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The joke thread - Page 8

post #106 of 269
One day a man with no arms was walking down the street and thinking to himself that he really needed a job. He was passing a monastery when he noticed a help wanted sign in the window. Curious he went inside to inquire about the job.

He found a monk and asked him what the job was. The monk said, "My son, it's a bell ringer's position, but I don't think you could do the job." The man replied, "If I can prove to you that I can handle the job, can I have it?" The monk agreed, so they went to the belfry.

The man looked at the bell, looked at the monk, and looked back at the bell. He went to the furthest corner from the bell and then ran at it as fast as he could. He head struck the bell sending forth a beautiful chime, so the monk told him he had the job.

For the next two weeks everything was great. The bell was always on time and the monk couldn't have been more pleased. One day, coming back to the monastery, the monk noticed a huge crowd gathered outside and police all over the place. He hurried over to one of the cops to find out what happened.

The cop told him that apparently someone had committed suicide and took him over to ground under the belfry. The monk looked down and saw the bell ringer, who had run at the bell, missed, and fell out the belfry to his death. The cop asked him if he knew who it was. The monk replied, "Well, his face kind of rings a bell."

A couple of days after the armless man dies, his brother comes and asks for the same job. He ends up doing it the same way, running head-first into the bell, then, a few days later, accidentally falls to his death. The monk is asked by the police what the new bell ringer's name was and the monk says, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for that other guy."
post #107 of 269
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was at the hospital visiting his Japanese neighbor, who had been involved in a serious car accident. He found his friend in the ICU, among many tubes here and there, all connected to various medical equipment. The patient was sleeping peacefully... when suddenly he got up in a shock, his eyes popping out, yelling "SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!" Having said that, he died.

During the funeral, the guy approached his friend's mother and his widow, and hugging both of them he asked,

"Mrs. Fumiko and Mrs. Shakita, seconds before my friend Fuyiro passed away he told me some words I cannot forget: 'SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!' Would you kindly tell me what do they mean?"

Fuyiro's mother fainted, and the widow looked at the guy with a shocked expression in her face. The guy insists, "What do these words mean, Mrs. Shakita?"

Furious, the widow replies, "That means 'STEP OFF THE OXYGEN TUBE, YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!"
post #108 of 269
BBQ RULES


ROUTINE...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill--beer in hand.

HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

MORE ROUTINE.....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

MORE ROUTINE:

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:

(10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
post #109 of 269
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, two beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide them from the Germans; I hid them in my attic and they were never found."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told them that they had to pay for rent of the attic with sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding them; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell them that the war is over?"
post #110 of 269
Warning -> \tAgricultural Community Humor...

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could
figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
post #111 of 269
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
post #112 of 269
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN -- The only question
asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

However, the survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
The Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And the Italians are still discussing the meaning of the word "honest"
post #113 of 269
Now some english humour....

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.....
post #114 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by lakewolf View Post
Now some english humour....

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.....

love it.


Qu: What's yellow and smells like green paint?

A: Yellow paint.
post #115 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by lakewolf View Post
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy was at the hospital visiting his Japanese neighbor, who had been involved in a serious car accident. He found his friend in the ICU, among many tubes here and there, all connected to various medical equipment. The patient was sleeping peacefully... when suddenly he got up in a shock, his eyes popping out, yelling "SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!" Having said that, he died. During the funeral, the guy approached his friend's mother and his widow, and hugging both of them he asked, "Mrs. Fumiko and Mrs. Shakita, seconds before my friend Fuyiro passed away he told me some words I cannot forget: 'SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!' Would you kindly tell me what do they mean?" Fuyiro's mother fainted, and the widow looked at the guy with a shocked expression in her face. The guy insists, "What do these words mean, Mrs. Shakita?" Furious, the widow replies, "That means 'STEP OFF THE OXYGEN TUBE, YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!"
Hahhahaha that's great!!!!!!!!!! I love it!!! My new favorite joke!!!!!!!!!! Do you know the one about "chigau ana"? An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him, "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"
post #116 of 269
post #117 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by amerikajinda View Post

hahahah THAT is hilarious!

haha all these videos are great.
post #118 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by lakewolf View Post
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN -- The only question
asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

However, the survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
The Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And the Italians are still discussing the meaning of the word "honest"

I'm going to try to remember this one. I know I'll forget at least two of the groups.
post #119 of 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeterMetro View Post
Some scientists did a study on what different cultures find funny. The funniest joke in Belgium was the following:

There are three types of people in the world - those that can count, and those that can't.

A variant on this one for nerds:

There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.
post #120 of 269
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Hillary Clinton ."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside
here."



The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is
not Pr esident and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away..

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your
answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
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