The joke thread - Page 2

This one i kept on my wall at work...

LOL ... science humor is the greatest. here's a zenlike joke ----------------------- There once was a man from Verdun...

Funny. My sister once got me a birthday card that had a picture of the dalai lama opening an empty box for his birthday. The caption read "Nothing. Just what I always wanted."

This is the cleanest joke I can remember right now... An Irishman who has been living in America for years moves back home to a small town in Ireland. He goes into a pub the first day and since he's new, all eyes are on him as he goes to the bartender and asks for 3 pints. He sits alone at a table and drinks one, then the second, then the third, then goes home. The town is buzzing about it and the next day, the young man comes in and does the same. After about a week of the same practice, and the town full of questions for the bartender, he can no longer contain his curiosity and asks him: "Why do you always order three pints at once? And you never drink anything more?" The young man explained: "I have two brothers and we all used to go out to the pubs together and have a drink. Well, my older brother moved to Australia and I left my younger brother back in America, but we all vowed that whenever we went out drinkin, we would each have a pint for the other two brothers so it would be like we were together." The bartender thought it was a wonderful idea and the news spread quickly through the town. Everyone would raise their glasses to him when the young man would sit with his 3 pints. One day, he came in and ordered two pints, sat at the table, drank them and left. The bartender was surprised but said nothing. The town again was buzzing with the story, and people began to pray the rosary and light candles, saddened that the young man had lost one of his brothers. The following day, the young man came back for his two pints. The bartender stopped him on his way out, and said, "I don't mean to interfere, but I just want you to know that the entire town and I are very saddened by the loss of your brother, and we are praying for his soul." The young man looked confused, then smiled, and said, "No, my brother didn't die. I gave up drinking for Lent."

this guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of makers mark. he downs them all at a fast clip, and after finishing them the bartender says "wow, you really tossed those back, didn't you?" . the guy looks up and says "yeah, well you'd drink like this if you had what I had, too." the bartender says "what do you have?" and the drinker says "$1.50"

Thought of another one... A hunter shoots a duck out of the air and it lands inside a fence. When he jumps the fence to retrieve it a rancher comes out of his house and says, "Hold on there, partner. That duck's on my property, it belongs to me." The hunter says, "But I shot the duck. I'm sorry it landed in your fence, but it belongs to me." "Nothing doing," says the rancher. "That duck is mine." "I've got an idea," the hunter said. "I'll challenge you for it. I'll kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts, and we'll go back and forth until someone gives up. The winner gets the duck." "Okay, sounds good" the rancher said. So the hunter squares up on him and with all his might lands a crushing blow right to the rancher's balls. The rancher goes down, wailing in agony, rolling on the ground and turning blue. After a quarter of an hour or so of whimpering in excruciating pain the rancher gets up and says, "That was a pretty good shot, but now it's my turn." The hunter says, "Nah, on second thought, you can have the duck."

And, because I'll probably never get to use it again, a tribute: Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? A: Christopher Walken. Edit: *RIMSHOT.*

Here's a joke for all the libertarians in the Forum: Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Zero.  The market will take care of it. And one for all the libertarians who have read Mises and Hayek: Q: How many Austrian economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Quantitative predictions cannot be made in advance.

Christopher Walkin... I'm using that one tonight.

Another science joke: The Sex Life of an Electron One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try and get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around by the sinewave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's curves, soon had his resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt.  Fully excited, Millie Amp said, "Mho, Mho, Mho. Give me mho." With his tube operating at a maximum peak, and her coil vibrating, Micro Farad was rapidly discharging. They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his bar induction magnet had lost all of its field strength. Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoid. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses. Watt a night.

T4 - too funny.

LOL...high voltage probe...for some reason i was outwardly chuckling when i read that. i just love the word 'probe'.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq. Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."

This guy walks into his doctor's office and tells the Doc he has a major problem. The Doc Asked, what is it? The man said he can not have sex. Why asked the Doc. The man replied, "My penis is too long and no woman will go to bed with me." The Doc said: "let me take a look." The man rolled his pants down and the Doc almost fainted. 25 inches of penis. The Doc said: Sorry but I know of no medical procedure that will help. But..........at the edge of town there is a witch who might be able to cast a spell on you. Dejected the man left the office and said to himself--nothing ventured nothing gained and off to the witch he went. He told her of his problem and she too wanted to see. She said WOW there is no spell I can cast that will help. But.............. If you go behind my house into the woods, You will eventually reach a pond. On the far shore you will see a big ugly frog. Ask her to marry you. If she says NO and it works, Your penis will shrink by 5 inches. The men left and walked and sure enough he found the pond and low and behold there was the frog on the far shore. He yelled : Hey frog, will you marry me? She replied NO. he felt a tingle rolled his pants down and was amazed . His penis shrunk to 20 inches. He said to himself, great... this worked but it is still too long. He yelled again, Hey frog, will you marry me? The frog replied --NO. he felt the tingle again and sure enough it shrunk by additional 5 inches to 15. He said to himself. That's great but still not enough. He yelled again. FROG, will you marry me? The frog replied: NO. NO. NO. for the last time.