or Connect
Styleforum › Forums › Culture › Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel › The joke thread
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

The joke thread - Page 18

post #256 of 270
Why did the boy fall of the swing?

Because he had no arms.


Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.
post #257 of 270
So, a team of three explorers were captured in the rainforest by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals told each explorer to search the forest and return in an hour with 10 pieces of the same fruit - that would be their only salvation. Any explorer that didn't return with fruit would be hunted down and eaten.

The first explorer returned with 10 apples. The cannibals told him upon his return that the final test was this: all ten of his fruit would be inserted into his rectum - if he so much as flinched, he would be killed and eaten. Explorer 1 lasted two apples before he winced and was killed and eaten.

The second explorer returned with 10 berries. Same test, and the first nine berries went in without incident, until Explorer 2 started laughing. Explorer 2 was then also killed and eaten.

When Explorer 2 got to heaven, Explorer 1 was waiting for him and asked "What the hell? You were about to be set free and you started laughing??? What was so funny?"

Explorer 2 answered "I saw the third guy coming back. He had pineapples."
post #258 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thomas View Post
So, a team of three explorers were captured in the rainforest by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals told each explorer to search the forest and return in an hour with 10 pieces of the same fruit - that would be their only salvation. Any explorer that didn't return with fruit would be hunted down and eaten.

The first explorer returned with 10 apples. The cannibals told him upon his return that the final test was this: all ten of his fruit would be inserted into his rectum - if he so much as flinched, he would be killed and eaten. Explorer 1 lasted two apples before he winced and was killed and eaten.

The second explorer returned with 10 berries. Same test, and the first nine berries went in without incident, until Explorer 2 started laughing. Explorer 2 was then also killed and eaten.

When Explorer 2 got to heaven, Explorer 1 was waiting for him and asked "What the hell? You were about to be set free and you started laughing??? What was so funny?"

Explorer 2 answered "I saw the third guy coming back. He had pineapples."


A friend told this one to me - just the last explorer returned with coconuts in his version
post #259 of 270
Good one, Thomas (and talk about a classic, RSS *grin*). Adding a joke in light of a convo here about car problems, which made me think to share a little joke that's been floating around that's somewhat related to the subject of car woes; it's entitled: "If Microsoft made cars" ... source: http://www.jokesunlimited.com/jokes/...made_cars.html (probably a Mac User, but here goes and enjoy!) If Microsoft Made Cars At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Everytime the car maker introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
post #260 of 270
This thread has ruined tomorrow. I love it!
post #261 of 270
post #262 of 270
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
post #263 of 270
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
post #264 of 270
Mama's little baby loves shortening bre
post #265 of 270

My Swiss:

 

A german guy goes to a swiss bank, for example UBM. At the counter he whispers:" I' d like to apply 800.000€."

 

The financier answers:" You don' t need to whisper, ... poverty is not a shame in Switzerland."

 

 

 

My aged one:

 

Two 60 year old (sacks) sitting in a bar.

 

First one asks the other:" How did you get that 20 year old model to marry you?"

 

He answers:"I told her ... I am 90."

 

 

 

Grüße

 

Lansknecht BenHei

post #266 of 270
interrupting cow.
post #267 of 270
three little chinese men worked in a mine. one would chip away at the coal, a second would carry the coal to the surface, and the third generally hung around and minded the supplies. one day, the mine owner came in to check up on things. he watched the first one chipping away at the coal, and nodded approvingly. he watched the second one scurrying back and forth to the surface, and nodded approvingly. but then he frowned, not being able to find the third. he looked all around and was beginning to get cross, about to ask the other two where this third loafer was while they were working so hard, when suddenly, the third man jumped out from behind a cabinet and shouted

"Supplise!"
post #268 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by Douglas View Post

little chinese men

redundant, no? confused.gif
post #269 of 270
perhaps, someday, when you emerge from your urban jewish hipster cocoon, you will learn that, in addition to being inscrutable, chinese people prounounce their "R" sounds like "L" sounds.
post #270 of 270
Fluctuations.

An old Asian lady is in the bank trying to exchange her yen for dollars. She's getting a little irritated with the bored and distracted teller. "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunna dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunnat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "fluctuations".

The Asian lady snarls back, "Fluc choo white people too!".
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
Styleforum › Forums › Culture › Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel › The joke thread