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The joke thread - Page 15

post #211 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by X-It View Post
English Phrase - Chinese Phrase I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat. Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao. Stupid Man. - Dum Gai. Small Horse; - Tai Ni Po Ni. Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni. It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim. Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting? An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching. I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King. You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum. I got this for free. - Ai No Pei. I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi? Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao? They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum. Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo. He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka. Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu. Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English Phrase - Korean Phrase Are you a model? - Bang Mi
post #212 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by amerikajinda View Post

English Phrase - Korean Phrase


Are you a model? - Bang Mi

English Phrase - Korean Phrase

I think you need a facelift. - Young Mi

Gosh!
post #213 of 270
A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"
post #214 of 270
Southern Medical Terms

B
Benign -- What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria -- Back door to cafeteria.
Barium -- What doctors do when patients die.

C
Cesarean Section -- A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan -- Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her.
Colic -- A sheep dog.
Coma -- A punctuation mark.

D
D&C -- Where Washington is.
Dilate -- To live long.

E
Enema -- Not a friend.

F
Fester -- Quicker than someone else.
Fibula -- A small lie.

G
Genital -- Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series -- World Series of military baseball.

H
Hangnail -- What you hang your coat on.

I
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known.

L
Labor Pain -- Getting hurt at work.

M
Medical Staff -- A Doctor's cane.
Morbid -- A higher offer than I bid.

N
Nitrates -- Cheaper than day rates.
Node -- I knew it.

O
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted.

P
Pelvis -- Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative -- A letter carrier.

R
Recovery Room -- Place to do upholstery.

S
Secretion -- Hiding something
Seizure -- Roman emperor.

T
Tablet -- A small table.
Terminal Illness -- Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor -- More than one.

V
Varicose -- Near by/close by.
post #215 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by X-It View Post
English Phrase - Chinese Phrase

I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat.

Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao.

Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.

Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.

It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim.

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.

I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.

You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.

I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.

I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.

He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu.

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?



Quote:
Originally Posted by X-It View Post
A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

i'm going to use this one, thanks.
post #216 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by matadorpoeta View Post



i'm going to use this one, thanks.

Well, I'm glad you can use it.
post #217 of 270
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big deal in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, well I've only been with one guy."

"Oh really? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yes"

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I'm calling room service to order something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? And what would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? So what would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods........., to find out what par is for this hole"







A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon Boudreaux carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked him, "Where did you get that turkey?"

Boudreaux replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

Boudreaux looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you.

So, what are you gonna do with him?"

Boudreaux said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go."
post #218 of 270
Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks
her husband to stop the car.? There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.? Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" asked the wife.

He says, "Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover; but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
post #219 of 270
What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a plastic bag?

One's white, made of plastic, & unsafe near little children, & the other is for groceries.
post #220 of 270
My two favorite cringe-inducers:

How do you make a baby cry twice?

Wipe your bloody c**k on his teddy bear.

________________________________

Boy to his father: Dad, what does a vagina look like?

Dad: Before or after sex?

Boy: I don't know...before.

Dad: Like the perfect rose bud just before it opens to reveal its glory.

Boy: What about after?

Dad: You ever see a bulldog eat mayonnaise?
post #221 of 270
Why was half of Helen Keler's face burned? She tried to answer the iron Why was the other side burned? The bastard called back. Why couldn't Helen Keler drive? Because she's a woman. Did you see Ray Charle's new album? neither did he. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall? It was stuck to the first one. and the third monkey? Peer pressure. What's worse then finding a worm in your apple? Getting hit by a bus
post #222 of 270
They once said a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days and "BAM!" Swine Flu!
post #223 of 270
Whats the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger Jokes?






















Heath Ledger jokes can get old.
post #224 of 270
Moshe the Jew!



Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab
newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to come in the same store, noticed this strange phenomenon.


Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why
are you reading an Arab newspaper?'


Moshe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel be ing attacked, Jews
disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty...


So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find?

Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.

The news is so much better!'
post #225 of 270
My new favorite from "How I Met Your Mother": What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up some girl's ass
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