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Are there people here who care about how they dress yet still are socially awkward? - Page 4

post #46 of 69
Kooky. You are describing classic systems of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I have been "diagnosed" with this, as well.

I second everything J has said - it is truly great advice. In particular, seek out Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Many Colleges and Medical Schools (with a Psy. Dept.) will have Doctoral students who need to have a certain amount of hours and as such run "clinics" through the Departments. They often charge less than $30.00 per session.

I have been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for about 6 months or so. It is a very effective system. The best part of it for me was their non-reliance on traditional medical remedies which is something I valued highly.

Not sure where you live, but send me a PM if you'd like help with finding a CBT program.

All that being said - remember this: there is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings and attached behaviors are merely a fundamental fight or flight response that is coming from some unresolved issues that you probably have. Its not a big deal - everyone has issues that need to be handled.

Unfortunately, people like us manifest these issues in a particular way. It really is something that can be fixed. Stay positive, man. You are DEFINITELY not the only one feeling like this.
post #47 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by kookydooky View Post
Ok guys I think I actually might have some sort of social anxiety because it is gotten to the point that I get nervous/dread about going to school/work which has been going on for over 2 years and makes me actually feel as if I want to quit my current job and school (it was the reason why I quit my old job)

I also tend to get fantasies of suicide once in a while to escape all forms of relationships because it feels like I cant maintain them

I also get that sense of not wanting to be there or nervousness when I am actually out with people. I also dont feel as if I can talk about this to anyone I personally know because well it seems pretty weak and something to be rideculed about

Is there some sort of psychologist or professional that I can see about this that is cost free? Because money is very tight.

We have councillors at my college which I think are free but that is a last option because
a) They are all my teachers
b) Everyone really knows each other in the course (its very small)

Most colleges have a counseling program where you can get in to see a trained, professional psychologist, not a teacher, for free. You probably won't know each other and they are required by law to keep the conversation confidential.

Props to j for the advice.

I was painfully shy for most of my life, but found that developing a genuine interest in other people, with no agenda (e.g. not trying to pick up a woman or impress a stranger with my knowledge of music), leads me to ask questions about the other person and then to good natural conversations. Your only agenda should be having a short, pleasant conversation with someone. I suggest you start out very small, maybe just compliment a stranger on their necklace, shoes, etc. and work up from there.
post #48 of 69
This was recommended elsewhere, but try this.

Instead of thinking, "Am I interesting enough? Will she like me?" turn it around, remove the spotlight from yourself, and put it on the other person. This time, say "Are YOU interesting enough for ME?"

To find out, you'll have to ask them questions. Tease them a little, if they give boring answers and don't play along, they're not worth your time, and move on. THEY should be lucky enough to hang out with YOU, not the other way around.

Think about it in terms of a job interview. Is the interviewer nervous? Hell no, he's got the job already....the person he's interviewing is the nervous one. Don't hesitate, be the one to take initiative.

Also, don't put the p*ssy on a pedestal ; )
post #49 of 69
really helpful ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eason View Post
Hmm, maybe you're retarded?
post #50 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by longskate88 View Post
Instead of thinking, "Am I interesting enough? Will she like me?" turn it around, remove the spotlight from yourself, and put it on the other person. This time, say "Are YOU interesting enough for ME?"

This is key. Stop trying to get them to like you. See if you like them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by longskate88 View Post
T
Also, don't put the pussy on a pedestal ; )

Cosign, as well.
post #51 of 69
just thought i can bring this back up to continue this interesting discussion on social ineptitude that alot of us have.
post #52 of 69
Just read this thread. Really good comments from some posters and surprisingly little snark. Am I still on SF?

It's really just about trying. A good idea is to start off with "uninteresting" people. Trying to start a conversation for practice with a smoking hot girl might go nowhere as she thinks you're trying to get into her pants. Saver things would be to talk to people older than you when shopping or at bars. A woman twice your age will not suspect that you want to try out her shower tomorrow morning (I'm new here, I'm not going to make puns about Conne) and therefore be perhaps more open. You first need some routine so start easy.

Also I've noticed that usually people out for a coffee or drink in the afternoon or early evening are more willing to spend time talking to a stranger than if you would talk to them at the night. At night people go out to party, get wasted or hang with their friends, in the afternoon it's more likely that they just relax and drink a coffee.

