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The joke thread - Page 11

post #151 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by j View Post
How do you know your roommate is gay?

How?
post #152 of 269
We regret to inform you that my grandma reads my posts on the forum so you'll have to figure it out on your own.
post #153 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by j View Post
How do you know your roommate is gay?

When you find him doing "Proud Mary" on YouTube ?
post #154 of 269
..........
post #155 of 269
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Southwark South London and sees a card
advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,
"Uh - yes I've had quite a few enquiries about this job. The job
entails you getting lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to
help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether
regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair
then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's
examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid
you'll have to travel to Oxford."

"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"



















"No. That's where the end of the queue is"
post #156 of 269
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.


"Why so little?," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."



The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended. They began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.



The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith"
post #157 of 269
Tom had been in the Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 ..."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
post #158 of 269
President Bush decides to leave the White
>House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the
>barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
>
>
>
>The
>bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says,
>'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here ?'
>
>Bush says, '
>I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
>Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde
>with big tits.
>The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
>Why kill a
>blonde with big tits?'
>
>
>Bush turns to the bartender and says,
>
>
>
>
>'See, I told you, nobody gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
post #159 of 269
everything on this page is greatness.
post #160 of 269
A bit corny and vulgar but so what? [hope this wasnt posted already since I havent read the whole thread -yet].



Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always
has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel
like spending the next three days on my back with my legs
in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



3 blondes walk into a bar. They sit next to a skinny little drunk at the bar and order a pitcher. While they're waiting, the drunk man turns to the nearest one to him and says "hey, want to hear a blonde joke?" to which she replies " I am an active drill instructor in the U.S. military, my friend next to me here is an award winning bodybuilder, and the lady next to her is her personal bodyguard. Now, knowing this...do you still want to tell your joke?"

"On second thought, no." he says.

"I don't want to have to explain it three times."
post #161 of 269
Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned : The next time Charles gets married...someone warn the Pope
post #162 of 269
Ok then, one brit joke about the pope :

A young diehard Manchester City fan, who also happens to be a devout Catholic, goes to Rome with his mum. His big desire is to speak to the Pope. His mum tells him that the Pope will be doing a run round Rome in the popemobile the next morning and that he should wear his City shirt as the Pope is a big football fan and may stop to talk to him if he sees his football shirt.

Next morning the lad is decked out in his City shirt and gets a place right at the front of the crowd. As the Popemobile approaches it slows down and his heart starts to pound, but his excitement turns to dismay as it passes. The dismay turns to despair as the Popemobile stops further down and the Pope gets out and talks to a young lad in a United shirt. The City lad, overcome with grief goes back to his hotel with his mum and cries all night long.

When he awakes in the morning he sees a United shirt on the end of his bed. His mum comes in the room and says that he should wear it when the Pope does his tour of the City that day, to catch his attention as he obviously knows United from their European exploits. The boy remonstrates and says he could never wear a United shirt, but eventually his mum convinces him it is the best way to get to speak to the Pope. So sure enough the little lad wears the shirt and pushes his way to the front of the crowd. This time as the Popemobile approaches his heart pounds as it slows down, and this time stops. The Pope gets out and approaches him, leans forward, puts his hand on the lad's shoulder and says

"I thought I told you yesterday, f*uck off back to London."
post #163 of 269
and now another about Bush

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.

Watch! "Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."
post #164 of 269
A young man and woman returned to her home after their date to find the girl's parents awake in the living room. The mother was picking at the father's ear. "What are you two doing?", asked the daughter. "I'm trying to get a popcorn kernel out of your father's ear," said the mother. "You know how he tosses it up in the air and tries to catch it in his mouth. Well, somehow a piece got into his ear, and now it won't come out. I think I've pushed it in even deeper." The young man reached to the father, plugging the man's nose and instructed him to close his mouth and blow hard. Somehow the trick worked, the popcorn kernel flying out of the father's ear. "Wow," said the mother. "By the way you solved that, I think you should be a doctor." "By the way your fingers smell," said the father, "I think you should be my son-in-law."
post #165 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota rube View Post
A young man and woman returned to her home after their date to find the girl's parents awake in the living room. The mother was picking at the father's ear.

"What are you two doing?", asked the daughter.

"I'm trying to get a popcorn kernel out of your father's ear," said the mother. "You know how he tosses it up in the air and tries to catch it in his mouth. Well, somehow a piece got into his ear, and now it won't come out. I think I've pushed it in even deeper."

The young man reached to the father, plugging the man's nose and instructed him to close his mouth and blow hard. Somehow the trick worked, the popcorn kernel flying out of the father's ear.

"Wow," said the mother. "By the way you solved that, I think you should be a doctor."

"By the way your fingers smell," said the father, "I think you should be my son-in-law."

HAHa good one. Perverted and dirty my kinda humor.
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