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Dating Question

post #1 of 55
12/27/07 at 4:47pm
Thread Starter 
I don't like the idea, but I've been undecided about this for a while. I've been seeing a beautiful, confident, smart, funny girl for the last month or so. She's really incredible. Two HUGE problems:

1. I'm 31, she's 21. I constantly think of myself at that age and how much I've changed. It's really scary.
2. Her family is incredibly wealthy. She had hoped her father would buy her a horse for Christmas, instead she got a 4 bed, 4 bath brand new home. I have a pretty good shot at future wealth (have a JD, MBA, decent connections), but my parents got me a couple of books and a $15 gift certificate to Macaroni Grill. How the hell am I ever going to compete with Daddy?

I realize this sounds like I'm trying to indirectly brag - and this is the problem. When I ask people for advice, I always get "You are complaining about dating a young hot rich girl?" However, I am 31, and kind of want to settle down sometime soon. I can't help but think that the age gap is too much and I don't want to waste a lot of time. It sucks, a few of my friends have said if I feel this way, then I should probably move on, but it's hard to leave.

So I guess I'd like to ask the married SFers (and maybe the ever so wise AmericaKidNinja)- what is your experience with the age gap and/or wealth gap? I know it depends on the person, blah blah blah, but just some feedback would be good.
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post #2 of 55
12/27/07 at 4:58pm
(31 ÷ 2) + 7 = 22.5 > 21

she's fair game
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post #3 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:14pm
Marry money, you can find love later.
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post #4 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:17pm
I'm not married, but I'll offer this anyway as someone who has dunderheadedly amassed his share of missed opportunities: why cop out and leave yourself to always wonder whether it could have worked or not? Why not just travel down the road and find out whether the potential problems become actual problems or not? If you're amazed by how much you're matured since 21, yet at 31 find her 'incredible', doesn't that say something? She's 10 years more mature than you! No one can else give you even the slightest hint of whether wealth/age differences will be a problem with your relationship or not -- it depends completely on the two of you and your own relationship to the issues. Are you willing to have a frank, open conversation with her about it? If it works, great. If it doesn't work, at least you gave it a shot and you'll know. Not going for it has no upside that I can see, other than possibly pre-empting the pain of possible future breakup. Which could suck a little bit for a while, but not nearly as much as a "shoulda/coulda/wouldas...", which never go away. That's this single -- um, unmarried -- man's $.02 anyway.
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post #5 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:18pm
^^ You've reduced relationship compatibility to a simple formula? Neat. >>I constantly think of myself at that age and how much I've changed. I think you've hit on the main problem there. She isn't finished becoming the person she will be. Will she change in the next 10 years? Undoubtedly. Will she change to the point to where she no longer feels the same about you? There is a good chance but it isn't certain. You're only a month into the relationship, though. You don't really know her all that well yet anyway. If you're having fun, keep at it.. As a man, you are just now entering your most productive years so your stock is still going up.
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post #6 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:20pm
Hmmmm....

Assuming the girl is not completely shallow and materialistic, she should understand and be OK with the fact that most guys won't have the kind of money her family has. You shouldn't have to compete with Daddy for the most expensive gifts, your gifts should be sentimental and personal and she should love them for those reasons. If not you should ask yourself if that's the type of person that you want to be with.

The age thing....err..... I dunno. When I was 22 I dated a 31 year old and I'm 28 now and have recently dated a 22 year old but both were more "friends with benefits" than relationships. We had very little in common.

I think nailed the point - unless she's very mature and ready to settle down, you have to decide if it's worth the "relationship risk" to want to get serious with someone that young. Not to say that there aren't 21 year old girls who can commit to a serious relationship but the vast majority either don't want to, or don't know what they want.

Personally, I'm one of those "it's better to have loved and lost...." types of people so if you guys are getting along great, I'd say roll with it for a few more weeks and see how things pan out! At least you won't regret not giving it a chance!
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post #7 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tsintaosaurus View Post
(31 ÷ 2) + 7 = 22.5 > 21

she's fair game

You are not, what we call, "good at math."


