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Yet another relationship thread

post #1 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:05am
Thread Starter 
So I met this girl back in may. We hung out a bunch and I eventually told her how I felt about her. She didn't like me in the same way and just wanted to remain friends. She is also going to study abroad in the fall, so she didn't want to start a relationship that she knew she would have to end. That's understandable and we remained really good friends.

Fast forward to last night.

Her and I and a very good friend of mine are just hanging out, when my good friend tells me that they have sort of been dating for the past month behind my back. My good friend knew very well how I felt about her. They then preceded to go to bed together after I had left.

How they hell could my good friend do this to me. We were able to have a civil conversation about it, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to be friends with him again. This really sucks, because we were so much alike and such good friends.


School starts up in two weeks, so I know I will meet new people, but it sucks. I couldn't stop thinking about it and I was unable to sleep at all last night, so I'm extremely tired right now.

Any advice on how to move on or whether or not I should remain friends with him?
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post #2 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:11am
How did your friend do anything wrong? You never dated this girl. Frankly, he probably did you a favor if he got you to move on and stop pining after someone who just wanted to be friends.
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post #3 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:16am
ahh be nice AC, suspect he may be a little younger than you and I. Dastig - ya, that's gonna sting, but fwiw, it falls in to the category of 'happened to us all'. Dont make an enemy of the guy, but be wary of him. I'd probably no longer be filing him under BFF. To basically take AC's point, treat it as a shot in the ass to meet new people and start afresh.
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post #4 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:18am
Thread Starter 
I realize that, but the simple fact that he knew I liked the girl and he went behind my back and dated her, I believe shows little respect. If he really liked someone, I would not go and try to date that person.
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post #5 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:21am
Me and my friends never "fight" over a girl.

If a girl doesnt like u but likes ur friend, then thats that. You shouldnt stand in the way, theres nothing youre entitled to here.

Him not hooking up with her wouldnt have done you any extra good.

However, you could rightfully be upset about him not telling you, but he came clean eventually, so i wouldnt break up a friendship over this.

Friends you have now often last a lifetime but girls at this age come and go.
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post #6 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:22am
Quote:
Originally Posted by dastig View Post
I realize that, but the simple fact that he knew I liked the girl and he went behind my back and dated her, I believe shows little respect. If he really liked someone, I would not go and try to date that person.
Very little you can do about that now. You lost this one. Move on. So, to quote myself (cos god knows I love doing that)...
Quote:
Originally Posted by meeeeee
...be wary of him. I'd probably no longer be filing him under BFF.
Now, go about your business
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post #7 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:25am
Nail his mother.
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post #8 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:30am
Was he a prick about it? Because if he was there are two ways to go about this:

1) Find a way to get her to let go of him and move on to you, which is really hard to do, but it’s what I did when this happened to me (and then, I lost her, but that’s a whole ‘nother story)

2) Beat the living daylights out of him. It won’t change anything, but it will probably help relive some of your stress.

As per case number 1, the guy and I didn’t talk for a while, but we are now best friends…

Oh, and never tell her how you feel, show her how you feel, by banging the shit out of her. Girls don’t seem to like words, they like actions.

Jon.
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post #9 of 35
8/9/07 at 11:36am
Quote:
Originally Posted by dastig View Post
I realize that, but the simple fact that he knew I liked the girl and he went behind my back and dated her, I believe shows little respect.

If he really liked someone, I would not go and try to date that person.
Have you told him that you are very disappointed?
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post #10 of 35
8/9/07 at 12:06pm
In my life I've lost all respect for people that do things like this. Real men talk about situations without hiding like some little kid with something to be ashamed of. A very old man (he was quite the ladies man even in his old age) once told me, "when you're interested in gaining a woman's attention, don't include other single men in your group of friends. This will only produce compatition, rather spend time with her and her friends and the natural jealousy that will ensue will cause her to become interested in you."
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post #11 of 35
8/9/07 at 12:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by alan View Post
Me and my friends never "fight" over a girl. If a girl doesnt like u but likes ur friend, then thats that. You shouldnt stand in the way, theres nothing youre entitled to here. Him not hooking up with her wouldnt have done you any extra good. However, you could rightfully be upset about him not telling you, but he came clean eventually, so i wouldnt break up a friendship over this. Friends you have now often last a lifetime but girls at this age come and go.
I think I'm pretty much with alan on this one. He deserves some shit for tiptoeing around and not coming clean from day one, so give him hell for a little bit, but move on. Not worth losing a friend over. If I was your buddy, I'd let you take a free shot and then drinks would be on me.
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post #12 of 35
8/9/07 at 12:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan View Post
Nail his mother.

