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The joke thread - Page 5

post #61 of 270
Two French moths meet in a piece of cashmere.  One says to the other: - You sure look thin.  What happened to you?  Are you sick? - I spent the summer on a piece of tweed. - Tweed?  That's good quality fabric, I don't understand. - Oh, you know, British cooking...
post #62 of 270
Not the most tasteful but oh well... A Catholic priest, a lawyer and a boy scout are on a plane. All of a sudden the engines die and the pilot comes out and tells them all that the plane is going to crash and they only have one parachute. The pilot looks at them all and says: "I think we should give the parachute to the boy scout. He's the youngest and has the most to live for." The lawyer says "F*ck him" The Catholic priest: "Do we have time?"
post #63 of 270
And we all know what Priest stands for: Paedophile Resident In Every Small Town
post #64 of 270
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just pee in the street. 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN 1. You can call MacDonalds a restaurant. 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer. 4. You can be a crook and still be president. 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7. You get to be really obese. 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. 10a. When you're not. 10b. At all. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup. 2. Proper beer. 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket. 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events. 5. Union jack underpants. 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer. 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not. 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh. 10a. Or Scottish. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns. 4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d. 5. Can wear sunglasses indoors. 6. Political stability. 7. Flexible working hours. 8. Live near the Pope. 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair. 10. Country run by crooks. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN 1. Chicken Madras. 2. Lamb Passanda. 3. Onion Bhaji. 4. Bombay Potato. 5. Chicken Tikka Masala. 6. Rogan Josh. 7. Popadoms. 8. Chicken Dopiaza. 9. Meat Boona. 10. Kingfisher lager. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH 1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you? TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH 1. Guinness. 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives. 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road. 4. Pubs never close. 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before. 7. Kill people you don't agree with. 8. Stew. 9. More Guinness. 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN 1. It beats being an American. 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge ****off shotguns and cover your house in their skins. 9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme. 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
post #65 of 270
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, and have a pint of real beer. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...no public lavatories. He really, really has to go, after all the beer he drank. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a policeman, who says, "You can't do that here, or I'll have to arrest you." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I'm bursting, and there don't seem to be any public facilities around here." The policeman thinks for a second, decides to be generous, and says to the tourist: 'Follow me." He takes the American up to a wrought iron gate and points inside: "There you are, sir. You can relieve yourself in there." The American goes through the gate and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman "That was really decent of you ....I guess that's what's known as British Hospitality" "No, sir" replied the copper, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That's what's known as the French Embassy."
post #66 of 270
What is this? YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Answer: The French Army going into battle
post #67 of 270
The judge to the accused: - In my lifetime, I have seen horrible characters, but someone like you, that beats it all. How could you do it? Raping a dead woman, it's atrocious. - But your honor, I didn't know she was dead, I thought she was English.
post #68 of 270
The Strength of the Catholic School System Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't f#*king around."
