The joke thread - Page 14

Three Italian nuns go to heaven, and God says, "You've been so amazing, I'm going to send you back as anyone you want." Nun No. 1 says, "I want to go back as Brigitte Bardot." God says, "Granted," and sends her back to earth. Nun No. 2 says, "I want to go back as Gina Lollobrigida." And God says, "Have a great time," and sends her back down. The third nun says, "I want to go back as Sahara Pip-a-leeni!" And God says, "Who's that?" And she pulls out a newspaper that reads, "Sahara Pipeline Line Laid by 230 Men."

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "Do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery!?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat. One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant." The other asks, "What's it called?" The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says. "The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!" "Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man. "Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies,"Fu * *k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says,"So what were you watchin'?"
Billy says,"Wimbledon."

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,"I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies,"Your eyesight is perfect."

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,"Your sense of humour!"


An elderly couple was attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.

Technically, the score would never be love-deuce....

An Italian and a Greek are drinking together in a bar, arguing about which man's country contributed the most to modern civilization. The Italian argued Democracy, the Greek argued the Olympics. Finally, in a heat of drunken anger, the Greek pounded the table and yelled "Well the Greeks invented sex! Beat that!" To which the Italian replied "Yes that may be the case, but we introduced it to women"

Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?

Neither did she.

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What's large, gray and not important?

An irrelevant.

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How do you prove that a dog is really man's best friend?

Put your wife and dog in your trunk and drive around for a while.

When you open the trunk, look who's happy to see you.

A baby harp seal walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "What would you like to drink, little baby harp seal?"

The baby harp seal looked at him with its big dark eyes and said, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."

This is one of those jokes that kinda depends on you saying the punchline out loud, but we will see how we go with it.... -- A nightclub is holding a theme party, everybody has to come dressed as an emotion. SO people lined up at the door, guy gets to the front, doesnt look like he is dressed up at all, just a red t-shirt and jeans. Doorman says 'hey, tonight is a theme night, you have to be dressed as an emotion, looks like youve just come casual..." Patron says 'no no no, I have shown up red with anger'...'fair enough, in you go' Few more people pass through, then another guy looks like he hasnt dressed up, green t-shirt and jeans. Doorman 'hey, tonight is a theme night, you have to be dressed as an emotion, looks like youve just come casual..." Patron says 'no no no, I have shown up green with envy'...'fair enough, in you go' Few more pass through, then some guy gets to the front, naked with his dick in a bowl of custard. Doorman: "what the hell? Tonight is an emotion party, what have you come dressed as?" Patron: *say out loud* "Im fucking disgusted"

At another costume party, a guy shows up naked, slathered in Vaseline, with a naked woman on his back.

The doorman says "hey, you can't come in looking like that-- this is a costume party."

The guy says, "I know. I'm a snail and this (gesturing at the woman) is Michelle."

Then another guy gets to the front, naked with his dick buried in a pear.

Doorman: "What the hell? Tonight is an emotion party, what have you come dressed as?"

Patron: *say out loud* "I'm deep in despair"

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."

English Phrase - Chinese Phrase

I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat.

Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao.

Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.

Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.

It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim.

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.

I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.

You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.

I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.

I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.

He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu.

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?