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The joke thread - Page 12

post #166 of 270
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awfulthat he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another her ten feet, turns and waves, and
repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...



(Are you ready for this?)

Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
post #167 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by madison avenue View Post
HAHa good one. Perverted and dirty my kinda humor.

So you'll like this one

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street.

He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a four pack of Carlsberg Special.

After duly knocking back the lager the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp.

Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps trousers and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter.

As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp's hand.

Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver.

Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another four pack of Carlsberg Special.

Yet again he downs the lager and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway.

The following morning the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp.

Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching.

Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence.

This goes on for a week until the Sunday morning when the tramp goes into the Off Licence and asks for a four pack of Guinness.

The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp's usual habits, asks why he is buying Guiness this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the Carlesberg Special but it doesn't half make my arse sore."
post #168 of 270
And another, this time a tairy fale :

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and
the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible uckers;
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go
to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys
who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she
ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame
that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking
brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters
without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life
in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
post #169 of 270
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
post #170 of 270
a baby seal walked into a club.
post #171 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by iridium7777 View Post
a baby seal walked into a club.
A baby seal walks into a club and then asks the bartender, "how much for a good phoque?" great joke.
post #172 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiecollector View Post
A baby seal walks into a club and then asks the bartender, "how much for a good phoque?"

great joke.

the first was good, but this is great.
post #173 of 270
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your
problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-
plained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'
post #174 of 270
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
post #175 of 270
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of "˜Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of "˜Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the a$$..."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
post #176 of 270
I don't remember this joke verbatim, but it came to mind the other day and made me chuckle. here's my best attempt at its re-creation: A woman goes to see her gynecologist for a routine checkup. Towards the end, the doctor says, "Elaine, you have acute vaginitis." To which the woman replies, "why thank you!"
post #177 of 270
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
post #178 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by lakewolf View Post
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of "˜Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of "˜Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the a$$..."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
This isn't really a joke. It is based on a true story (the site also identifies your version as a variant that started circulating on the internet).
post #179 of 270
Why I fired my secretary
-------------------------------

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch..........naked....
post #180 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by dopey View Post
This isn't really a joke. It is based on a true story (the site also identifies your version as a variant that started circulating on the internet).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F7bHPQu5tU
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