or Connect
Styleforum › Forums › Culture › Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel › Need some advice on a girl problem
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Need some advice on a girl problem

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
I don't even like posting about this stuff, but since i can't talk to ppl about this sorta thing irl, i figured i'd get some opinions here anonymously. It's a fairly complicated situation so hopefully someone can actually get through the long post. Unfortunatel, the entire post is required to present a proper picture of what's going on.. I've been working with this girl for a few months. I always had a bit of a thing for her but never anything the least bit serious. I felt the same about her as I did about any other girl I thought was attractive and not a complete bitch. I never really had much oportunity to talk to her and I knew she had a boyfriend of 4-5 years. While they didn't live together, he drove her to work and picked her up every day (this is actually an issue for her cause she can't get away from him without a big fight). I didn't expect anything and so life went on, until she moved in to share my office. I'm gonna call this girl Sam, which isn't her real name. At this point I started talking to her a lot and we went to lunch together most days. I was very careful not to fall in to the just-friends trap cause frankly my interest in her was quickly becoming more than that at this point. I really enjoyed being around her, which if you've read the recent nerd dating thread, isn't something that happens for me very often, as I'm extremely picky. I casually dropped hints once in a while and flippantly said things like "so when are you gonna let me take you to dinner?" I wasn't too aggressive because a) this is at work b) she has a boyfriend c) I still wasn't sure if it was mutual yet although she definitely wasn't telling me to get lost (and no i'm not her boss). Now if she had a perfect relationship with her boyfriend i never would have bothered getting this involved. However, the guy is a Class-A loser. He meets every criteria for being a loser and shows no signs of ever improving. He ain't smart, has no higher education or any useful skills, no ambition, he's not particularly good looking, he doesn't even hold a job most of the time and he still lives with his parents. He's pretty heavily in-debt (for his income which is almost non-existant) cause he pours what money he has into souping-up his shitty car without any thought given to the problems this will cause him in the future. To make things worse, he's over-possessive and extremely jealous; she often refers to him as her stalker. She can't do anything without being subject to an inquisition. She, along with her close friends and myself, question why she's still with the guy. So about a month ago (after about a month of showing interest in her) she took me to lunch with her best friend, at which point I started thinking to myself "ok, now we're getting somewhere." Things had gotten a bit more physical between us in the meantime, very harmless stuff, not even kissing. It's hard to find time alone with her. I started talking to her on the phone a bit which in itself is very hard to do regularly cause her bf is always following her around. I spilled the beans and told her i really liked her, etc. She responded with "why would you do that to yourself?" Referencing the untenable situation I would inevitably find myself in. She's told me that she likes me and wants to go out with me, but that's as far as we've gotten. A bit more info before i continue.. Her bf has a sister who's  single and has had 2 kids with 2 different fathers (yes, she's a whore). Neither her nor the mother know how to properly take care of the kids. Their house apparently makes the osbornes look civilized. I hear about shit that goes on there every week and it's ridiculous. The whole family wouldn't be out of place on Jerry Springer. They've all come to depend on Sam. The bf has no life w/o her. He'll show-up at work to pick her up several hours before she can leave and just sit in his car waiting for her. On weekends, although he can't stay overnight, he shows up in the morning, often before she's even up and he'll just sit there waiting for her. The sister can't take care of her own kid and the mother isn't any help either. As an example, the kids teeth are rotting and she's gonna need a root canal next year cause the mother gives her whatever she wants, namely candy and stuff that rots her teeth, which are all black now because her whole mouth is filled with cavities at the age of 2. This kid's favorite two words are fuck you and she's a spoiled little brat because the mother/grandmother never tell her no. For this reason sam feels a sense of responsability to these kids. Back to the issue at hand. She likes me. I like her. She won't go out with me. We've had some LONG (like 4hrs long) talks on the phone where we've covered a lot of ground, and she says she wants to go out with me but she can't bring herself to break-up with her bf (which she's tried before). There are several reasons for this. 1) their social lives have been intertwined for the past 5 years, everyone thinks they'll get married 2) she feels a certain responsability to the sister's kids, whom are otherwise doomed 3) she too nice for her own good and doesn't want to hurt the guy 4) he's a psycho. #4 is possibly the biggest reason she can't bring herself to leave him. She sees it as being an extremely difficult process and she has trouble making hard decisions imo. She tried once and he never took it seriously (i'm sure this is largely her fault because she didn't hold her ground), he just kept showing up at her house and eventually she broke-down and took him back. From talking