What worked for me to reduce the panic I've felt when talking to strangers was when I talked to couples a little bit over my age at bars or cafes. You can chime in because you "accidentally" heard something they talked about or to the waiter and as they are already known to each other they will do their part of keeping the conversation alive if they are even a little bit interested in talking with you.
post #53 of 69
This is a pretty good thread. I don't like getting sappy or moppy in the interweb but I will say that I think I conquered my social awkwardness (and it was never really extreme) when I started getting involved in extra-curricular clubs at university. At first I was just in the back of the room, observing. I'd soon realize that there was a bit of a power vacuum, so I would volunteer to take on some sort of responsibility. Eventually this led to leadership roles and by the end of uni I was leader of several groups and quite well-known on campus. This translated well into the professional world, as I realized people are generally quite happy to talk to someone assertive who opens a conversation with them. Most people, especially in the professional world, and even women at bars, are willing to give you a few seconds to open, and if you're strong, your opportunity becomes greater.
post #54 of 69
This is a carryover from a watch forum I'm on, but it relates as well: All this time and effort we put into clothes is for not unless you're approachable. People would always ask "what watch gets you the most compliments?" but the watch itself isn't what's getting compliments, it's your attitude. No one is going to say "nice watch" to a guy who looks like a serial killer...but if you look friendly, they'll say "nice whatever" just so they can open a conversation with you. I think some people who are into clothes, watches, cars, whatever might think that simply looking good will attract people to them, but if you don't have an inviting attitude (smiling, eye contact, being inquisitive) then people won't have a chance to compliment you. Basically, when you're out in public, forget about your clothes (you know you're well dressed when you left the house, so stop thinking about it) and instead focus on your smile and attitude.
post #55 of 69
this thread is such valuable.

can save someone out of alot of time and hundreds of dollars seeing a therapist or shrink.
post #56 of 69
I am a classic introvert, in that I find large social gatherings exhausting, rather than stimulating. I have taught myself to be social, and like to think I do it pretty well, but I'll never be the type of person who enjoys hanging out in large groups. Accepting this was an important step for me -- now I view the meet-n-greet as a necessity, something I have to do, like a job. Otherwise, I can come off cold and distant, which was never my intention.

My interests tend toward the arcane and the academic, so I've learned to talk to other people on their own terms. This is something I'm thinking should be taught in schools, because many people seem to struggle with it. These days I'll often try to approach the shy/reserved when they're off standing in a corner, but there's nothing more maddening than trying to make chit chat with those who refuse to uphold their part of their conversational contract.
post #57 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Szeph el ratón View Post
What worked for me to reduce the panic I've felt when talking to strangers was when I talked to couples a little bit over my age at bars or cafes. You can chime in because you "accidentally" heard something they talked about or to the waiter and as they are already known to each other they will do their part of keeping the conversation alive if they are even a little bit interested in talking with you.

this is a phenomenon i noticed as well. it is easier to take part in a small social gathering when at least there is one other person in the room, i.e. 3 person group.
in this configuration, you can take your break when you want to because the other two can keep talking.

let say one person gets up and leaves you and the other person alone. now there is 2.
the air quickly cant turn a little more uncomfortable because now the other person 'has to focus on you wholly' thus bringing up tensions due to self consciousness and not wanting to disappoint and get 'rejected'
post #58 of 69
You could also try what I do: Apathy. Just don't give a sh*t. Of course you tend to come off as, you guessed it, apapthetic, but it works for reducing nervousness and anxiety. Won't make you a lot of friends however, if you don't care about making them.
post #59 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by longskate88 View Post
This is a carryover from a watch forum I'm on, but it relates as well:

All this time and effort we put into clothes is for not unless you're approachable.

People would always ask "what watch gets you the most compliments?" but the watch itself isn't what's getting compliments, it's your attitude. No one is going to say "nice watch" to a guy who looks like a serial killer...but if you look friendly, they'll say "nice whatever" just so they can open a conversation with you.

I think some people who are into clothes, watches, cars, whatever might think that simply looking good will attract people to them, but if you don't have an inviting attitude (smiling, eye contact, being inquisitive) then people won't have a chance to compliment you.

Basically, when you're out in public, forget about your clothes (you know you're well dressed when you left the house, so stop thinking about it) and instead focus on your smile and attitude.
Are you speaking of thekunk?
post #60 of 69
OP - you may be suffering from social anxiety disorder. It's annoying to read people posting things like "hmmm, maybe you're retarded?" Hmmm, maybe you're fortunately enough to not being going through what the OP is? I think everyone experiences social anxiety at one point or another, at different levels.
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