Initiating Conversation With Strangers - Page 3

Did you try a, smile not only with, your chompers ?

Perhaps a half wink, with your palm turned up, and open.

I used to have the same problem. I would be so busy of thinking of things to talk about, that I would quickly get awkward and the conversation would fall out.

What you have to do is not be so concerned. You get along with your friends well right? You are easy going and relaxed around them, take this same approach with strangers. Don't worry so much, and let it "flow", try to approach the situation with familiarity.

Like approaching girls, you're going to have some shootdowns before you get the hang of it and know how to handle yourself.

So get ready to fail, and then fail some more. That is, until you get the hang of it.

yeah, it comes naturally to some, less to others. I think the best approach - as various others have said above - is to just go out n join stuff. Try the stuff you have always wanted to try. Always wanted to try - I dunno - field hockey - go join a field hockey team. A degree of pride swallowing is implicit in trying new things, but everyone was a beginner once and everyone remembers what that was like, so suck it up and try it anyway. I kinda think being a beginner is a great way to make friends - you are automatically humble and non competitive. If you were a field hockey god in your old hometown, you are kinda threatening to the guys on the new team, can put people off side (no pun intended), may get a bit of resentment along the lines of 'so and so thinks he's the shit'. But go in as a beginner, laugh, be friendly and joke about your lack of coordination at your new pursuit, and people will laugh with you, help you out etc etc.

Cork used to be quite fashionable in the '70s.

I know this will sound like a broken record, but join clubs. I've been out of undergrad for a couple years and I'm hating life as a grad student. The social life past undergrad is almost non-existent. It is the one area I really regret in my life. Also, alcohol as a social lubricant can be a good idea, in moderation. You don't want to be "that guy" all the time. Although every now and then can be fun for everyone.

Just some thoughts.

Imagine walking into a store in a random part of town having to pick up something and get out. You ask a stocker where so and so is, and then a quick easy conversation starts up from both sides. Why is that? Because in both of your minds you're not trying to 'qualify' yourselves for any future contact or common interest. That employee knows you'll be gone in a minute, and so do you, so neither party is 'on guard' or defensive. Another example, say there's two groups of people standing on the street. One group is older guys, dressed in old construction clothing, scruffy, and even a bit tough looking. The other group is people you know you'd like to meet - talk like you, dress like you, etc. Which group would you find it easier to approach, and ask for directions or whatever? Most likely the first (undesirable) group, for similar reasons as the previous scenario. Both parties know subconsciously there's no chance of common interest or future relations. My advice is to have this mindset 24/7. Don't look at a group of 2 or 3 girls thinking 'gee I've got to find a topic and approach them with it', instead be completely neutral, as if there's no interest in them. You: "Where'd you guys get tickets for the show?" (don't even say excuse me) Them: we picked them up blah blah blah. As soon as you get the info or comment you need, act as if that's all you need and you're leaving, and make a comment about a NEUTRAL obsersation (and NOT about you or them, remember, no common ground.. as tempting as it may seem). You: Oh aright thanks...[point to a building] wow how long has this been under construction, 5 years..? (theyll like that because they won't feel targeted by some guy coming out of nowhere and putting the spot light on them) Them: blah blah I think that should get you started. Oh and this is coming from a shy person.

eka that is a very interesting take on socializing.


here is my problem at times i wonder if any of you can relate:

i have cycles or 'waves' rather of good sociality and low sociality. it ALWAYS comes in waves/cycles. when i am in a period of good sociality with my coworkers and acquaintances, i am confident, can conjure up great conversation, leave them interested in talking to me again, make people laugh, etc.

but then

i can always expect that low period coming around the corner. it never fails.
i get a period where i find it hard to socialize (with the same people, coworkers and acquaintances!), conversations end up being a bit awkward, they find or i find nothing really to talk about or convo going no where. they end up (or i feel or sense as though) they are going to avoid me or bump into me in hopes of not making any sort of gratuitous forced talk with me. i feel as they pass me up by my cubicle more , with a formal hello and then go talk to someone else near me they are more comfortable with. etc etc. i feel very self conscious during this time and i feel sort of reclusive as my reacting to it.

but then

i get back into the high sociality again, and for some reason it starts clicking and i get into the warm bath of good fun and talking and conversations and fun times again, 'hey lets go have lunch' and crap.


anyone else know what i am talking about? perhaps more the shy people may relate.

yeah i experience that to a certain degree. also, eka, it seems like your advice is to marginalize people who would otherwise make you insecure or nervous so that you can more successfully interact with them. is that bad? i don't know. does it work for you?

Group settings might be overwhelming if you're not well-versed in the art of conversation. However, if you're particularly good at some subject you might want to talk to the department head and offer tutoring services. That should net you a few acquaintances.

I joined many clubs in school and became very active in them and even President or Vice President of some. By being so active on campus, "I" became the person to know. I hardly was initiating conversations with strangers, but strangers were initiating conversations with me. Either or, even if you don't become President or hold a position, if you stay active in a few clubs, you will know everyone who is in that club, some of them will become very close friends. My other advice is to smile and say hi to girls. Very few people will not smile back and say hi. Only if they didn't hear you, or have an attitude will they not. I met alot of people like that, they next tiem i see them and say hi to them, she'll ask my name because i'm always saying hi to her and we take it from there. In your head you don't want to take blindly go up to people because you think its weird and that they will look at you weird. How many strangers have initiated conversations with you? Thousands! Only a handful have you thought were weird, because they was probably weird people holding a weird conversation. If a pretty girl said hi to you, you wouldn't think What the fuck is she talking to me for, get outta my face.

Once you're "in" talking about what people do for fun works great.

Same boat here. My University was near the top in the world for research in my field, meaning the professors were all terrible at teaching but really knew their stuff if you took the time to talk to them.

As I was more interested in chasing girls, getting wasted and going to 4-day long rave parties I never really took the time to talk to any of them and I sorely regret that.

Same with fellow students - I never spent much time with the hard working, smart, future world leader type students so don't have much of this "alumni network" thing everyone talks about (I'm sure I could still score some killer weed though, if I ever went back there )

Build a network, build relationships, do activities/sports/whatever. A few people told me that when I was in Uni, I told them I didn't need help making friends and went back to the pub for another triple vodka.

Oh, and sleep around. A lot. It's much harder to find casual relationships (or even the time for casual relationships) once you're out of college, especially with attractive 18-20 year olds.