to her she thinks it'll take a restraining order to make him go away for good, and even then he'd probably break it. I believe it. It would also be hard to avoid him because of friends in common and the fact that they live so close to each other. Oh and they're both italian and there's always this family stuff where they're expected to show-up together. She often says that the only way she feels she can get away from him is to move to a different country. So that's what i'm dealing with. I've been making a point of asking her out about at least once a week. She knows my interest in her is more than casual and she's aware that i'm quite picky with who i like. The answer I get is usually "maybe" or "i can't" (meaning other circumstances prevent it). I once asked when she'd let me take her out and she responded with "soon." That was 2 weeks ago and I'm now back to the "i can't" response. She insists she's not playing games with me and that she just doesn't know how to handle the situation but other than that she remains pretty tight-lipped about how she's actually feeling. She's quite visibly stressed when she talks about anything related to the situation with her bf. She knows she's with a loser and she's fully aware that i'm the complete opposite (educated, ambitious, smart, etc), but she can't pull the trigger. As far as I can tell she's one of those people that would rather avoid a problem than deal with it. She's made it clear she doesn't want anything sexual while she's still with this guy because it goes against her morals. I think that's maybe part of the reason why she won't go out with me yet. She says she doesn't think she could trust herself with me if we were alone.. I'm fine with that because i wouldnt' want a gf that cheats. However, I just wish she'd dump him already. This whole thing is really messing with me. As of the latter part of last week, I started to deliberately pay less attention to her. I don't know if snubbing her is the right or wrong approach in this case. I really like this girl a lot and i hate doing it, but I feel like i have to make a point. I'm usually so together which is why I dislike this whole situation. I'm starting to think that the best thing i can do is bury myself in school and work and try and forget about her. That would be easier said than done though, since we still work together and i can't just turn how i feel about her off. So should i pretend to ignore her? Give her an ultimatum and hope that the time pressure will make her do what needs to be done? Just keep trying to get her to come out with me? Or try and forget about the whole thing? To be fair she's not in an easy situation and so i don't know if giving an ultimatum or starting to screw with her head is the right approach, but how long should i keep this up? Obviously, I'm not feeling so hot about the whole situation... So does anyoen have any thoughts on the matter?
post #2 of 23
Ah, GQ, you're not in an easy place now. It seems like you love this girl, if not romantically, you seem to care about her situation and what she's going through. IN some ways she reminds me of two friends of mine, one who passed on and one who's still here - those people who give of themselves to others so much that they stop taking care of themselves and let others take advantage of themselves if they haven't learned (very, very hard for them) to set appropriate boundaries. It sounds like this guy is abusive - anyone called a "˜stalker' is not good. Are you on a level where you can speak honestly - you said you talk with her a lot. I'd tell her how concerned I was for her, and that I'd want her to see a counselor (if she's in college, many of the major ones offer counseling services, or maybe a forum member can help provide some women's crisis group). Because if she's in trouble I'd want to get her out, not as a boyfriend, or heaven forbid right now, a prospective lover, but as a human and as a friend. That's what she needs. Surely any counselors would have experience in judging if she needs to have a PFA slapped on this guy, or if (forgive me) her perception of reality is distorted or if she's manipulating you (it has happened). Also, counseling could help her learn to set boundaries that she needs to set to preserve her own sanity, and it sounds she's running short on that, but that's a longer term goal. So that would be my suggestion: Get ahold of a counselor/crisis management center (heck, try Google if no one suggests anything), tell her you're concerned about her and ask her to call. Offer to be there with her if she wants. You might also consider calling yourself, and qualified people could suggest an appropriate course of action. In fact, I think that's the best idea - that way you can get professional advice for your situation, which is rather on the serious side. Good luck, let us know how it goes... Huntsman
post #3 of 23
Quote:
I don't even like posting about this stuff, but since i can't talk to ppl about this sorta thing irl, i figured i'd get some opinions here anonymously. It's a fairly complicated situation so hopefully someone can actually get through the long post. Unfortunatel, the entire post is required to present a proper picture of what's going on.. I've been working with this girl for a few months. I always had a bit of a thing for her but never anything the least bit serious. I felt the same about her as I did about any other girl I thought was attractive and not a complete bitch. I never really had much oportunity to talk to her and I knew she had a boyfriend of 4-5 years. While they didn't live together, he drove her to work and picked her up every day (this is actually an issue for her cause she can't get away from him without a big fight). I didn't expect anything and so life went on, until she moved in to share my office. I'm gonna