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The joke thread - Page 7

post #91 of 270
Quote:
What is this? YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Answer: The French Army going into battle
Thank you, I finally figured out the real reason for the less than stellar performance of the French armed services over the past 100 years or so: Supply Sargeant: "Here, put this on" French Soldier: "Are you kidding? Brown and green? Is for FARMER....."
post #92 of 270
A hobo was talking about his adventures to a buddy. "Yeah, just last week, me and another guy were walking along the train tracks, and we saw a naked woman tied to the rails." "Whoa-- so what did you do?" "Well naturally, we untied her. Then we screwed the **** out of her." "Excellent. You get a blow job, too?" "Funny thing about that. We never did find the head."
post #93 of 270
A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home." "That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this." The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the Cajun. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH." "What fish?" We in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but we aren't as dumb as most.
post #94 of 270
Lindsay: A game warden noticed that for two straight weeks every boat was coming into the dock with a light catch if any... except for two old cajuns who were consistantly coming in with a cooler filled with fish. Suspicious, he asked to join them the next morning. After cruising out wayyyyyyy into the lake they cut the engine. The game warden began to bait his line as the old cajuns laughed at him. One old man pulls a stick of dynamite out, lights it and tosses it as far as he can. After the explosion they cruise over and net out their 'catch'. The game warden shakes his head and says "Dangit fellas, you know good and damned well that I have to arrest you for dynamitin' them fish, right?" One old man gives the other a knowing smile, lights another stick of dynamite, hands it to the game warden and says "Son, you wanna sit here and talk or are you gonna fish?"
post #95 of 270
This joke thread is a joke. Written jokes never come across as good as a verbal joke. Lets retire this thread please. From: the shooman.
post #96 of 270
i reckon it's the coriolus effect messing up the jokes for you.
post #97 of 270
More tasteless Michael Jackson... What's in common between Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart? Boy's pants half off. (courtesy of my buddy's GF)
post #98 of 270
Quote:
This joke thread is a joke. Written jokes never come across as good as a verbal joke. Lets retire this thread please. From: the shooman.
'Course they don't. But of course that's missing the point -- read it here, tell your friends, promote the grand tradition of storytelling. All that jazz. Actually the Michelle joke has worked very well for me -- it is so lame everyone laughs. :-) Regards, Huntsman edit: To fix misdirected sentence
post #99 of 270
Ok here is goes... Three guys die basically at the sametime only to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter is standing outside. He walks over to them with a distraught look on his face and announces. "Unfortunately, Heaven is near its capacity at the moment and therefore I can only let one of you guys in." The guys look at St. Peter and then at the guy standing next to them and ask. "Well, how are you going to determine which one of us gets to get in?" "Here's the deal," says Peter, "I'll let in the guy that has died in the worst way. Lets start with you." As St. Pete points to a guy in a biking suit. "So there I was riding my new exercise bike on the balcony of my condo and all of the sudden one of the springs pops and sends me flying off the balcony. Next thing I know I'm falling but manage somehow to grab hold of the balcony some three stories down from me. As I'm holding on screaming for help a man in a suit comes to the balcony, and steps on my hands. Naturally I fall to the ground but figure I've only broken a couple of bones in the process. Next thing I know, I look up and a fridge is making its way toward me. Before I can hobble out of the way it hits me and I die." "God, how awful," proclaims St. Pete, "that story is going to be hard to top. Sir, how about you?" As St. Pete points to a man in a suit. "Well I'll tell you what happened. So I decide to surprise my wife and come home early. As I enter the house I hear quite a commotion in the bedroom, she's screwing another GUY... So I make some noise and I hear someone scuttle around heading for the balcony. I follow, only to find the bastard hanging from the balcony screaming at my wife for her to help. Hit by a sudden blind rage I stomp on his hands and watch as he spirals to the ground. As he hits I notice that he is still alive, not having any of that I walk into the kitchen, pick up the fridge and hoist it over my head. As I begin to throw it down I loose my balance and drop 5 stories to my death." "Holy smokes," exclaims Peter, "I think we have a winner. Congrats, your in." "Um excuse me, excuse me," murmurs a man shivering naked, "don't I get to tell my story." "Well, sure go ahead, but I don't have all day." "Come closer please." As the naked man motions to St. Pete "Ok, what is it?" "So I'm in this refrigerator...."
post #100 of 270
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."



The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"



The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it."
post #101 of 270
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
post #102 of 270
This old lady is feeling kind of lonely, so she says, "You know what? I'm going to pick up some guys." She takes off all her clothes, puts a trench coat on, and walks into a bar. She sees three young guys drinking. She walks up to the first, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!" He screams, "Oh, my God, that's disgusting!" and runs away. She walks up to the second guy, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!" He runs to the bathroom to throw up. She approaches the third guy, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!" He looks her up and down and says, "I'll have the soup."
post #103 of 270
A point of view... Barbara Walters of Television's
> 20/20 did a story on
> >gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years
> before the Afghan
> >conflict.. She noted that women customarily walked
> 5 paces behind their
> >husbands.
> >She recently returned to Kabul and observed that
> women still walk behind
> >their husbands. From Miss Walter's vantage point,
> despite the overthrow of
> >the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem
> to walk even further
> back
> >behind their husbands and are happy to maintain
> the old custom.
> >Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women
> and asked, "Why do you
> now
> >seem happy with the old custom that you once tried
> so desperately to
> >change?"
> >The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the
> eyes, and without
> hesitation,
> >said, "Land Mines."

> >BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.
>
post #104 of 270
Mr. Johnson stopped by his local drug store and while he was there he spotted a new condom ad by Durex promoting the 2010 winter olympics in Vancouver. For a limited time only, Durex was offering gold, silver, and bronze colored condoms for the olympian in every man. Excited, mr. Johnson buys a package of each color and rushes home to his wife and exclaims, "honey, tonight I'm going to be a gold medalist in the sack. A true olympic champion!". Mrs. Johnson ponders this for a moment and responds by asking her husband to wear the silver colored condom instead of the gold one. Mr. Johnson is confused by her request and asks her why she is being so particuler. "Well dear", she responds, "for once I'd you to come second". "I'd like you to come second for once."
post #105 of 270
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a
drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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