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How do you know if she's - Page 2

post #16 of 28
11/1/07 at 6:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by javyn View Post
If you consider love to be a decision, then obviously you have never experienced it.


Thanks, dipshit.
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post #17 of 28
11/1/07 at 6:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimslade View Post
It's a decision, not a feeling.
I was young (20) when I met my wife, so I was doing more feeling than deciding. I think that this changes as you get older and more responsible, but in the long run if you do not both feel and choose then it is a bad choice.
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post #18 of 28
11/1/07 at 7:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by iammatt View Post
(...) in the long run if you do not both feel and choose then it is a bad choice.

+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1!!!!!
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post #19 of 28
11/1/07 at 7:31pm
When she says, "So let's tap into my trust fund and take that 3-week trip to Umbria," you'll know.
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post #20 of 28
11/1/07 at 7:37pm
For me, it was as much about why the other ones never quite feel like they were the ones (hard to explain but something like a little voice in my head pointing out the traits I don't like, the negatives, etc...), as why this one was the one (loving feeling + a strange complete absence of the little nagging voice, an absolute inability to find things that could be dealbreakers, etc...).

Every time I see my wife, it makes me smile. There are no instances where things she says or does make me cringe inside or feel like I would like to change her.
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post #21 of 28
11/1/07 at 8:07pm
When she brings out the best in you.

When you accept and love the person she is, with all the quirks and faults we all have, without wanting to change her.

When you imagine both of you together as old people and it looks fun.
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post #22 of 28
11/1/07 at 9:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by iammatt View Post
I was young (20) when I met my wife, so I was doing more feeling than deciding. I think that this changes as you get older and more responsible, but in the long run if you do not both feel and choose then it is a bad choice.

That's fair enough, Matt. Of course there has to be feeling. My point is that there is no real "happily ever after" in the sense that you see the woman on the dance floor and you're struck by lightning. That's a fairy tale--or hormones. What it is, instead, is the feeling that, with this person, you could make the choice every day to be with that person instead of everyone else, and be happy with that decision.

However good your sex life is, the struck by lightning isn't forever.

Everyone, also, universalizes from the very limited set of their own experience. I love my wife. But that love is also a choice. It's about choosing to be kind when you could be cruel. Who the person is makes a difference, but everyone (except GDL's wife, apparently) will do something sometimes that you'd rather they hadn't. Real love survives those tests because each partner decides to get over them, or to accommodate the other.

That's what I mean.
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post #23 of 28
11/1/07 at 9:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimslade View Post
That's fair enough, Matt. Of course there has to be feeling. My point is that there is no real "happily ever after" in the sense that you see the woman on the dance floor and you're struck by lightning. That's a fairy tale--or hormones. What it is, instead, is the feeling that, with this person, you could make the choice every day to be with that person instead of everyone else, and be happy with that decision.

However good your sex life is, the struck by lightning isn't forever.

Everyone, also, universalizes from the very limited set of their own experience. I love my wife. But that love is also a choice. It's about choosing to be kind when you could be cruel. Who the person is makes a difference, but everyone (except GDL's wife, apparently) will do something sometimes that you'd rather they hadn't. Real love survives those tests because each partner decides to get over them, or to accommodate the other.

That's what I mean.
I agree with you, especially about the issue of choices and how need to choose both how to treat somebody and how you perceive their actions. I think it is something that we continue to learn. As far as being lightning struck, I really was. I met my wife at a party and started talking to her because a friend of mine wanted to hit on a friend of hers. Within about 30 seconds we were unconsciously holding hands and laughing. I don't think we spend more than a day apart for the next six months. Since then our relationship has evolved from the starstruck love at first sight to much more, but we have both spent a lot of time working at it and trying to make the best decisions for one another. We have had a lot of years and certainly fucked little things up, but not any big things. There is still that initial spark that we can fall back on during hard times, and there are still things she does which I cannot stand, but we muddle along. I also agree that real love survives the bumps, but it does not only because you choose to get over them, but also because you love both her and the relationship and life you have built together and are not about to let either go. Now, if I could just get her to eat cereal correctly and a couple of other things...
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post #24 of 28
11/1/07 at 9:41pm
That's awesome.

But I suspect there's survivor bias in the sample set, as it were. That is, lots of women can strike us with lightning from across the room. Some of them we never talk to, some we date and break up with, and some turn out to be monsters. So being lightning-struck is not a sign that you've found "the one." At least, not always, and probably not even most of the time. That comes from a different place, in my view. But we've been too conditioned by pop culture and Nora Ephron love stories to realize it anymore.
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post #25 of 28
11/1/07 at 10:33pm
The minute I laid eyes on edmorel, I knew she was the one.
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post #26 of 28
11/1/07 at 10:36pm
When she'll give you head while you play Halo 3...

But in seriousness, +1 to javyn. Love is cheesy, yeah. People who have real trouble with that, I feel, don't really understand it.
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post #27 of 28
11/1/07 at 11:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by metkirk View Post
That's so cheesy.

Yes its cheesy. In fact I am reminded of what Nora Ephron scripted for Billy Crystal's speech in When Harry Met Sally.

But ultimately the feeling depends on what stage of the relationship you are at. The early budding stage, the stage where you have been together for years (married or not), the stage where you are parents, the stage where you are old and grey together.
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post #28 of 28
11/6/07 at 7:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Connemara View Post
The second I laid edmorel, I knew she was the one.
Fixed. It only took a second.
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