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Relationship advice sought

post #1 of 16
3/31/08 at 5:54am
Thread Starter 
Hi Forum,

Feeling pretty down because of my girlfriend at the moment and wanted to hear some of your opinions on what's keeping me down... please be honest.

Well, here it is... I don't know if I am impatient, but I don't like the feeling of always being the first to arrive. By this I mean... for coffee, for lunch even a smoke break. For me, being punctual shows the other person that you care for their time, especially if it's someone you love.

This is what happened to me today, my girl calls me for a coffee... and she turns up 10 minutes late. Next, we meet for lunch and she is 10 minutes late. The reason here is she ran into some people and was chatting... I'm sorry, but so did I but I politely ended the conversation by saying that I have a lunch appointment to keep. Then, for our cigarette break, another 10 minutes late.

I know this sounds petty, but it impacts my day at work. All these little 10 minute slots add up at the end of the day. Am I wrong to feel this way? I have a feeling she is blind to this fact.

What can I do about this? Is it me needing to relax, or do I need to make a stand?

Your input is very much appreciated.

Thanks,

AL
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post #2 of 16
3/31/08 at 6:15am
OK, this one I can handle. I am terminally punctual and live in a country where such things are unheard of. Gio cao su for the sake of the VNese contingent here. Fact - Women are always late. There is no changing that, no combatting that, there will be apologies from her with explanations of exploding eyeshadow and all kinds of crap that isn't worth hearing. She will also be late next time. Lipstick emergency. Deal with it. The way to manage this is to budget your time around it. If you agree to lunch at 12.30, you know 12.45 is best you can hope for, arrive at like 12.43. For most people this will sound odd. For terminally punctual people like myself (and I suspect you), this is just a matter of picking an appointed time that happens to end in a three not a zero. You walk in at that time, she comes in two minutes after you, and commences her apology, which you basically ignore, just as you would if you had been sitting there waiting. On the odd occasion that she is on-time (and you are ten minutes late), you will be abused for keeping her waiting. Wear that once in a while abuse, cos it stings less than sitting idle in restaurants all the time.
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post #3 of 16
3/31/08 at 6:34am
this reminds me of a quote I read a while back:

"People who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them"

Speaking from the other side (I'm the one who is always late in my relationship), I can assure you that she doesn't do it on purpose...and that she cares for you all the same.

My girlfriend similarly was driven nuts by my constant lateness (she is militarily precise) ... but she learned to ease up and I learned to leave the house/office earlier when meeting her to ensure I had have enough time...I'm not saying I've got it down pat yet but after almost 5 years of being together the complaining about my lateness ceased many years ago...

To ease the frustration in the meantime, ask her to update you if she's going to be late via a quick txt ... and does at m@t suggested and just be a few minutes late yourself ...
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post #4 of 16
3/31/08 at 6:40am
Thread Starter 
I agree with adding in a little buffer, but should I speak out my feeling? I don't want to come across as being petty... but I was raised to respect other people's time and I do this by being punctual. It's ever frustrating.
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post #5 of 16
3/31/08 at 6:49am
Nope. You will never win. Trust me, Ive tried. Never won. If-and-when this girl and you end your relationship, she will be replaced with another woman who...guess what....will be a late-arriver. Being late is hardwired into estrogen. Telling her about it will not suddenly make it disappear. You can try...and then you will fight about how you dont understand the demands of her day and <assorted noise>. She will then win this argument, and lunch will suck. Alternately, you may (maaaaay) win this argument. At which point, lunch will reeaaaally suck. Then she will be late tomorrow, because, despite all your protesting, the next day dawns, and she is still a woman. All you can do is agree 12.30 and then reset your head, Outlook, phone calendar, and everything else to say 12.43. Once you have done that, then it hardly feels like she was late at all. Anything else makes fights and changes nothing.
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post #6 of 16
3/31/08 at 8:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by m@T View Post
The way to manage this is to budget your time around it. If you agree to lunch at 12.30, you know 12.45 is best you can hope for, arrive at like 12.43. For most people this will sound odd. For terminally punctual people like myself (and I suspect you), this is just a matter of picking an appointed time that happens to end in a three not a zero. You walk in at that time, she comes in two minutes after you, and commences her apology, which you basically ignore, just as you would if you had been sitting there waiting. On the odd occasion that she is on-time (and you are ten minutes late), you will be abused for keeping her waiting. Wear that once in a while abuse, cos it stings less than sitting idle in restaurants all the time.
This is great practical wisdom.
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post #7 of 16
3/31/08 at 9:49am
"People who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them" +1
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post #8 of 16
3/31/08 at 11:39am
In addition to following m@t's advice, I always carry something to read. That way, if the barista isn't worth checking out/chatting up, my time isn't wasted.
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post #9 of 16
3/31/08 at 11:56am
"girlfriend of the moment" are words that should be seriously contemplated and act accordingly.
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post #10 of 16
3/31/08 at 12:03pm
Good advice on all counts.

Mrs. T was 20 minutes late for our first date - lunch, no less - whe was coming from school, and at 15 minutes I seriously considered bailing. But she had a great rack and a pretty smile so I forgave her. (this was pre-cell-phone ubiquity)

She was 20 minutes late for our first dinner date (we lived an hour's drive apart), but I forgave her and went along.

Eventally I started picking her up at her folks' place, and then it was a matter of making idle chit-chat with her folks for the 20 minutes it took her to get ready.

I quickly adjusted and told her 12:10 when I meant 12:30. Worked out fine.
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post #11 of 16
3/31/08 at 1:44pm
m@t's advice is spot-on. And to maintain your own equilibrium, put any notion of "changing" her out of your mind. Late people are only late on someone else's clock; in their world they are right on time.
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post #12 of 16
4/1/08 at 10:48am
It's important to figure out what the literal act of being late and what the symbolic act of being late are to you and how much you care about both. If you feel like she's disrespecting you, that's a lot different than sitting around bored at a restaurant waiting and being peeved about that. Talking to her about it isn't going to fix anything, but if you're feeling disrespected just a little, telling your partner that will at least get it off your chest. The conversation, in that case, would be about how you feel, not hurry your damn ass up. I err on the side of communication over no communication.
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post #13 of 16
4/1/08 at 11:09am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thomas View Post
Good advice on all counts.

I quickly adjusted and told her 12:10 when I meant 12:30. Worked out fine.

My wife is also a stickler for arriving on time- but in the past when I've dated the chronically late, I'd just tell them to get there at an earlier time- this works
especially well if they're always late by the same amount.
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post #14 of 16
4/1/08 at 1:44pm
I don't buy this 'women are always late' schtick. My fiancee is on time for everything--even if it takes her a long time to get ready. Being late every now and then is inevitable. But when it's a systemic problem and it's for the sake of socializing with others (i.e. chatting), it impacts your life in a significant way and suggests that she doesn't value your time as much as she values her own (that's why it would bother me, at least).

I'd talk to her about it and let her know how you feel. Maybe she just needs to see that it bothers you.
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post #15 of 16
4/1/08 at 1:51pm
Depends, is this woman LTR material? I am a punctually freak but I don't impose my standards on other people that much. I would not freak out if it's ten minutes late. If it was 30 min, I would get concerned.

If I show up on time and my date is a little late, I take the moment to relax before she arrives.
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