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The joke thread - Page 13

post #181 of 270
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the doors reopen s on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted."
post #182 of 270
A little girl's parent's are getting divorced and she has to appear before the judge so he can determine who should get custody.

Judge: I need to decide who should have custody of you after the divorce, Do you have a preference?

Little girl: No I don't have a preference.

Judge: ok then I think you should go live with your mother

Little girl: NO! Please don't make me live with her, she beats me.

Judge: Um, ok then I'll award custody to your father.

Little girl: NO! NO! He beats me even worse then my mother does, don't make me live with him.

Judge: Well I don't know what to do, I can't have you live with your mother and I can't have you live with your father. I'm not sure what other options we have.

Little girl: I have an idea. Can I go live with the Knicks? I hear they can't beat anyone.

post #183 of 270
After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage loaded into the
limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope
still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,' Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope,
I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd
lose my
job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in
it for you,' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when,
after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!' moans the
driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,'
he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really big,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of
persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' The Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is stumped, ' You been drinking, John? '

Cop: ' No Sir.'

Chief : ' Then what makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur.'
post #184 of 270
Glossary
-----------

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffitti: Vandalism spray painted very very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon. It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: all talk and no action.

Dopeler effect. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
post #185 of 270
A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.


'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
post #186 of 270
My favorites:

I put spot remover on my dog and he disappeared.

_________________________

Two gays are walking their dogs, a chihuahua and a german shepherd, and they pass a department store having a sale (pretty sure it was Saks). The chihuahua owner says, "let's check it out", but the german shepherd owner says they won't let them in with the dogs.

Chihuahua owner pulls out two pairs of sunglasses says, "no problem, we'll each wear a pair of these, and we'll be fine."

They put on the sunglasses and walk in. German shepherd owner is greeted and welcomed in. SA says to the other guy "You can't bring that chihuahua in here!"

To which he replies, "WHAT, they gave me a chihuahua?!"
post #187 of 270
Psychiatrist says to man without pants: "I can see yr nuts".
post #188 of 270
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him
to forgive me.
post #189 of 270
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, her father says:

'But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's
Car has just pulled into the driveway'


'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?' he asked.


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
'He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'


Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause


Then Daddy says,


'Swimming pool...??? 'Is this 486-5731?'


'No'said the little girl. 'I think you have the wrong number.'
post #190 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by kwilkinson View Post
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him
to forgive me.

That's awesome.
post #191 of 270
How do you know when it is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand
post #192 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by m@T View Post
How do you know when it is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand

What did the mother say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me sir, you're in my son"
post #193 of 270
Two newlyweds both decided to save themselves for marriage, but now it's their wedding night, they've had a couple glasses of champagne, and they decide the time is right. So the husband takes off his shoes and socks, when his wife exclaims "My God, what happened to your feet? They're completely disfigured." The husband replies, "Yes, when I was just a baby, I had a terrible case of toelio." By that time, he had his pants off, when his wife cried "My God, what happened to your legs? You must be practically crippled!". Her husband replied "Yes, when I was just a boy, I had a severe case of kneesles". By then, the husband had his underwear off, when his wife exclaimed "My God, don't tell me you also had smallcox!!"
post #194 of 270
Five reasons Computers must be female

5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
post #195 of 270
One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
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