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The joke thread

post #1 of 269
Thread Starter 
I apologize if this has been done here before... Alright, we all have our favorite jokes that get our friends laughing and what not... post your favorite(s) here. They can be long, or short, clever or dirty or both. I'll start it off. The Penguin Joke One day a Penguin was having trouble with his car, so he took it into the shop to get it worked on. The technician said to come back in a few hours and he could tell him what the problem with the car was. So the penguin went off, and decided to kill some time by eating ice cream (penguins love ice cream). You know how penguins don't really have fingers of any sort, so they can't grip a fork. The penguin was eating the ice cream with his wings, making a mess and getting it all over the place.. on his face and all over his black feathers, because he had no other way of eating it. So in a little bit, the penguin heads back to the auto shop, and the technician comes out to greet him. "What's the problem?" the penguin asks. "Oh, it looks like you just blew a seal," answers the technician. Reassuringly, the penguin responds, "Oh no no no, it's just ice cream."
post #2 of 269
Some scientists did a study on what different cultures find funny. The funniest joke in Belgium was the following: There are three types of people in the world - those that can count, and those that can't.
post #3 of 269
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
post #4 of 269
why would he be using a fork to eat ice cream? i'm confused. ... i like corny old jokes: How can you tell an elephant has been in the refrigerator? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Footprints in the butter.
post #5 of 269
Thread Starter 
Don't you eat ice cream with a fork? I can't remember if I used a spoon or a fork last time I ate it was probably over a year ago.
post #6 of 269
Here's my all-time favorite. Hope no one takes offense to it. What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? . . . . . . . . . . . . . Quattro cinco (sink-o)
post #7 of 269
The proper way to eat ice cream is, of course, with an ice cream fork (fourth one from the occipital range of the dinner platus assembly) and the ice cream knife (posterially perilocal to the butter tray apparatus) on the provided ice cream receptacle / disassembly platform. Duh. Great jokes, btw.
post #8 of 269
i like corny old jokes: How can you tell an elephant has been in the refrigerator? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Footprints in the butter.
J: Grounds for banning?  (The joke AND the fact that we had to scroll down to the bottom to get the "punch line") EDIT: PS: Yes, I know that FB will get in his closing remarks but I am taking advantage while he is offline JJF
post #9 of 269
One of my favorites: Jack was moderately successful in his career, but as he grew older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygine started to suffer, he sought medical advice. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is that I can cure your headaches....." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles." Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... Size 44 long." Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Jack tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jack admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jack thought for a minute and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 18 neck." Jack was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Jack tried on the shirt. It fit perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Jack was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jack's feet and said, " Let's see... size 12... wide." Jack was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Jack tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jack walked around the store and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Jack thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack's waist and said, "Let's see.... Size 36" Jack laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
post #10 of 269
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people. That's amazing. How did you manage to do that." "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your a**hole before prison...."
post #11 of 269
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
post #12 of 269
Mike was traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's' room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, Mike let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately Warm Water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made." Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hind quarters. Mike thought that was out of this world. The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared , he cried out, "what happened to me?. The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip." The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover...... Your penis is under your pillow."
post #13 of 269
Penis Study Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Holland decided to conduct their own study. The Dutch didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Dutch study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
post #14 of 269
$75 for 10 minutes' work...not bad at all.
post #15 of 269
Quantum physics, anyone ? Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. Q: What do you call a Polak in a F15? A: A simple pole in a complex plane. ---- Two atoms are walking down the street... and they bump into one another, Atom #1 "Are you all right?" Atom #2 "I think I lost an electron." Atom #1 "Are you sure?" Atom #2 "I'm positive." ------------- Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding: "Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am." --------- Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied? When he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum. ------------- "What's new?" "E over h." -------------------------------- Schrodinger's Cat Wanted: Dead or Alive. -------------------------------- Schrodinger's Cat Wanted: Dead AND Alive. -------------------------------- A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "for you, no charge." -------------------------- A solar physicist walks into a bar, gets the bartender's attention, and says "I'd like a Mexican beer, please." The bartender immediately begins shouting "OK, everybody out. Right now. Everyone out of the bar." And he heards all the patrons out into the street, slamming the door behind them. The solar physicist shakes his head ruefully. "Darn," he says, "I should have seen that Corona mass ejection coming." ----------------------------------------------- A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in an outdoor cafe. They watch two people go into a building across the street. Shortly thereafter, three people come out. "Hmm," says the biologist. "It looks like they reproduced." "Nah," says the physicist. "There was obviously error in our initial measurement." The mathematician looks up from his coffee. "Who cares? If another person goes in, it'll be empty." -------------------------------------- Q. There were two cats on a roof. Which one slid off first? A. The one with the lower mew.
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