Lol.
But seriously, listen to some of the advice here.
Keep the friend, girls come and go. Most guys I know will bang anything that's half pretty, has breasts and is remotely interested. it's your genetics, don't feel bad about it.
my advice about the guy is forgive but never forget and it may be something you hold against him but if you're taht good friends, then stick it out. With the girl, you never made a move. you should be angry with yourself, no the friend. he did what you didn't. So suck it up and move on.
any girl I'm friends with I always think about hooking up with but you've got to focus on "delayed gratification", ie you're not going to touch them because then you can make it happen with all their friends.
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post #13 of 35
8/9/07 at 12:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Master-Classter View Post
Most guys I know will bang anything that's half pretty, has breasts and is remotely interested. it's your genetics, don't feel bad about it.
Seriously--you and every other straight guy you know are going to get enough shit from plenty of women just for having a sex drive, there's no need to internalize it and reproduce it among male friends. Seriously, what your friend should have done was tell you, before they went on their first date, what he intended. Not ask permission, just tell you. That gives him a chance to gauge your reaction and decide whether or not you're going to be able to handle it, and then either go ahead and date her anyway, or call it off if he thinks it's going to fuck up your friendship. By doing it, then telling you about it only after the fact, he's making the decision about the friendship yours instead of his, which is part of why it's lame. He handled it badly, that's his real problem. But if he was attracted to her, and she was attracted to him... well, that's between the two of them, ultimately, even if your feelings are involved.
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post #14 of 35
8/9/07 at 12:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saucemaster View Post
Seriously--you and every other straight guy you know are going to get enough shit from plenty of women just for having a sex drive, there's no need to internalize it and reproduce it among male friends.

Seriously, what your friend should have done was tell you, before they went on their first date, what he intended. Not ask permission, just tell you. That gives him a chance to gauge your reaction and decide whether or not you're going to be able to handle it, and then either go ahead and date her anyway, or call it off if he thinks it's going to fuck up your friendship. By doing it, then telling you about it only after the fact, he's making the decision about the friendship yours instead of his, which is part of why it's lame. He handled it badly, that's his real problem. But if he was attracted to her, and she was attracted to him... well, that's between the two of them, ultimately, even if your feelings are involved.

True, that was his mistake.

But if you felt he was just looking for an opportunity to tell you and was afraid how youd react, then you really should let it go and stay friends with him.

He prob. didnt want to upset you so he chose to ignore it and take the easy way out, which is 2 hide it.

Thatll be up to you to judge what his intentions were, but if ur good friends, then thats probably it.


As for him actually hooking up with her, as sauce and others said, theres no backstabbing there buddy. Its not like every girl you ever fancy should be off limits to all your friends.

In fact, just tonight, im going out with a friend of mine and a girl i went out with a few times, but nothing too serious developped since she was kind of older than me and that turned out to be a problem.

And im actually going out with them to hook them up (hes her age). It sounds a bit perverted but you get the point.
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post #15 of 35
8/9/07 at 1:26pm
Everyone's advice has been pretty dead-on since I'm sure this has either happened or been done by most. I've been on both sides. I had a roommate who disappeared the weekend I was going roadtrippin' with some buddies. While we all thought he had been kidnapped and called the cops (kid had been depressed for months so we figured he was dead), he came clean after he got back and said he spent the weekend taking a trip with my ex. Surprise! I was pissed at him not because he was dating my ex but because he didn't TELL me he wanted to date her. She was my ex for a reason and what they did was their own but to live with me and not bring it up? C'mon. As long as this friend isn't a total dick, it's not hard to see why he did what he did. Yeah, he knew how you felt but then he felt the same way. If she's giving him an in, so be it. He should make it clear he's not doing this to hook up with her a few times but that he actually wants to date this girl. Unfortunately, I've done the former a couple of times and some friends stayed, others didn't. I picked up on m@t's "young" vibe as well. This concept of "dibbs" on a girl goes out the window eventually with experience and age. You'll learn to step up to the plate and if it isn't a homerun, it never will be.
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