things. Right now, you're feeling primarily hurt and anger, and rightfully so. It'll be that way for a while. But, those feelings fade over time, and you may be surprised at what you find beneath them when they do.

FWIW: I had a GF in college on whom I bailed when things got rough. A couple of decades later, we were married. Neither of us would trade the happiness we have now for the grudges we could have held. Pain and anger are part of life, but don't let them be the biggest part.
post #1226 of 3570
pstoller speaks the truth. You may find after you really have moved on that you genuinely don't have an interest in speaking with her. I felt that way after I finally got past my first serious relationship many years back. I held no grudge, but I felt neutral about every speaking with her again.

If, however, you guys had a lot of shared interests or were similar people, there may come a time when you're ready to revisit the idea of speaking with her in some capacity. I know the whole Jerry-Elaine thing is the exception to the rule with regards to former lovers. But if she was special enough to consider marrying, it's probably too soon to make any proclamations that you won't ever want to talk to her again. Only time will reveal that answer.
post #1227 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkI View Post
Like you said, if she really cares and still loves me, and is commited, she would stay and work things out during rough times, if her first instinct during rough times to up and quit. Well that shows some of her true colors.

I don't think I would be able to trust her again and be with her after that. You move on.

I certainly think something like what I had with her is rare, but it's not a one time thing. Life will go on.

She can still love and care about you without being committed. She has shit to do in her life, and isn't ready to sacrifice what she wants so that yall can be together. Life happens. She's been fairly kind in her treatment of you with the exception of a sort of out of the blue breakup. Don't hold this one against her- just move on. Not talking to her is important in the near term to help with moving on, but don't rule it out later down the line. People and priorities change.
post #1228 of 3570
sometimes a girl just need a breather. monica: dont take it personal
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post #1229 of 3570
Here's the deal: Many people in their early to mid 20s are very much in flux. What you want at 20 may be the last thing you want at 21. We're considered adults by law when we turn 18, but many people are still very much going through intense self-discovery in the years that follow that.

If she's doing this to find herself and what she really wants from life, you have to accept it and respect that she's handled it reasonably well so far. It fucking sucks for you because right now, her finding what she really wants means losing what you feel you really want.

That laid out there, it's better for her to do this now and not a few years after you two are married and she can no longer suppress her growing discontent with her life and what she may have missed out on by not being a bit selfish (right now) and setting out to find what she wants from life.

I sense that's how a lot of marriages start to tear at the seams. The couple married at a relatively young age and after that new car smell wears off of the marriage, there's this animosity over what's been missed by settling down.
post #1230 of 3570
Quote:
Originally Posted by APK View Post
I sense that's how a lot of marriages start to tear at the seams. The couple married at a relatively young age and after that new car smell wears off of the marriage, there's this animosity over what's been missed by settling down.
The whole "love is blind" phenomenon. Feelings of infatuation and love that accompany the attraction stage floods the brain with dopamine, the feel good hormone--associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens attention, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. In other words, couples in this stage of love focus intently on the relationship and often on little else. Lower levels of serotonin--one symptom of OCD--also account for these feelings of obsession. Once this initial stage is passed, dopamine levels will return to normal, serotonin will increase, and the individual will now be able to view the relationship, and their partner, in a much clearer, sober state of mind.
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