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The joke thread - Page 10

post #136 of 275

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering

the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma

of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the

railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the

door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's

agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for

there, spread out upon the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favorite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left

this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the

edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

with a wooden spoon ......

Fuck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
post #137 of 275
A man and a woman -- a good looking redhead -- found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the woman reached up and tapped on the upper bunk.

"I'm terribly sorry to wake you, sir, but I'm awfully cold. Could you pop over to the closet and get me another blanket?"

"I have a another idea," he replied. "Just for tonight, would you like to pretend we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!" she giggled.

"Good," he replied, turning back over. "Get your own damned blanket."
post #138 of 275
Originally Posted by Master-Classter View Post
(some people don't get my humour)

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Getting hit by a bus

the usual punchline i get is "the holocaust", but it's still a great zinger.
post #139 of 275
Subject: 5 minute management course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your

(3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

post #140 of 275
Brit that's pretty damn funny.
post #141 of 275
How do you know when you're at a gay picnic?

The hotdogs taste like shit.
post #142 of 275
Originally Posted by ken View Post
How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.
post #143 of 275
a bar for people like Conne that doens't like to waste time.
post #144 of 275
Bee Sting
A wife comes home from playing golf with her friends. "How was your day?" her husband asks.

"It was just awful," she replies. "I got stung by a bee."

"Oh, that must've hurt. Where'd you get stung?" the husband asks.

"Between the first and second holes," she tells him.

"Hmm," he says. "Sounds like your stance is too wide."


A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."


A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "Buzz off! Can't you see I'm winning?"
post #145 of 275
Why did the hedgehog cross the road. To see his flatmate
post #146 of 275
Old Brazilian one:

A man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, he meets Satan, who tells him:
"Son, hell is exactly like the Earth - there are countries and continents, and you get pick whichever one you want to stay in."

The man says: "Can I look around and see what they look like first?" Satan says he can.

The guy figures he was American, so he should go to America. He gets there and the devil tells him: "Here, you spend 6 hours a day in the flaming ovens, 12 hours a day being frozen and 200 lashes from a demon."

The guy says, "Fuck this. If America is so bad I'm gonna try Russia, since it's always been the complete opposite."

So they go to Russia and Satan tells him: "Here, you spend 2 hours a day in the oven, 20 in the freezer and you get 1000 lashes from a demon."

The guy says, "Man, this sucks." He looks all over the world and then he sees a huge line, and asks Satan - "what's that huge line?"

"Oh, that's Brazil," replies Satan.

"Well, why does everyone want to get in there?"

Satan replies, "Well, the ovens are all broken, the ice is melting and the demons who lash you are all on strike!"
post #147 of 275
Got this one from some Palestinians:

Yasser Arafat, George Bush Jr. and Vladimir Putin are all dead and waiting in line for hell. Since they're all world leaders, they chat in line, and arrive at the front together, where Satan stands in front of the flaming gates, leaning on a telephone booth.

Satan says, "OK fellows, bad news is you're in hell. Good news is that you can make some phone calls before you go in - but you have to pay."

George Bush steps up and says, "I'm loaded, I can pay for a lotta calls." So he dials Karl Rove and Dick Cheney and the GOP and tells them how to run the party for the next couple of years and who his enemies are, etc... Then he steps aside and waits for the other two.

Satan says, "OK, Bush, that'll be $10 million." Bush pays the devil with oil stock options.

Putin says, "I'm rich, and I want my enemies to suffer." So he calls all his old KGB pals and tells them who to kill and who to make the next president and so on. "Okay, Putin, that's 40 million rubles." And he pays the devil.

Finally, Yasser Arafat steps up. He calls every single man, woman and child in Palestine, and talks to each of them for at least an hour. When he's done, he gets out of the phone booth. "Okay, Yasser, that's 50 cents," says the devil.

"What the fuck?" shout Bush and Yasser. "He called millions of people and he only pays 50 cents?? Why did we pay so much?!"

Satan replies, "Guys, you were making long distance calls. All of Yasser's were local!"
post #148 of 275
A little politically dicey, so if offensive, just delete.

Mahmoud Abbas calls up George W. Bush one day. He says, "George, I´ve had an incredible revelation! I was destined to be the man responsible for peace in the middle-east."

Dubya asks, "What made you change your mind?"

"I dreamed there was a banner over every Palestinian house in the West Bank saying ´Long Live the Peacemaker Mahmoud Abbas´"

Dubya ponders this for a second, and says, "I had practically the same dream. It even involved banners, although they said something different."

"What did they say?"

"Dunno. I can´t read Hebrew."

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

A small plane carrying Khaled Mashaal, Ismail Haniyah, Mahmoud Zahar and Hamas´ top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!
post #149 of 275
On the first night of their honeymoon, a newlywed CHINEE couple is about to consummate their marriage. While in the act of foreplay, the wife whispers into her husbands ear, telling him that she is prepared to satisfy any one of his wildest sexual desires.

After giving it some thought, the man tells his wife that he has always fantasized about her giving him a 69.

To which she responds: YOU WUNT CHIKKEN AND BROCCOLI?!?!
post #150 of 275
Originally Posted by ken View Post
How do you know when you're at a gay picnic?

The hotdogs taste like shit.
How do you know your roommate is gay?
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