call this girl Sam, which isn't her real name. At this point I started talking to her a lot and we went to lunch together most days. I was very careful not to fall in to the just-friends trap cause frankly my interest in her was quickly becoming more than that at this point. I really enjoyed being around her, which if you've read the recent nerd dating thread, isn't something that happens for me very often, as I'm extremely picky. I casually dropped hints once in a while and flippantly said things like "so when are you gonna let me take you to dinner?" I wasn't too aggressive because a) this is at work b) she has a boyfriend c) I still wasn't sure if it was mutual yet although she definitely wasn't telling me to get lost (and no i'm not her boss). Now if she had a perfect relationship with her boyfriend i never would have bothered getting this involved. However, the guy is a Class-A loser. He meets every criteria for being a loser and shows no signs of ever improving. He ain't smart, has no higher education or any useful skills, no ambition, he's not particularly good looking, he doesn't even hold a job most of the time and he still lives with his parents. He's pretty heavily in-debt (for his income which is almost non-existant) cause he pours what money he has into souping-up his shitty car without any thought given to the problems this will cause him in the future. To make things worse, he's over-possessive and extremely jealous; she often refers to him as her stalker. She can't do anything without being subject to an inquisition. She, along with her close friends and myself, question why she's still with the guy. So about a month ago (after about a month of showing interest in her) she took me to lunch with her best friend, at which point I started thinking to myself "ok, now we're getting somewhere." Things had gotten a bit more physical between us in the meantime, very harmless stuff, not even kissing. It's hard to find time alone with her. I started talking to her on the phone a bit which in itself is very hard to do regularly cause her bf is always following her around. I spilled the beans and told her i really liked her, etc. She responded with "why would you do that to yourself?" Referencing the untenable situation I would inevitably find myself in. She's told me that she likes me and wants to go out with me, but that's as far as we've gotten. A bit more info before i continue.. Her bf has a sister who's  single and has had 2 kids with 2 different fathers (yes, she's a whore). Neither her nor the mother know how to properly take care of the kids. Their house apparently makes the osbornes look civilized. I hear about shit that goes on there every week and it's ridiculous. The whole family wouldn't be out of place on Jerry Springer. They've all come to depend on Sam. The bf has no life w/o her. He'll show-up at work to pick her up several hours before she can leave and just sit in his car waiting for her. On weekends, although he can't stay overnight, he shows up in the morning, often before she's even up and he'll just sit there waiting for her. The sister can't take care of her own kid and the mother isn't any help either. As an example, the kids teeth are rotting and she's gonna need a root canal next year cause the mother gives her whatever she wants, namely candy and stuff that rots her teeth, which are all black now because her whole mouth is filled with cavities at the age of 2. This kid's favorite two words are fuck you and she's a spoiled little brat because the mother/grandmother never tell her no. For this reason sam feels a sense of responsability to these kids. Back to the issue at hand. She likes me. I like her. She won't go out with me. We've had some LONG (like 4hrs long) talks on the phone where we've covered a lot of ground, and she says she wants to go out with me but she can't bring herself to break-up with her bf (which she's tried before). There are several reasons for this. 1) their social lives have been intertwined for the past 5 years, everyone thinks they'll get married 2) she feels a certain responsability to the sister's kids, whom are otherwise doomed 3) she too nice for her own good and doesn't want to hurt the guy 4) he's a psycho. #4 is possibly the biggest reason she can't bring herself to leave him. She sees it as being an extremely difficult process and she has trouble making hard decisions imo. She tried once and he never took it seriously (i'm sure this is largely her fault because she didn't hold her ground), he just kept showing up at her house and eventually she broke-down and took him back. From talking to her she thinks it'll take a restraining order to make him go away for good, and even then he'd probably break it. I believe it. It would also be hard to avoid him because of friends in common and the fact that they live so close to each other. Oh and they're both italian and there's always this family stuff where they're expected to show-up together. She often says that the only way she feels she can get away from him is to move to a different country. So that's what i'm dealing with. I've been making a point of asking her out about at least once a week. She knows my interest in her is more than casual and she's aware that i'm quite picky with who i like. The answer I get is usually "maybe" or "i can't" (meaning other circumstances prevent it). I once asked when she'd let me take her out and she responded with "soon." That was 2 weeks ago and I'm now back to the "i can't" response. She insists she's not playing games with me and that she just doesn't know how to handle the situation but other than that she remains pretty tight-lipped about how she's actually feeling. She's quite visibly stressed when she talks about anything related to the situation with her bf. She knows she's with a loser and