post #69 of 270
Quote:
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just pee in the street. 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN 1. You can call MacDonalds a restaurant. 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer. 4. You can be a crook and still be president. 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7. You get to be really obese. 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. 10a. When you're not. 10b. At all. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup. 2. Proper beer. 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket. 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events. 5. Union jack underpants. 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer. 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not. 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh. 10a. Or Scottish. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns. 4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d. 5. Can wear sunglasses indoors. 6. Political stability. 7. Flexible working hours. 8. Live near the Pope. 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair. 10. Country run by crooks. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN 1. Chicken Madras. 2. Lamb Passanda. 3. Onion Bhaji. 4. Bombay Potato. 5. Chicken Tikka Masala. 6. Rogan Josh. 7. Popadoms. 8. Chicken Dopiaza. 9. Meat Boona. 10. Kingfisher lager. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH 1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you? TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH 1. Guinness. 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives. 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road. 4. Pubs never close. 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before. 7. Kill people you don't agree with. 8. Stew. 9. More Guinness. 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN 1. It beats being an American. 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge ****off shotguns and cover your house in their skins. 9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme. 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
I have a couple to add to that list: TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH 1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them. 2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer. 3 a. You can legally kill yourself b. You can legally be killed 4 You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you. 5 You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital..... 6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition. 7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country 8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbors 9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans. 10 Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN 1 You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly. 2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country. 3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer. 4 You are either a. like the Dutch, just less efficient b. like the French, just less romantic c. like the Germans 5 Decent fries . Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer. 6 No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you. 7 More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade. 8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares 9 All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders 10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it? TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN: 1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world. 2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer. 3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half. 4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope. 5. You can go skiing in your knickers. 6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football. 7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere. 8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious. 9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you. 10. You can actually get bored with blondes. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN : 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. OK, let's give them a second chance 1. Oktoberfest. 2. Okotberfest-beer. 3. BMW. 4. Porsche 5. Mercedes-Benz 6. Audi. 7. On a motorway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world. 8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language. 9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious. 10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
post #70 of 270
This isn't a joke. I sent the top ten lists by ViroBono and Roy to a bunch of friends, and one of them, a German, chose to reply by personally insulting me. Good thing I didn't send him a gift this year. To think that I've known him 10 years. To think that he's known me 10 years.
post #71 of 270
Quote:
This isn't a joke. I sent the top ten lists by ViroBono and Roy to a bunch of friends, and one of them, a German, chose to reply by personally insulting me.   Good thing I didn't send him a gift this year.  To think that I've known him 10 years.  To think that he's known me 10 years.
Have you ever seen a program called Clarkson Meets the Neighbours? It's about this British TV-host that visits the other European countries. When he was visiting Germany he was quite shocked about their ability to not smile during the entire day. He actually visited a 'Lach-kirche' or laughing church. They organise group sessions where they all laugh together for no good reason. Just for laughing... He eventually put it like this: "It is a myth that Germans don't laugh, you just have to tell them when and where".
post #72 of 270
I often feel like there are things one just doesn't do, in Germany, and that the consequences will be dire. I speak German, so it isn't because I misunderstand what is happening around me. I just don't spend enough time there to fully grasp the culture. I sent my message to several French, Italian, Norwegian, British, American and Czech nationals. I hesitated a split second before adding his name to the email, same thing when it came to another German friend (a woman). I guess that is telling.
post #73 of 270
Quote:
I often feel like there are things one just doesn't do, in Germany, and that the consequences will be dire.  I speak German, so it isn't because I misunderstand what is happening around me.  I just don't spend enough time there to fully grasp the culture. I sent my message to several French, Italian, Norwegian, British, American and Czech nationals. I hesitated a split second before adding his name to the email, same thing when it came to another German friend (a woman).  I guess that is telling.
I'm off skiing in Austria. There are a lot of German buddies of mine that are coming down also. I'll confront them with the list. I hope I will be able to inform you of the result.
post #74 of 270
Q. What is the difference between a seagull and a puppy dog? A. A seagull flits across the shore. Q. What is the difference between a baby and a choir master? A. A baby sucks it's fingers. And my personal favourite at the moment, especially after the thread regarding wearing perfume on the clothing board. Q. Why do women wear perfume and makeup? A. Because they are ugly and they smell.
post #75 of 270
Quote:
Quote:
(Fabienne @ 23 Dec. 2004, 01:11) I often feel like there are things one just doesn't do, in Germany, and that the consequences will be dire.  I speak German, so it isn't because I misunderstand what is happening around me.  I just don't spend enough time there to fully grasp the culture. I sent my message to several French, Italian, Norwegian, British, American and Czech nationals. I hesitated a split second before adding his name to the email, same thing when it came to another German friend (a woman).  I guess that is telling.
I'm off skiing in Austria. There are a lot of German buddies of mine that are coming down also. I'll confront them with the list. I hope I will be able to inform you of the result.
Also, Roy, haben sie gelacht, oder waren sie auch boese? Never heard back from the one German friend. My German lady friend wrote, but didn't ackowledge the jokes. Probably the best thing she could do, if she felt they were inappropriate.
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