FL - I'm not married and still in the dating arena, so I won't be much help, but at the very least, I think you should give it more time. It's only been a month -- I mean, I understand where you're coming from on the not wanting to waste more time and getting in too deep, etc., but one month is still a bit too early to be seeing that far down the future. If she's a fantastic girl, I say roll with it and see if she remains fantastic. A 10 year differential in and of itself is no reason to dismiss a relationship when it's the individuals that will make things work or not work.
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post #8 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:22pm
My wife is 10 years younger than me and it's worked out very well. As the years go by the age difference means less and less. I have to really think about the last time it came up ( I think it was Bullwinkle vs. Smurfs) After 10 years married it really doesn't matter.

If you're dating "up" you'll need to get over her family's wealth, especially if it gets serious. It sounds hard but you'd have to treat the situation as if the money has no effect on your relationship. I've known too many guys that get emasculated by their more well off GF's or wives and it's only BECAUSE THEY LET THEM. In reality, either one is a man or a puss regardless of economics. Remember: you're not competing with Daddy, if you get married, you're assuming a different role. Daddy shouldn't step on your turf as her husband and she should support you in that.
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post #9 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:26pm
You'll just have to show her who her Daddy is. In bed.
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post #10 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHoff View Post
You're only a month into the relationship, though. You don't really know her all that well yet anyway. If you're having fun, keep at it.. As a man, you are just now entering your most productive years so your stock is still going up.

+1

Forget the age difference, forget the wealth... Keep dating her, keep enjoying her company and if in 8 or 9 months you are still in love with her, then you can ask yourself these questions again.
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post #11 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:34pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan View Post
I don't like the idea, but I've been undecided about this for a while. I've been seeing a beautiful, confident, smart, funny girl for the last month or so. She's really incredible. Two HUGE problems:

1. I'm 31, she's 21. I constantly think of myself at that age and how much I've changed. It's really scary.
2. Her family is incredibly wealthy. She had hoped her father would buy her a horse for Christmas, instead she got a 4 bed, 4 bath brand new home. I have a pretty good shot at future wealth (have a JD, MBA, decent connections), but my parents got me a couple of books and a $15 gift certificate to Macaroni Grill. How the hell am I ever going to compete with Daddy?

I realize this sounds like I'm trying to indirectly brag - and this is the problem. When I ask people for advice, I always get "You are complaining about dating a young hot rich girl?" However, I am 31, and kind of want to settle down sometime soon. I can't help but think that the age gap is too much and I don't want to waste a lot of time. It sucks, a few of my friends have said if I feel this way, then I should probably move on, but it's hard to leave.

So I guess I'd like to ask the married SFers (and maybe the ever so wise AmericaKidNinja)- what is your experience with the age gap and/or wealth gap? I know it depends on the person, blah blah blah, but just some feedback would be good.
sounds like you're afraid of rejection
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post #12 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:36pm
Thread Starter 
Good advice, I know it's only a month, I just always think long-term, and I've known her for almost six months. But, sweet jesus, I am acting like a fourteen year-old. Really smitten.
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post #13 of 55
12/27/07 at 5:57pm
Man, relax and enjoy things in the moment. The future has lots of time for dealing with whatever "issues" pop up. Sometimes "we" are so intent on recognizing potential pitfalls and developing contingency plans that we miss the opportunities life tosses our way.
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post #14 of 55
12/27/07 at 6:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota rube View Post
Man, relax and enjoy things in the moment. The future has lots of time for dealing with whatever "issues" pop up. Sometimes "we" are so intent on recognizing potential pitfalls and developing contingency plans that we miss the opportunities life tosses our way.

+1, definitely.

The actual age doesn't matter so much as emotional maturity. You'll both change, you may know who you are now but ten years down the road you'll both be different people, and the big question is whether you'll support each other as you both change and grow.

Ten years isn't a deal-breaker, and $$$ isn't a deal-breaker, and put together, they're not deal-breakers. Bogey and Bacall were, what - 25 years different?
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post #15 of 55
12/27/07 at 7:04pm
Just make sure she's not a wild child before you invest anything emotionally. I'm sure you don't want to wake up one morning to discover you married Paris Hilton.
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