she's fully aware that i'm the complete opposite (educated, ambitious, smart, etc), but she can't pull the trigger. As far as I can tell she's one of those people that would rather avoid a problem than deal with it. She's made it clear she doesn't want anything sexual while she's still with this guy because it goes against her morals. I think that's maybe part of the reason why she won't go out with me yet. She says she doesn't think she could trust herself with me if we were alone.. I'm fine with that because i wouldnt' want a gf that cheats. However, I just wish she'd dump him already. This whole thing is really messing with me. As of the latter part of last week, I started to deliberately pay less attention to her. I don't know if snubbing her is the right or wrong approach in this case. I really like this girl a lot and i hate doing it, but I feel like i have to make a point. I'm usually so together which is why I dislike this whole situation. I'm starting to think that the best thing i can do is bury myself in school and work and try and forget about her. That would be easier said than done though, since we still work together and i can't just turn how i feel about her off. So should i pretend to ignore her? Give her an ultimatum and hope that the time pressure will make her do what needs to be done? Just keep trying to get her to come out with me? Or try and forget about the whole thing? To be fair she's not in an easy situation and so i don't know if giving an ultimatum or starting to screw with her head is the right approach, but how long should i keep this up? Obviously, I'm not feeling so hot about the whole situation... So does anyoen have any thoughts on the matter?
If she stays with him = it means she is not much better than him... She seems to have no personality as you do not stay with someone because of other people think you will get married with him. Kiss her and convice her to live this guy
post #4 of 23
Get her to get help (a counselor was a pretty good suggestion) and don't get yourself involved more than you are already until all this is settled. Persuading her to leave him for you right now will not get her out of her Jerry Springer situation. It'll only make you the guy who is sitting in a chair when the angry boyfriend comes storming out. Trust me on this one.
post #5 of 23
Quote:
If she stays with him = it means she is not much better than him... She seems to have no personality as you do not stay with someone because of other people think you will get married with him.
It's difficult to get out of a chronically abusive situation sometimes. Just ask your parents.
Quote:
Kiss her and convice her to live this guy (sic)
Stupidest f**king advice I've heard in a long time.
post #6 of 23
i agree you've already gotten too involved and may have already fallen into the 'friend' category too.  don't pursue it any more. you may think she's right for you but it sounds like a situation that's none of your business. find someone else with less baggage. if the wo of you were madly in love i'd say follow your heart but it doesn't sound like you two have a deep connection other than that she likes to tell you her problems.
post #7 of 23
Yes, I'm with matador on this. This could easly turn ugly and you will be assigned the blame from the stalker. You should also ask yourself if you will have anything in common if this all works out. She's vulnarable in need of help and support and, as you should, you feel the need to protect. If you become an item and she manages to get rid of her problems, will the foundation for a relationship still be there ? Well it's easy to give advice from thousands of miles away but at least you have something more angles on this problem. Bjorn
post #8 of 23
GQGeek, If you are as picky as you say you are and this is the type of woman you pick, you're not really very picky at all. These kinds of messed up girls are everywhere. This girl is nothing but bad news. Why invite that upon yourself? Check your head and take control of the situation, man. If she is truly being physically or emotionally abused, help her get help. Then, move on to better women. That's the best you can do FOR YOU in this situation.
post #9 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
those people who give of themselves to others so much that they stop taking care of themselves and let others take advantage of themselves if they haven't learned (very, very hard for them) to set appropriate boundaries
Ya, that's is definitely part of the problem.
Quote:
Because if she's in trouble I'd want to get her out, not as a boyfriend, or heaven forbid right now, a prospective lover, but as a human and as a friend. That's what she needs
Ya, i agree. That's why it's hard for me to just walk away even though a big part of my brain is telling me this is too much trouble. I half-expected all of the responses to be along the lines of cut your losses and get out now ;p The thing is, I've known other girls in shitty situations with their bf and it really bothers me more than anything else short of rape. Intellectually, it's one of the few things i have trouble understanding. Why do girls stay with complete assholes that treat them like shit or keep them down? It's not like she's not dumb or ugly (i can understand why ugly chicks would settle for anything they can get) and she's got a great personality. Everyone at work loves her. It just doesn't compute. Why would a girl like that stay in such a situation? Ignoring the fact that he'll never amount to anything, if he was at least a decent guy it would be understandable that she might have some attachment to him and I could deal with that and move on, but he's not. Whether or not anything happens between us in the future, I'd at least like to get her moving in the right direction because she deserves better.
