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The joke thread - Page 3

post #31 of 269
My wife loves this: One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
post #32 of 269
Q: If mothers have mother's day, and fathers have father's day, what do single guys have? A: PALM SUNDAY. The Boss When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be the Boss. The Brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be Boss". The Hand said, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be Boss". The Eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be Boss." And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, the Feet, the Lungs, and finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be the Boss. All other parts laughed at the idea of the Asshole being Boss. The Asshole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak, the Hands hung limply at the side, the Heart and Lungs struggled just to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just bossed around and passed out a lot of shit. The Moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be the boss. You just have to be an asshole.
post #33 of 269
One day two men went camping.One of the men got bitten by a snake on the tip of his dick.He said" Call a doctor with the cellular and ask him what should we do. Then he told the doctor his friend got bitten by a snake. The doctor replied "You have to suck the poison out or he'll die in 12 hours. The other asked what did the doctor say. He said "You're going to die in 12 hours". Royal Wedding: On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
post #34 of 269
The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: 1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T. 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 15) Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys. a little crude but funny A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole.", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it." says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first."
post #35 of 269
Quotes from George Carlin: 1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 3. How is it possible to have a civil war? 4. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 8. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 9. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 10. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 11. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? 12. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? 13. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 14. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 15. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 16. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 17. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 18. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it.
post #36 of 269
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them slips. As he falls, his gun goes off, wounding the other hunter. Frantic, he calls 911. Explaining the situation to the operator, he says "I'm afraid that I've killed him. What should I do?" She says, "Don't panic, Sir. First, could you make sure he's really dead?" Long silence on the line, ended by a sudden "BLAM." The hunter comes back. "OK-- now what?"
post #37 of 269
For conoisseurs of Kuhnian paradigm shifts: Two truckers were driving down the interstate late at night. In the opposite direction, a station wagon slows down and rolls down the window. There is a "splat" against the truck's windshield, and something rolls off into the bushes. [This joke was easier to tell without explanation when the Bobbitt case was still in the press.] Trucker #1, rubbing his eyes sleepily: "What the hell kind of mosquito was that?" Trucker #2: I don't know either, but did you see the size of his ****?
post #38 of 269
And the all-time best stupid joke, guaranteed. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? . . . . . . It was dead.
post #39 of 269
What's the difference between Paris Hilton and the Yankees? Paris doesn't choke on the big ones.
post #40 of 269
Already out of date: What do you call 25 guys watching the world series? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Yankees.
post #41 of 269
All of this is wonderful fodder for the party I'll be attending in about half an hour, haha.  I LOVED the cornball "Atom Collision" joke.  On that note, the beginning of my contribution... Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own? Because it's two tired.. ===================== A bear walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" "A gin..................... and tonic." "What's with the big pause?" "I don't know, but my dad had 'em, too..."
post #42 of 269
As the Jewish holidays approached, two friends, Saul and Jacob decided it would be nice to have new suits. So, off they went one afternoon to see Mr. Pinkus, their tailor. Saul and Jacob had decided that a nice black suit would be appropriate and proceeded to look at fabrics. This is a wonderful fabric remarked Mr. Pinkus and the price is right. The fabric being shown to them, to their eyes did not look black but Mr. Pinkus swore that it was. They trusted Mr. Pinkus word and had their suit made to be picked up in two weeks. The friends picked up their suits on the promised date. While walking away from the tailor shop, Saul said to Jacob, this fabric still does not look black to me. At the moment he said this, two nuns were walking ahead of them and were wearing traditional black habits. Jacob said to Saul, I,ll be right back and he hurried up to the side of the nuns and held the fabric against their gowns. The nuns were amused by this behavior and one said to the other, what was that all about? She said she had no idea what it was all about but stated that she heard the two friends remark in disgusted tone." Pinkus F#@*ed us. "
post #43 of 269
Guy walks into a bar in DC, sees Rumsfeld and the Pres sitting in a dark corner. This guy isn't entirely sure of himself, so he checks with the bartender--"yeah, that's them" grunts the barman. Now, this is the guy's regular bar, and he's never seen such distinguished personalities there before, so he figures it's time to take advantage of the situation. He walks over, introduces himself, and says, "Gentlemen, it's such an honor to see you here. Mind if I ask what you're doing in such an out-of-the way bar?" Bush looks around a little bit, kind of lowers his voice to a husky drawl. "Well," he says, "we're planning the next war in Iraq." The guy can't believe he's getting such an earful, so he pulls up a chair and leans in close. "Oh yeah? Tell me about the war." So Bush positively whispers this time, "We're going to kill a hundred million Iraqis. And one bicycle repairman." Our guy is a little astonished--"Why are we going to kill a bicycle repairman?" Bush straightens up, gives Rummy a playful punch on the shoulder, and says, "See dummy, I told you no one's gonna care about the hundred million Iraqis."
post #44 of 269
why did the blond stare at a can of frozen orange juice for hours and hours? -the can said "concentrate"
post #45 of 269
why did ron artest leave the game early? he wanted to beat the crowd. ba-dum-ch
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