The joke thread - Page 9

so this guy, he hasnt been laid in a while, starts to consider his options. He had heard of a house-of-ill-repute in the neighbourhood, and one night just figured 'what the hell, give it a shot'. So he heads over, walks in, and is greeted by a gorgeous hooker who takes him out the back. He says 'I'm a little nervous...how about I just get a handjob'. Hooker says 'that's fine honey, I charge $500 for handjobs.' '$500? WTF? I can do that myself for free!' Hooker walks him over to the window, opens the curtains and points at a gas station just downstairs. "See that gas station? I own it. I bought it with money from my handjobs...." Dude figures that if she can buy a whole gas station with her wristwork, then it must be worth a shot. In he goes, and she doesnt disappoint. Best.Handjob.Ever. Couldnt have done better himself if he had three hands...and gladly pays up the $500. All week he cant stop thinking about it...cant match it himself...figures 'I gotta get some more of this'. Back to the knockshop..."this time I would like to try a blowjob"..."sure honey, but I charge $1500 for the mouthwork"...once again he objects to the price tag, and this time she leads him to another window, points outside to a boutique hotel across the street. "See that hotel? I own it. I bought it with money from my blowjobs...." He thinks back to the week before and the handjob and figures 'yup, she was right'...down she goes, and once again, does not disappoint. Best.Blowjob.Ever. Pays up, and is leaving, and then turns around and says 'no way, Ive gotta fuck you...I dont care what it costs, but after the handjob and the blowjob, Ive gotta feel this pussy'. She laughs, takes him over to the other window, points to a group of huge casinos on the skyline and says 'honey, if I had a pussy, Id own those casinos'

Classic Affairs:


The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, hey fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don ' t move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed d the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,
a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on
a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture
it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and
then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it
and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,
have sex with it again and then burn it," said
the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist
said: "Meow."

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter.

In his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of a coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between " ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Why did the blond have sex with the Mexican guy?

Because her teacher told her to do an essay.

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think the fan belt broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting fuel."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

He said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

2 Old Gals

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to o pen up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. " The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Know why the second monkey fell out of the tree?
.
.
.
.
.
It was stuck to the first monkey.

Know why the third monkey fell out of the tree?
.
.
.
.
.
Peer Pressure

More Michael Jackson Jokes...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries.

How do you know it's time for bed at the Jackson household?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds.

Because there are twenty of them.

An old man walks into a doctor's office to get a yearly physical. They run some test and the doctor walks back into the room and says "Sir, I've got some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's." The old man then said to the doctor "Well thank God I don't have cancer!" ______________________________ A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the clerk who is an old feeble woman. He says "Hi I'm here to open a fucking bank account." The woman responds "There is no need for that kind of language at a bank." The man says "Well I just want to open a fucking bank account." She replies "Look if you keep using bad language I'll call my manager over here." He says back to her "You're going to get your manager just because I said I want to ope na fucking bank account?" The woman gets angry and storms off to get the manager. The manager comes over and says "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" The man says "I just want to open a fucking bank account........... for 500,000 dollars." The bank manager responds "Oh I'm sorry is this old cunt giving you a problem?"

(some people don't get my humour)

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Getting hit by a bus