Quote:
it doesn't sound like you two have a deep connection other than that she likes to tell you her problems.
This really isn't the case. From the considerable amount of time we've spent together, i'd say 97% of it is very enjoyable. Rarely does she unload any problems on me. It's more like her bf will call her twice in 3 minutes, say nothign of any importance, she'll hang up on him and say "god he's such a loser, why does he call me all the time for no reason?" In reality, I don't hear about it all that much because she doesn't like to dump her problems on other people. She's told me horror stories of stuff that's happened at his house, but the intentino was more to make fun of the BF and his retarded family then to lay her problems on me and seek emotional support.
Quote:
If you are as picky as you say you are and this is the type of woman you pick, you're not really very picky at all. These kinds of messed up girls are everywhere. This girl is nothing but bad news. Why invite that upon yourself?
Heh, vero's response is probably exactly the type of response i would have made to someone in my situation. To tell you the truth, while i'm able to remain objective about most things, I obviously wasn't the least bit objective in this case. All i knew was that we got along really well and i had a lot of fun with her, which is something i don't get with most people (guys or girls) and that's what i meant about being picky. When it comes down to it, there just aren't many people that I even like, let along want to spend time with ;p I've got a list of 7 people whose company I'd actually set aside time for. One is my father, then there's my grandparents, 2 girls from my old university and 2 friends from boarding school. It sounds terrible, but most of my friends, the ones not on the list that is, bore me most of the time. So even though i knew there was a bf, i knew she wasn't happy in the relationship and i honestly thought it was basically over. I never could have guessed that it would be this much of a problem for her to leave him. When I first started getting interested in her, every sign pointed to her wanting out of her relationship. In which case, what was the harm in me showing some interest? A lot of women that we'd term "good catches" bascially go from one bf to the next, with no or very little time alone in between. Every guy that comes in to the office hits on this girl at some point or another. The mistake i've made is i've probably fallen a little too hard for her too soon in the "relationship." Unfortunately, that's not always something you can control... As far as her staying with this guy for 5 yrs is concerned, lots of people get comfortable in a relationship and settle for what's easy. Hell, i bet that a lot of married couples have settled for something less than they wanted/could get. It doesn't make them unworthy of anything better if they finally realize that they're not happy. It's not like her situation was as it is now from the start. Girls also have different expectations of guys when they're younger. She's 22 now, but when she started dating him, the car was probably a bonus, and the fact that he didn't have a career lined-up probably wasn't a big deal. I think it's only recently that she's really started to realize how big a loser this guy is. She talks about going back to school and his response is "why?" He doesn't show a shred of interest in improving their situation. From what i gather, it started off in hs pretty well, obviously the sister didn't have babies back then so that whole aspect of it didn't exist until recently (she just popped-out the second one this month). It's just gradually gotten worse and I think the guy has gotten more jealous and more controlling, probably because deep-down he knows he's a loser and that he probably thinks that she'll eventually end up leaving him, which brings us to where we are now. All of this has only become a problem since she doesn't seem to be capable of doing what's right for her (i'm far from teh only person that's told her this) and ending it. Surely, any worthy woman wouldn't stay in a relationship that's bad for her.. I find that i can't be quite that hard on her though, after all, she's still young still has a lot to learn. I've never been in a relationship that's lasted anywhere near 5 yrs. Even with a loser, I can't expect it's easy to end it just like that. Heh, my parents were miserable for years before they finally separated. Obviously, us kids were a factor, but in a more general case, when people have that much time invested in a relationship, it's not surprising that they often find it hard end. So the question is, why isn't she capable of ending it even though she knows she should? Well, I guess that's why everyone else is recommending counselling heh. Incidentally, I just told my best friend about this and she thinks i need to move on as well. Her comment, that i didn't see mentionned here, was that even if she does end up leaving the guy, i'd probably just be the rebound. Personally, i've never bought in to the whole rebound thing.. Certainly, i've never felt the need for a rebound. And isn't it only a rebound if you get dumped? The whole thing confuses me ;p All in all i think that trying to get her some help is probably the best advice. Now comes the tricky part of bringing it up without completely offending her. Maybe we'll go somewhere quiet for lunch tomorrow. Anyway, thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate the different points of view. I suppose I'm gonna try talking to her again and see if she's receptive to getting help with her problems or committing to a course of action that involves dumping the guy, otherwise I guess i've gotta let this one go.
