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The joke thread - Page 6

post #76 of 270
A couple of guys are sitting at a bar when a pirate walks in, decked out: parrot, tricorner hat, eye patch, the whole nine yards. He also has a ship's wheel affixed to his belt buckle. "That's something you don't see every day," says the one guy to the other. The pirate is clearly having difficulty because of the huge wheel centered at his groin. He has to slip sideways through the door, and getting onto a barstool is quite a production. The two guys decide they have to say something. As the pirate is reaching through the spokes of the ship's wheel for his rum, the guy asks, "Hey, pirate, what's the deal with the wheel? Isn't that a pain?" Says the pirate, "Yarr, it's drivin me nuts."
post #77 of 270
Hey...'Tis the Season... Jimmy was upset...His seats at the Superbowl were all the way up and he couldnt see anything.  In the middle of the first quarter he scans the crowd with his binoculars, spots an empty seat at the 50 yard line and he figures what the heck worst thing that can happen is he gets thrown back to his original seat.  He makes the trek down and asks the guy in the seat next to it if the seat is occupied. "No", he answers, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", sais Jimmy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?" Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."
post #78 of 270
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied,"Mom I'm forty years old unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm forty years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband, Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later. , the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
post #79 of 270
You Know Your In A Redneck Church...... You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church... IF the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. IF people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. WHEN the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. IF opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. IF a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." IF the choir is known as the "OK Chorale". WHEN in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. IF Baptism is referred to as "branding". IF high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. IF people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. IF the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. IF the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. IF the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. IF instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. IF the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. IF the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill". IF "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too. IF the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now.. Ya Hear"
post #80 of 270
The Ball In my hand I hold a ball White and dimpled and rather small Oh, how bland it does appear This harmless looking little sphere. By it's size I could not guess The awesome strength it does possess: But since I fell beneath it's spell I've wandered through the fires of hell. My life has not been quite the same Since I chose to play this game It rules my mind for hours on end A fortune it has made me spend. It has made me curse and cry I hate myself and want to die It promises a thing called "par" If I can hit it straight and far. To master such a tiny ball Should not be very hard at all. But my desires the ball refuses And does exactly what it chooses. It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies Or disappears before my eyes. Often it will have a whim To hit a tree or take a swim. With miles of grass on which to land It finds a tiny patch of sand, Then has me offering up my soul If it will just drop in the hole. Its made me whimper like a pup, And swear that I will give it up And take to drink to ease my sorrow.. But 'THE BALL' knows... I'll be back....tomorrow.
post #81 of 270
Thread Starter 
Here's an offensive one: what do michael jackson and caviar(sp?) have in common? they both come on little white crackers.
post #82 of 270
Wow, what a great way to revive this thread. I'll get a lot of mileage out of that one.
post #83 of 270
The Geography of a Woman: - Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. - Between the ages of 21-30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars. - Between the ages of 30-35 a woman is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of it's own beauty. - Between the ages of 35-40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. - Between the ages of 40-50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. - Between the ages of 50-60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. - Between the ages of 60-70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future. - After 70 she is like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there. Geography of a man Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
post #84 of 270
Probably longer than its worth. This version plagiarized from Ted Leo: A guy dies and goes up to heaven. St. Peter is giving him the grand tour of the Grounds, and he says, "So, what were you into back on earth? Like, what were your hobbies and shit?" And the guy says, "Well, I was a musician." So St. Peter says, "Oh Jeez -- well come on. You know what they say about how Heaven must have one Hell of a band and all that -- this is the place for YOU, my brother. As a matter of fact, there's a show about to get underway down at the Celestial Auditorium. You wanna check it out?" Guy: "Hullz yeah." St. P.: "Well let's get it awn." So they go down to the Celestial Auditorium, and the guy's jaw immediately drops to the floor -- on stage, starting the show is someone playing the most rippingest version of the "Star Spangled Banner" ever, and the dead guys is like, "Oh my Gawd. It's Jimmy Hendrix." And St. Pete is all, "Totally. Here come the drums -- check it..." And he hears, like, DUH-DUH-BAP. DUH-DUH-DUH-BAP. And he realizes, "Holy schniekies -- it's friggin' Bonham." And Saint Pete's playin' it cool, but he's like, "Yup. But wait for it... Now dig the bass." Ding-diggaddy-ding-diggaddy-ding-diggaddy-ding-ding-doomb.. "No way -- it's The Ox. John Entwistle -- he's my favorite.." Then the singer comes out and starts belting, "eeeeyah-hooooooo-hoo-hoo-hoooooo. Hoooo-ho-ho-ho." And the dead guy is really puzzled because it's obviously Bono, so he turns to St. Peter and says, "But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute -- Bono's not dead, is he?" And St. Peter sighs and says, "No no no -- that's Jesus -- he just thinks he's Bono."
post #85 of 270
Thread Starter 
Oh my, that's a great one Shoreman
post #86 of 270
Whats the best part about having sex with a pregnant chick? You get head at the same time Kinda disturbing but funny none the less
post #87 of 270
this is a long one but i can't sleep so here it goes. it was originally told to me by a girl, in spanish, but i think the humor is universal: there's this guy with 3 girlfriends, and one day he decides that he wants to get married, but he can't decide which of the girls he wants. so he decides to give each of them $10k and see what they do with the money. he goes to the first gf and gives her the money. she goes shopping and buys herself a dress, make-up, jewelry, she has her hair done, etc... then she goes back to him and says, "my love, i've made myself beautiful for you because i love you so much and i want to give you pleasure. let us to be happy together." he goes to the second gf and gives her the money. she goes shopping and buys him a watch, some ties, some liquor, and cigars, etc... then she goes back to him and says, "my love, i've brought you these things because all i want is to make you happy. i put you before everything else." he goes to the third gf and gives her the money. she invests the money in the stock market and it triples overnight so she cashes in some of the stocks and returns to the man with $10k. she then says, "my love here is your $10k back, we now have $10k worth of stock and $10k in the bank. with this money we can build our future together. all i want is for us to be happy." so the man goes home and ponders his decision. after weighing the pros and cons of the situations and after much soul searching and deep thought he comes to a conclusion. so which one did he pick? the one with the best ass... because that's the way men are.
post #88 of 270
If Wal-Mart is cutting prices everyday, why is nothing free yet?
post #89 of 270
Where in America can you see 100 white men chasing a black man without it causing any claims of racism? ...The Masters
post #90 of 270
Quote:
Where in America can you see 100 white men chasing a black man without it causing any claims of racism?
I was gonna say The Boston Marathon.
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