post #10 of 23
I think how receptive she is to you will say a good deal. I don't think that she's necessarily 'too much trouble' or that her not being able to break it off with this guy is a bad sign. Certainly it could be. However, controlling people wouldn't be called 'controlling' if they could only control sheep. It's just that non-pathological people like us have a hard time conceptualizing that kind of malignity. Plus, leaving is saying that she just wasted five years, that she couldn't help out and 'make it all better.' But my, look what she put into it. Like you said, that takes a lot of commitment on her part. Many of us have those areas of our lives, those things that we fight for at any cost -- obsessions, really. If this girl is the type of person I am thinking of, that area for her is relationships. I bet she's quite loyal to her friends. That's very rare. That phrase, 'too much trouble' keeps echoing in my head. I think this modern obsession for things being easy is bunk. I don't know about you, but the only things I have in this life that are worth anything are too much trouble. I had to fight for each and every good thing. It was worth it. I know about the 'list' you mention, I read that as if I wrote it, but my list is only three. Full disclosure, GQ, there has never been an eligible woman on my list, so if I saw one that might earn a place there, I'd be there. If I could earn one of those gentle people, I'd be there instantly. So you should know that about me while reading this. Grain of salt and all. I really can't speak to the issue of how to remain objective, how to set boundaries of your own, as I have never been quite in your position. But I very nearly wish I was. Good luck, paladin. Regards, Huntsman
post #11 of 23
Quote:
I think how receptive she is to you will say a good deal. I don't think that she's necessarily 'too much trouble' or that her not being able to break it off with this guy is a bad sign. Certainly it could be. However, controlling people wouldn't be called 'controlling' if they could only control sheep. It's just that non-pathological people like us have a hard time conceptualizing that kind of malignity. Plus, leaving is saying that she just wasted five years, that she couldn't help out and 'make it all better.' But my, look what she put into it. Like you said, that takes a lot of commitment on her part. Many of us have those areas of our lives, those things that we fight for at any cost -- obsessions, really. If this girl is the type of person I am thinking of, that area for her is relationships. I bet she's quite loyal to her friends. That's very rare. That phrase, 'too much trouble' keeps echoing in my head. I think this modern obsession for things being easy is bunk. I don't know about you, but the only things I have in this life that are worth anything are too much trouble. I had to fight for each and every good thing. It was worth it. I know about the 'list' you mention, I read that as if I wrote it, but my list is only three. Full disclosure, GQ, there has never been an eligible woman on my list, so if I saw one that might earn a place there, I'd be there. If I could earn one of those gentle people, I'd be there instantly. So you should know that about me while reading this. Grain of salt and all. I really can't speak to the issue of how to remain objective, how to set boundaries of your own, as I have never been quite in your position. But I very nearly wish I was. Good luck, paladin. Regards, Huntsman
Very, very heartfelt post. I agree with you 100% that 'too much trouble' is a contradiction, and that the things that don't come easy, that you really have to work at and make sacrifices for, those are the things that are the most valuable to me at the end of the day. I was with a girl for two and a half years, broke up with her in April, and it was not an easy relationship. We had our differences of course, and more than our fair share of arguments, but we still deeply loved eachother. Everyone told me that she really wasn't worth the trouble, because she did have quite a few emotional and maturity issues, but I still loved her for who she was, and tried to accept her 'flaws' as best as I could. However, in the end, I felt that neither one of us truly respected or understood the other, and that's something that you absolutely have to have in a relationship. Also, the trust was shot to sh*t, and that is also a key element. Havent spoken to her or seen her since the break-up. I had a dream the other night that we had remained friends, and all was good. It's one of those things that really made me think "what if? What if I had kept her in my life somehow?". In all reality, it probably wouldn't have worked, just how jealousy kicks in from hearing about current lovers. Quite a tangent - sorry for straying from the original topic. My point: think what's in your own heart about this girl, and don't base things solely on the advice of others. They don't know the whole story, and they don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes.
post #12 of 23
Thread Starter 
Huntsman, I'm just curious, what's your background? I'm just wondering because you read my first post and brought up whether i was an INTJ and you seem to have a pretty good perspective on this kind of thing. Regardless, I appreciate the responses from both you and versaceman. I also agree that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I guess the question i have to answer for myself is, how long do i persevere if things don't start to look good in the relatively near future before giving up on it for the sake of my own sanity? Even if i eventually decide to try and forget about her it's gonna be hard given our proximity to each other. Pay attention kids: this is why you shouldn't take an interest in girls at work~
post #13 of 23
Quote:
Huntsman, I'm just curious, what's your background? I'm just wondering because you read my first post and brought up whether i was an INTJ and you seem to have a pretty good perspective on this kind of thing.
Background? Hmmm, let's see....Here's the kind of background most people seem to ask: Born near the city, moved to the country. Am presently an undergraduate student (a trifle older than average) studying in the Sciences (nothing even remotely connected to bio). The background that I think matters more is that I'm a scholar, a theologian, philosopher, an aesthete, an observer, and a geek. My favorite Prof once called me a 'student of humanity, studying for a degree in Science.' I don't know if any of that answers your questions, but there it is. I know I'm being a tad vague, but that's how I am . If you want something specific, post, who knows, I might speak to it. As for the INTJ thing (sorry I never replied in that thread), I brought that up because of several things you said, and how you said them, 'clicked' with how I think. Re the 'perspective,' I just watch and I think a good deal. I think too darned much. Also, the people on my 'list' fill me in on the other side of the coin, and give me their valuable perspective-- I am ever in their debt. Plus,  I've had the privelege to know some people who have traits similar to Sam. Your description of her 'clicked' with my knowledge of these people (if you still have INTJ bookmarked anywhere, try looking at the NFs), and I know that their way of seeing things is quite...different. And also quite wonderful. Only this, and nothing more. Wish I could offer something about your question of persevering in the relationship, but as you said, you have to answer that yourself. Know this at least: they say that a good question is often worth more than its answer. In other words, you're thinking about things on the right track when you're asking the good (and hard) questions. Regards, Huntsman <Edited to add an errant 'i'>
post #14 of 23
I'm no expert but I thought I'd add something I've learned: be sure you aren't operating from a (perceived or actual) position of scarcity. If you were meeting more people (female and male) and not being picky from the immediate outset, but just with the purpose in mind of getting to know them, you'd probably consider one or some of them a better prospect than this one. In fact, this may be part of the solution to your problem. I have experience with friends who took on 'project' (for lack of a better word) girlfriends and basically disappeared into the girls' black holes of a personality, never to be seen again. These in some cases were people that were quite confident and complete up until they got involved with incomplete girls and set out to fix their lives. They ended up completely intertwined and basically lost all personal identity. Much like cult brainwashing actually. Basically what I'm saying is, meet more people and put this in perspective. You may find you can be a good friend to her or more, but it is much better to operate from a position of surplus of options. You'll probably find you're overlooking a lot about her that you would ordinarily be picky about.
post #15 of 23
OK - This may not be the advice you want to hear, but after reading this post and thinking about it for a few days, my gut feeling is - STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GIRL. As nice as she may be and as much as you want to help her, she has let herself get caught in a co-dependent relationship with her current boyfriend and this is not someone who you want to be with. I have read your other post about "geek dating" and get the sense that you want to find someone who you can relate to as an equal partner. Unfortunately, I do not see that in this girl who you are describing. Even if you succeed in getting her to separate from the current boyfriend, she will not be strong enough or emotionally ready to be the equal partner you desire. She may eventually get to that point, but you can't expect her to just leave one relationship and develop that strength overnight. What is more likely, is that she would leave him and transfer that co-dependency to you. After a while, once you are finished feeling like Sir Galahad for rescuing her, you will realize how clingy that type of relationship is and you will want out - but you will also feel guilty for wanting out and you will resent her for that. I'm afraid that you are falling into the trap of trying to save someone and as much as you can help her, you can't save her. If you want another warning on this matter, take a look at the book by Dr. Laura Schlesinger - 10 Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up their Lives. Sorry to be a buzz kill here, but I just don't believe that this is the relationship you want. Bradford
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
Styleforum › Forums › Culture › Social Life, Food & Drink, Travel › Need some advice on a girl problem